Autistic son very loud at night

[Doolallyally]

DS (9) is profoundly autistic and non-verbal. He vocally stims and can be very loud. Recently he has been waking up at 2am vocally stimming, shouting and giggling. I’m separated from DH but still living in the family home and ex leaves for work at 5.30. Ex regularly comes out of the bedroom he’s sleeping in to shout at DS to be quiet and go to sleep. He then proceeds to shout at me to do something but it’s impossible to make DS go to sleep and very difficult to control him.

I tell ex to wear ear plugs or headphones to block out the noise. He does have a large fan which blocks out noise. I know he deserves not to be disturbed. I’m now sat outside DS’ room listening out for every little noise!

AIBU in that I can’t make him sleep or make him stop stimming? I do understand that he shouldn’t be loud in the middle of the night.

Ex said he’s sick of doing everything for me and called me a silly woman when I said I can’t make him sleep.

This sounds so hard, I really feel for you.
Now that you've separated does ex have plans to move out?

No wonder you're divorcing this guy. Why does he think it's on you more than him to fix this? Even if it were fixable?
Leaving that aside, does your son get melatonin/ circadin? Sleep problems are common with ASD. I also have a DS with ASD. It took a lot of pushing the medics to get circadin! But you can buy melatonin over the counter in North America, including chewable versions.

Are you living in a detached property?

it’s maybe worth making sure he is getting more stimulation during the daytime and not just school. And cut his caffeine/ sugar down.

your son is maybe picking up on the tension at home, I live w my parents who are in a similar situation and the tension is unbearable. I’m not saying your ex is doing th right thing shouting, but maybe a more firm approach needs to be done

melatonin may help him sleep, even short term. I am autistic and on it, and it’s been a life saver.

you need a prescription for melatonin in the UK. So worth asking your GP if you’re uk based.

Yanbu. Hope you can get meds to help everyone sleep. (Including neighbours if they are disturbed.)

Thanks all. I’ll be the one moving out and I’m moving in the next few weeks. I’ll have our son around 60-70% of the time. We are currently in a semi detached property and I’ll be moving to a similar house.

It’s very difficult as ex’s approach can result in DS having a meltdown/crying as he’s been shouted at. Constantly coming out to shout at him riles him up too and makes him less likely to sleep. He does listen to his Dad though.

Its the constant ex telling me to “do something” When left alone DS eventually goes back to sleep, I understand that he shouldn’t be loud in the middle of the night.

We tried melatonin but weren’t sure if it was making DS aggressive and irritable. Might have to try it again though.

Melatonin only stays in the system about five hours. Unless you’re giving it to him way too early, it shouldn’t make him irritable.

i would caution against moving to another semi if your son can’t keep quiet at night. Try to make sure his room is on the outside facing side of the house.

Melatonin can give people very very vivid dreams and isn’t always helpful as a result. Your X is being an absolute arse shouting at his disabled son for his disability. This is worse than shouting at a baby for crying in the night and you need to protect your child not apologise.
As far as what could help ds sleep longer and better, you are looking at all the standard things like exercise, diet, calm safe environment, comfortable bed etc etc. if you haven’t tried it air conditioning can really really help as the cool and the hum create a more bubble like atmosphere for bedtime. Waking and verbal stimming at night is very very common for autistics.
when are you getting sleep?

It can make some people irritable and aggressive. I felt awful the next day when I tried it. Really snappy and grrrr

it’s so hard. I have a son almost the same age with the same diagnosis and tendency to stim loudly. It can be relentless and whilst I understand the frustration leading to anger when you are exhausted and need to rest for work, his dad needs to do better. Shouting will exacerbate the issue. Sometimes he does just need to stim it out as you have recognised. I wear ear bud type headphone to sleep every night - turned off - it takes the edge off so I can doze but can still hear in an emergency. ExDH currently has you there so he should get proper ear plugs and block it out totally giving you one less problem.

Others have mentioned detached house, we manage to move to one a couple of years ago so I now don’t worry about anyone else and that makes it so much less stressful. But it’s not always possible, especially when separating. When looking for a house I did look at semis too but only if there was a bedroom for DS on the far side from neighbours.

i don’t have many solutions - we have melatonin but it’s hit or miss. We’ve tried more exercise but same. You’re not alone.

it will be better when you can parent away from ex and the silver lining of separation is you will both have some time to catch up on rest. Hope you got some rest tonight eventually.

