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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do tou remove an abuser

34 replies

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 00:43

My friend is in an abusive relationship. She is a Tennant of social housing and has moved her partner in about six years ago. Basically, she had him living there pretty quick.
There are no kids involved as they left home when this man moved in.
He isn't on the tenancy agreement.
But my poor friend has been beaten up by this brute on numerous occasion and she did all the right things, she contacted women's aid when he broke her arm last year. He also put her in hospital the year before. (She said she fell over) and had her cheekbone broken.

Well last year when he broke her arm she had domestics come ti see her as she finally admitted he hurt her, so women's aid were intouch.

Now here is what we don't understand, although she was intouch with women's aid, they were telling her to move out of her home!
This is solely her name on the tenancy agreement.
They also gave her advice about when she calls the police to dial a certain number, she also had her house marked.
Anyway, she did have to call the police last month as he cornered her and was kicking her. She did what she was told to do but no one came out to her!
She has now resigned to just getting used to it and women's aid told her they are signing her off as she isn't interested in reporting him.

I'm so worried for her, she never told women's aid she called the police as she thinks its just not important.
This man has tried to choke her twice now. She was referred to marek. But they say she is the one who need to move when its her house!

Me and my partner can't keep having her turn up whenever she is abused.
Help please

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 00:48

I am not sure as I don't have the details, but it sounds like she's been advised to flee because she's in danger.

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 00:49

Did anything come from the MARAC referral?

I may be wrong but she can go into refuge and I believe that they can arrange alternative housing for her?

Sorry for the short reply. I was just having a quick look before sleep.

I'll reply if I can

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 00:53

Yes we thought the same. But she won't go as it's her tenancy
And she thinks this arsehole will have more rights than her.

OP posts:
Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 00:54

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 00:49

Did anything come from the MARAC referral?

I may be wrong but she can go into refuge and I believe that they can arrange alternative housing for her?

Sorry for the short reply. I was just having a quick look before sleep.

I'll reply if I can

Thank you. Yes they said that because she was choked they would have plans in place

OP posts:
Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 00:55

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 00:48

I am not sure as I don't have the details, but it sounds like she's been advised to flee because she's in danger.

Yes that's what they did say if I remember rightly

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Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 00:59

Also she has her dog there who she would never leave behind.

OP posts:
FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:01

So to be very blunt and clear (apologies this really isn't a judgmental post at all) if I'm understanding she's been told to flee because of imminent risk but is refusing as it's her tenancy?

I completely understand why she doesn't want to (and by rights why should she?!) but it sounds as though agencies are offering help but she's effectively refusing by not fleeing?

It would seem that is her only option and if she won't do it I'm not sure what else can be done in all honesty.

If she presses charges is there a chance he will be held on remand so at least she may be placed into emergency housing by her LA?

If not then as I see it her only option is to flee. As shitty as that choice is!

I really hope she can get some sort of resolution. It's an awful situation

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:03

Also, when I say that I can't keep having her here, I actually can, she is such a lovely person. And I want to be there for her. But it's just frustrating in the middle of the night. But she feels let down some how. I worry for her.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 01:03

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 00:55

Yes that's what they did say if I remember rightly

OK. What this means is she's been assessed as very high risk of homicide. She can't be kept safe and I'm assuming she doesn't want to make a statement so there's not much the police can do.

She could get a non molestation order for example, but it's unlikely to deter him and could escalate the situation. If it were me, I'd run for my life.

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:05

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:01

So to be very blunt and clear (apologies this really isn't a judgmental post at all) if I'm understanding she's been told to flee because of imminent risk but is refusing as it's her tenancy?

I completely understand why she doesn't want to (and by rights why should she?!) but it sounds as though agencies are offering help but she's effectively refusing by not fleeing?

It would seem that is her only option and if she won't do it I'm not sure what else can be done in all honesty.

If she presses charges is there a chance he will be held on remand so at least she may be placed into emergency housing by her LA?

If not then as I see it her only option is to flee. As shitty as that choice is!

I really hope she can get some sort of resolution. It's an awful situation

Thank you. Yes she has been told to flee but worried about her tenancy

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FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:07

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 01:03

OK. What this means is she's been assessed as very high risk of homicide. She can't be kept safe and I'm assuming she doesn't want to make a statement so there's not much the police can do.

She could get a non molestation order for example, but it's unlikely to deter him and could escalate the situation. If it were me, I'd run for my life.

