My husband is pushing our daughter away I don’t know what to do

[mycatinthebag]

My eldest daughter is 24, I’m German, my husband is Italian and we have been living in London for 7 years now.
Currently our daughter does a remote job and is able to work from anywhere. Her boyfriend of a year is Russian, he works as part of a professional athletes team so spends most of the year on the road with him and lately our daughter has been often joining them.

Here is the issue, my husband hates her boyfriend. He is fiery, prone to maybe raising his voice, he has got angry and hurt himself (not really like self harm more like punching something). He’s never hurt our daughter and she is totally in love with him. The outbursts don’t come often as far as we know but obviously we aren’t with them all the time.

My husband has now made rules, such as daughter may not visit with him, she may not call in his presence and she shouldn’t mention his name to her father.

Of course I am nervous about the relationship but my daughter swears he has never hurt her, that the anger is always at himself not anyone else and is very kind and loving most of the time.

This is what I’ve seen too, he always seems very kind to my daughter and to me; he’s very good with our younger family members and always keen to help. He just occasionally gets frustrated and even then he is only inflicting harm on himself. Of course my daughter is encouraging him to seek a therapist.

Now I haven’t seen my daughter in 5 months and only can call her while my husband is out as she refuses to visit without her boyfriend. I miss her so much and would love to see her. My husband is unwilling to budge on his opinion saying he won’t watch our daughter get hurt.

Im worried he is pushing her away which exposes her to hurt more not less. I also dont think her boyfriends behaviour is too concerning, yes not ideal but it’s very clear he loves her.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? What do I do?

YANBU but it sounds like she's met a man like her father; self focussed, hot temper, stubborn, controlling.
What would happen if you just told your husband you disagree with him and will be having whatever contact you like with your daughter and that it's your home too and if she and her boyfriend want to stay you will welcome them.

Of course I could tell my daughter to come anyway. However she won’t without her father’s approval. Saying she doesn’t want to bring her boyfriend somewhere he is not welcome.

Why can't she come without her boyfriend?

Well she could, but she doesn’t want to and I can’t make her.

Why can't you visit her?

I can, and I plan too but it’s tricky as they are always on the move, new city every 2-3 weeks right now.

The reason it has come up is she was recently local and decided to not tell us she was local and not see us as she didn’t want her boyfriend to feel uncomfortable.

It's concerning that you can't even call her if your husband is home. Are you worrying about the wrong abusive relationship?

Do you think the boyfriend takes steroids ?

No I don’t think so at all.

I think your relationship is more worrying than your daughters from what you have said.

Have you ever thought maybe she's not allowed to visit on her own without him, he could be controlling her.

I mean yes anything is possible but based on what I have seen I don’t believe that to be the case. I can only really go on what I’ve seen and been told, which doesn’t to me indicate controlling behaviour.

A boyfriend an successfully control from a position of need/martyrdom as well as through outright dominance. That is why the families of women in a domestic violence situation are encouraged to keep the lines of communication open —because otherwise the abused woman gets cut off and will be isolated.

Your dh is wrong on this even if he is right that the boyfriend is dangerous to her cutting her off like this is dangerous.

Steroids were my first thought too OP.

I think I would have a serious conversation with your DH, and tell him that making her boyfriend feel disliked, and unwelcome, is just pushing her into his arms, leaving her isolated, and feeling that she can't turn to Mum and Dad, if and when something does go wrong.

Far better to kill him with kindness, bend over backwards to make him feel welcome, and then if things do go wrong, you'll be in the loop, and ready to help your daughter pick up the pieces.

At the end of the day, she is 24 years old, and as an adult, has to make her own mistakes, the same way that you and your DH did. Sadly, we can't wrap our kids in cotton wool for ever, much as we might like to, BUT what we can do, is be there for them if and when they need us.

Why are they moving cities every 2-3 weeks? Are they on the run?

Punching things is a massive red flag. It's often the first stage of aggressive behaviour that escalates. The problem you have though is that your husband is waving as many red flags with his controlling behaviour, to your daughter and to you.
In terms of what to do I think your priorities need to be keeping yourselves safe and keeping the lines of communication open between you and your daughter. Let her know that despite the men in your lives she is always safe with you.

He works for a professional athlete as part of his team.
So they are in whichever city the tournament is taking place in that week.

Your DH is controlling and selfish.

He needs to manage his discomfort and dislike of the boyfriend for the sake of your dd.

What does he think his rules are going to achieve? It sounds like the rules are only in place for his own self comfort.

Can't he see he is pushing her away? All so he doesn't have to try and deal with his own emotions.

Op if you want to help your DD you need to do whatever it takes to stay in contact with her.

Your husband is an idiot. He needs to be more present for her and more available rather than pushing her away and creating weird rules. He is trying to control the situation and failing. If your DD is in an abusive relationship, you particularly need to be on hand. Better he’s in eye shot and ear shot so you can see what he’s up to and gage danger levels or coercive control. By the sounds of it however your DH is the one with the control issues.

Go see your DD and her partner without your DH. Book a cottage and have your own holiday together. Enjoy being with your DD and get to know the partner. Better the devil you know what’s going on.

I think he knows he is pushing her away but thinks that is preferable to being around her boyfriend.

I actually quite like him, other than a couple of occasions where he has lost his cool, and that has never been at my daughter but at himself. He is always very kind and sweet.

Here is the issue, my husband hates her boyfriend. He is fiery, prone to maybe raising his voice, he has got angry and hurt himself (not really like self harm more like punching something). He’s never hurt our daughter and she is totally in love with him.

But punching things - walls, I assume, or similar - is classed as domestic violence, so I can see her father's pov.

No not walls, it’s more like he tries to attack himself if he’s frustrated with something he’s done,’so hitting himself with something or punching an item (with the intention of causing himself pain).

He is very kind to my daughter I can see that, even if a little troubled himself.

Unusually for me I'm inclined to believe that that he is only losing his temper at himself - abusers would be more likely to not do anything like that in front of other people. He does however sound at best very emotionally intense. Without wishing to stereotype a whole massive nation, it doesn't surprise me that he is Russian, culturally it makes sense to me.

Your DH is being a dick though - if as he suspects your DD is in an abusive relationship, pushing her away is fucking childish and an own goal that will push her towards her partner and away from her family who could help her see sense and get her out. He's essentially prioritising his own comfort over what's best to protect his daughter, so he needs to give back any father of the year trophies he was given in the past.

In your shoes I'd focus on doing my best to meet my daughter on her terms. Arrange to meet up with them at a coffee shop, I'd even pay for a hotel for the the night whenever they are nearby to be honest, anything to keep a relationship with DD.

Both men sound awful. The boyfriend losing control and being violent is not ok, even if the violence isn’t directed at your daughter (yet). Your husband preventing you from speaking to her is also really concerning and controlling . Who is he to determine what you do?

I’d tell your husband that you will continue to see and speak to her. It’s more important than ever if you’re concerned about the boyfriend. If he can’t handle that you may need to reconsider your own relationship.

Punching an item... It's all the same thing.