Why doesn’t he do something if it’s him that it bothers so much and he listens to his dad. No wonder you are leaving him!

OP your poor son shouldn't be getting shouted at for something he can't help! Your ex needs to get some proper earplugs. Do you have a social worker? You should be able to get a referral to psychiatry to discuss any medication that might help. Also, there should be a learning disability team (psychology/SALT/OT) who can look at a multidisciplinary approach to any behavioural issues such as poor sleeping and loud stimming.

It’s very hard but you do need to look at strategies to prevent this behaviour, it’s not fair on anyone else in the household or neighbours. Look at social stories, talk to his medical team etc

I can’t change the fact that I’m moving to a semi for now but his new room is on the far side of the house which isn’t joined onto anything.

It’s very difficult, I do empathise with ex as he does need his sleep before work but it’s extremely stressful having him constantly coming out of his bedroom shouting at DS to shut up and go to sleep. I know I can’t ignore the issue but just gently telling him to go to bed works better than leaving him crying or making him more likely to be even louder as he gets a big reaction from exdh. At worst it triggers a big meltdown from DS.

I do worry about the neighbours complaining, we’ve never had a complaint yet thankfully.

I really don’t think you can manage the disability out of someone. For example my son wakes in the night and stims, this happens much more before he has a seizure. Are you suggesting he has to listen to social stories and be schooled out of what is obviously an uncontrollable part of his disability? Do you think it would work for other disabilities? You know, like a good firm social story and more discipline to get a blind person to make more effort to see?

My advice would be to do as much as you can to support sleep and accept that it won’t work all the time.

Why does ex deserve not to be disturbed at night any more than you do?
Why do both adults seem to think it is your responsibility to "do something" whereas exH gets to have a hissy fit at your child and shout at you? How is your child going to learn to behave well when he thinks a man is someone who shouts a lot?
Tell ex he's not your problem, if he can't manage his emotions, count to 10 or go for a walk. He's making you responsible for his moods. Explain once not to shout, then ignore.

As for your son, depends if he will burn himself out after 20 minutes or keep going. If he will keep going I'd be trying to move him onto a quieter stim but that might not work. It is really tricky!

He does tend to burn himself out after a while but what ex doesn’t see is that constantly going into his room to shout at him leaves him less likely to go to sleep. He’s not upset or distressed, just very loud! It’s the whole “You need to do something” that I can’t deal with. So last night I ended up outside his room for hours listening for any little sounds 😣

We do struggle with other behaviours like pinching and biting etc. It is a concern what will happen in a couple of years. Ex keeps saying that we can’t do this for much longer and in a few years (when he’s 11/12) we need to look at residential care. It’s very difficult 😞

You should maybe see a doctor (both you and ex as you both live with your son) and get some specialist advice and support. Your ex is going about it in a bad way but he’s right in a sense that you can’t cope with it much longer. You’ve tried the medication route and it hasn’t helped. You must be struggling from lack of sleep too if you’re up minding him half the night.

Your son is also showing aggressive physical tendencies, he is only 9 right now but it needs to be nipped in the bud so that he isn’t doing it at school and learns that hurting you isn’t ok- the older he gets, the more of a risk he will be if he continuous getting aggressive.

He won’t always be a little boy coping with a huge disability. One day he will be a man and while he may not “grow up” in the conventional sense of becoming independent I can tell you from experience that he will mature and just as an adult can cope better with being, say, deaf blind, an older ds may have more to help him over the really difficult bits. Residential care is a reasonable option for lots of people, but lots cope at home with support. You must do what suits you all. I’d recommend the SNchat board if you need somewhere to talk.

What about fidget type toys or something to help with his sensory needs- perhaps the stimming is indicative that he would benefit from something to help soothe him? I’m not a professional

Id take him up to.the GP and ask for help with sleep and tell the GP.that your ex is shouting at him. I would not be happy with ex having him overnights either.

Have you had good legal advice?

Her and her ex live together

When she moves out. Should have put that!

I wouldn’t try melatonin if it didn’t work for him op, they tried it for my friend’s son, same deal. Try the things you’d try yourself, less screens, more calm, fresh air, room suited to sleep. When my brother is like this it is sometimes that he’s more stressed and other times we can’t explain it but every night if he’s not getting enough sleep it’s a problem. Does he talk about it?