Just coming to say the same. The choking absolutely counts her as a sever risk for domestic homicide.

I know that's scary to hear as her friend but it's a fact.

She is VERY high risk and she absolutely needs to get out of there before it's too late.

Tell her to pack a bag with her absolute essentials (medication, passport and other such important items, ideally clothing and toiletries) I'd prioritise the medication above all else as the rest can be replaced or provided easily.

If needs be just get the fuck out of there and to a place of safety. Call WA and they'll arrange to get her to a refuge quickly and safely.

I'm not being dramatic but the risks are very real.

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:08

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 01:03

OK. What this means is she's been assessed as very high risk of homicide. She can't be kept safe and I'm assuming she doesn't want to make a statement so there's not much the police can do.

She could get a non molestation order for example, but it's unlikely to deter him and could escalate the situation. If it were me, I'd run for my life.

Thank you.
I told her that too. Also as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want him turning up at my house.

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FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:10

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:08

Thank you.
I told her that too. Also as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want him turning up at my house.

Not at all selfish. Just very wise.

To your knowledge has he ever hurt the dog? If so that's also another huge red flag for domestic homicide.

I know some refuges can provide for pets too if that's also a concern.

I understand the worry about tenancy but her life is far more important. Housing can be replaced. She cannot.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 09/07/2025 01:12

I think there are ways to get orders to keep him away, but she would need evidence. It sounds like she has plenty though. Rights of Women might be a good shout.

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:13

I've just realised I've probably just outed myself.

But if it helps someone it's worth it.

So tell her she absolutely needs to take action... Even just for me 😂

Sorry. I have a weird sense of humour!

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/07/2025 01:16

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:08

Thank you.
I told her that too. Also as selfish as it sounds, I just don't want him turning up at my house.

She can have the dog fostered and speak to her HA regarding domestic abuse. If she has a housing officer they'd be able to advise.

Many women in abusive relationships are in complete denial and WA can't help her if she won't act. Sounds like they had a refuge space ready. She needs to leave tonight.

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:18

Thank you for all your replies. She is now sleeping in my spare room as she fled when he told her her she was a fucking ugly cunt and no one would ever want her and he was going to fuck things up.

Her dog is here too.

OP posts:
Avalovelace · 09/07/2025 01:20

She needs to get an Occupation Order. The NCDV can advise.

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:21

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 01:10

Not at all selfish. Just very wise.

To your knowledge has he ever hurt the dog? If so that's also another huge red flag for domestic homicide.

I know some refuges can provide for pets too if that's also a concern.

I understand the worry about tenancy but her life is far more important. Housing can be replaced. She cannot.

Never hurt the dog. I think if he did she would leave anyway. But he seems to love the dog

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Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:32

Another thing she said, ,,,she had her cheekbone broken in 2023. And she is worried it's too late to report it. But she really wants to.
I thought there was a two yr period for reporting this sort of thing. So if anyone knows, would be very helpful thanks.

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FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:16

One random thing that literally just popped into my head.

If she flees SHE NEEDS TO TURN HER LOCATION OFF ON HER PHONE

Sorry to shout. But something people don't think about and abusers will often be sly and use tracking apps without the woman's knowledge.

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:17

Avalovelace · 09/07/2025 01:20

She needs to get an Occupation Order. The NCDV can advise.

Good point.

Totally slipped my mind.

Although whether it'll prevent who knows but it's always a good idea.

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:22

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:21

Never hurt the dog. I think if he did she would leave anyway. But he seems to love the dog

Edited

That's a little reassuring to hear.

Although us humans are weird because I think in the situation if my dogs were hurt that would be the final straw. Crazy that we love them more than ourselves

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:24

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 01:32

Another thing she said, ,,,she had her cheekbone broken in 2023. And she is worried it's too late to report it. But she really wants to.
I thought there was a two yr period for reporting this sort of thing. So if anyone knows, would be very helpful thanks.

Me again!

Was this documented? Also how many of her injuries has she received medical attention for?

Blodyneighbour · 09/07/2025 02:32

FuckNugget69 · 09/07/2025 02:24

Me again!

Was this documented? Also how many of her injuries has she received medical attention for?

Two as far as I know. The broken cheekbone she was in hospital for 4 days with an operation. But she said she fell over. The br9ken arm was documented as DV and that's when women's aid got involved.she dod eventually tell them about the previous injury.
But she keeps coming here after he abuses her then goes bavk to him.
So frustrating
Thanks for all the replies everyone

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