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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Autistic son very loud at night

33 replies

Doolallyally · 09/07/2025 02:21

DS (9) is profoundly autistic and non-verbal. He vocally stims and can be very loud. Recently he has been waking up at 2am vocally stimming, shouting and giggling. I’m separated from DH but still living in the family home and ex leaves for work at 5.30. Ex regularly comes out of the bedroom he’s sleeping in to shout at DS to be quiet and go to sleep. He then proceeds to shout at me to do something but it’s impossible to make DS go to sleep and very difficult to control him.

I tell ex to wear ear plugs or headphones to block out the noise. He does have a large fan which blocks out noise. I know he deserves not to be disturbed. I’m now sat outside DS’ room listening out for every little noise!

AIBU in that I can’t make him sleep or make him stop stimming? I do understand that he shouldn’t be loud in the middle of the night.

Ex said he’s sick of doing everything for me and called me a silly woman when I said I can’t make him sleep.

OP posts:
x2boys · 09/07/2025 12:13

minnienono · 09/07/2025 07:53

It’s very hard but you do need to look at strategies to prevent this behaviour, it’s not fair on anyone else in the household or neighbours. Look at social stories, talk to his medical team etc

How do you think a social story is going tingelp a profoundly autistic child sleep?

x2boys · 09/07/2025 12:13

stayathomer · 09/07/2025 12:06

I wouldn’t try melatonin if it didn’t work for him op, they tried it for my friend’s son, same deal. Try the things you’d try yourself, less screens, more calm, fresh air, room suited to sleep. When my brother is like this it is sometimes that he’s more stressed and other times we can’t explain it but every night if he’s not getting enough sleep it’s a problem. Does he talk about it?

He's nonverbal...

Gardendiary · 09/07/2025 12:19

Doolallyally · 09/07/2025 08:26

He does tend to burn himself out after a while but what ex doesn’t see is that constantly going into his room to shout at him leaves him less likely to go to sleep. He’s not upset or distressed, just very loud! It’s the whole “You need to do something” that I can’t deal with. So last night I ended up outside his room for hours listening for any little sounds 😣

Show quote history

Okay, don’t do this to yourself. You’re divorcing the man and as a result you can tell him to do one if he starts demanding that you control your son, who fundamentally can’t help it any way. It doesn’t sound like your ex understands autism or he wouldn’t be in there trying to fix it by shouting. Im not sure what the answer is, but you sitting up on tenterhooks all night because of your ex is not it.

x2boys · 09/07/2025 12:22

My son is severely autistic non verbal etc ,he does sleep well thankfully but he is extremely loud
He does a lot of activity at school ,he he swims daily in their hydro pool and goes on frequent walks ,we also now have a reasonable package of respite ( it took years to get ) all of this helps he's 15 and whilst some things get harder, his sleep definitely improved aa he got older.

stayathomer · 09/07/2025 12:32

x2boys
ah crap sorry I missed that, sorry op x

Original poster
Doolallyally · 09/07/2025 12:33

His sleep has definitely improved but he still has moments when he wakes up in the night and vocally stims. His vocal stimming even in the daytime bothers my ex and he tells him to shut up which bothers me as he can’t help stimming. We argue a lot as I don’t like him being told to shut up. DS is extremely loud and can randomly scream so I understand how it can be jarring and can be stressful.

OP posts:
x2boys · 09/07/2025 12:39

Doolallyally · 09/07/2025 12:33

His sleep has definitely improved but he still has moments when he wakes up in the night and vocally stims. His vocal stimming even in the daytime bothers my ex and he tells him to shut up which bothers me as he can’t help stimming. We argue a lot as I don’t like him being told to shut up. DS is extremely loud and can randomly scream so I understand how it can be jarring and can be stressful.

Sounds like my son he screams loudly it does get annoying what understanding, does he have?
I always say screaming has finished because that's what they say at school when they want him to stop inappropriate, behaviour, and ,he will stop for a bit
Do you have any respite?

TheSoapyFrog · 09/07/2025 13:00

Your son sounds a lot like my son. Tbh, I would be fighting to prevent my ex having any unsupervised contact with DS in the future. Anyone who can shout at a disabled child for something that they have no control over is not a safe person for them to be around, and I would worry about how it would escalate if I was not there to intervene.

Your ex is clearly too stupid to know that this is a situation that you have any control over. It happens. Given that he seems eager to palm him off into residential care already, it seems he doesn't like him much.

My DS goes through periods of waking up in the early hours and stimming vocally. Sometimes he goes back to sleep, sometimes he's now awake for the day. I'm not sure why he wakes up, but it's more common when the weather is hot.

If he wakes up and he isn't crying or in any distress, I leave him to it. I know he's safe.

We've tried melatonin and it didn't help. It.did make my DS more agitated. He wasn't mentally ready to sleep, and he fought it. Also, it only helps with getting him off to sleep. It doesn't keep him asleep.

I'd personally suggest to your ex that he moves out until you move into your own place if he wants a quiet night.

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