AIBU to be torn between continuing IVF or accepting a child-free life

[Sixthy]

DH and I have been TTC for several years. We’ve had 2 failed IVF cycles and have been told we’ll likely need several more to have a chance. We’re in our 30s, but I have low AMH and endo, so the odds aren’t great.

During IVF I feel hormonal, stressed and unwell. Afterwards I’m left with weight gain, acne, and not feeling like myself. We can afford more cycles, but it still doesn’t feel great spending tens of thousands with no guarantees.

What makes me question it is that, aside from infertility, our life is genuinely happy. We have a great marriage, successful careers, and the freedom to travel and enjoy life. Sometimes I wonder if we should just accept this isn’t meant to be, get a dog, and start living again.

But I’m so scared we’d regret it. We’ve always pictured a future with children. My fear is being surrounded by friends and family with kids and us feeling left behind and isolated, wishing we tried harder.

AIBU to be having doubts? Does thinking like this mean I don’t want a baby enough? I’d really love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar place.

I don’t think anyone can tell you when to stop as that’s so personal. I wouldn’t put myself into financial difficulties though to continue as pregnancy and children are also expensive and being in debt is an added stress you wouldn’t need.
I also had severe endo but I was very lucky with my IVF so I am going to send you sticky baby dust if you do continue the journey. If you decide you have had enough then I hope you can make peace with the decision.

X10 IVF rounds, x5 MC, x2 DC on 8th and 10th rounds.

after MC #5 we took a year out, no IVF discussion, loads of fun, clubbing, holidays, job changes etc.

Then started again.

With DC2, well, we weren’t supposed to have more IVF and it was difficult circumstances. After days of discussion a single sentence made our decision:

fast forward 10 years, do you regret not having another cycle?

Having said all that my heart made me continue, my head should have made us stop at MC#5 as I was broken at that point.

I also shouldn’t have had IVF10, it was a huge MH and £ risk. We were lucky.

You’re young OP, take a year out IVF is hard, I think you need distance to think about it clearly.

@BeRedRobin what lovely news!! Congratulations

OP I can't fully relate because for me it was secondary fertility, not the same thing at all. I think if you decide to proceed again have a set amount of money / rounds of IVF / end date as otherwise you'll just keep convincing yourself the next on will be the one. You could lose so much by endless rounds and it would take a toll mentally and physically.

Every time on here when adoption is mentioned where the OP has fertility issues and is torn about their options, so many posters berate others for suggesting adoption. There are cries of 'oh no don’t do that - you don’t want to deal with deeply damaged children!!’ I guess it’s only acceptable to deal with damaged kids when they are biologically yours.

It’s impossible to know how you will feel in 20 years time, all you have to go on is how you feel now.

Indeed it's a difficult decision.

I went through IVF but my circumstances are very different from yours and I won't claim to understand how you feel.

Maybe think about how much farther you are willing to go ?
Say it doesn't work, how many more attempts would you be willing to go through ?
Until what age, or how much money, or how many cycles ?
Say you stop now. Would you possibly feel like you didn't try hard enough ? Does the thought of stopping fill you with relief or disappointment ?

For me having children was essential and I'd probably have kept going until I broke the bank. I did in fact break the bank pretty bad and even now I sometimes think about what I could do with all that money. But I am finally done with it all with no what-ifs and that's worth a lot too.

But that's my answer, not yours.

Well, no, but I think it's fair to say adoption isn't a poor replacement for biological children. It is an equally valid, but utterly different, way to be a parent. Someone who adopts without thinking long and hard about what it means and how it differs from a traditional parenting experience, is bound for failure, and that would be utterly unfair to the child/children.

I've been where you are OP, we had two lots of IUI and, I think, three rounds of IVF, all unsuccessful. We had two embryos left and I decided to take a break as I was fed up not having my body to myself. During that break we realised that life was actually really good as it was and we decided not to continue fertility treatment. After more than five years of our life revolving around trying to get pregnant we both felt at peace with our decision and we've never regretted it. I am very lucky though in that I have a very happy marriage and my DH was always happy with just the two of us anyway. We had no pressure from family and I have quite a lot of child-free friends either by choice or due to infertility, so I wasn't the odd one out in my friendship groups. I'm sure we would have enjoyed having children if we had managed to but I can honestly say I think our life has been a lot less stressful and we have had a lot more money and freedom than we would have done if we had had children, our time is our own and we enjoy doing what we like. We both have careers we love and I've always loved cats so we have a few of them and that satisfies my caring side as I care for them. It's a tough decision but I just think of it as a sliding doors moment, you can go one way or the other but neither is wrong, they're just different, with different pros and cons.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

I would (and did) go for endo excision surgery rather than more IVF - if you have severe inflammation then it may be that even the healthiest embryo couldn’t implant. Best of luck whatever you choose 🌺

We started our ivf journey when I was in my late 20's, had 4 failed attempts with 2 miscarriages, thought I was done with the whole process.
The mental load is immense... 7 yrs later we decided to have another shot and we now how our beautiful twins, my advice would be, if you feel too much pressure right now store some eggs if you can so you have the option if you change your mind later, we also had ours pgta tested which gives higher success rates
Wishing you all the best in your journey x

I don't have an answer but I would recommend reading 'How to Fail' by the amazing Elizabeth Day where she writes about her IVF journey (sadly unsuccessful).