My husband is pushing our daughter away I don’t know what to do

[mycatinthebag]

My eldest daughter is 24, I’m German, my husband is Italian and we have been living in London for 7 years now.
Currently our daughter does a remote job and is able to work from anywhere. Her boyfriend of a year is Russian, he works as part of a professional athletes team so spends most of the year on the road with him and lately our daughter has been often joining them.

Here is the issue, my husband hates her boyfriend. He is fiery, prone to maybe raising his voice, he has got angry and hurt himself (not really like self harm more like punching something). He’s never hurt our daughter and she is totally in love with him. The outbursts don’t come often as far as we know but obviously we aren’t with them all the time.

My husband has now made rules, such as daughter may not visit with him, she may not call in his presence and she shouldn’t mention his name to her father.

Of course I am nervous about the relationship but my daughter swears he has never hurt her, that the anger is always at himself not anyone else and is very kind and loving most of the time.

This is what I’ve seen too, he always seems very kind to my daughter and to me; he’s very good with our younger family members and always keen to help. He just occasionally gets frustrated and even then he is only inflicting harm on himself. Of course my daughter is encouraging him to seek a therapist.

Now I haven’t seen my daughter in 5 months and only can call her while my husband is out as she refuses to visit without her boyfriend. I miss her so much and would love to see her. My husband is unwilling to budge on his opinion saying he won’t watch our daughter get hurt.

Im worried he is pushing her away which exposes her to hurt more not less. I also dont think her boyfriends behaviour is too concerning, yes not ideal but it’s very clear he loves her.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? What do I do?

Your husband isn't an idiot, OP, he's scared for his daughter and doesn't know what to do, and is doubling down on doing this in the hope that he snaps her out of it. Maybe you could come up with a better way to support her, and maybe your DH would be less confrontational about this if he felt supported by you or felt like you could see what he sees. TBH I think you should be more worried about the boyfriend than you are. Your DH has the measure of him and is trying to protect his daughter, he's just going about it the wrong way. Not everyone is an expert on domestic violence.

Yes this is how I think too. I know I can’t ever truly know if something is happening as we aren’t normally together. But my daughter always seems so happy with him and very content. And while I don’t want to stereotype a whole nation either, it is quite “Russian” of him. I get the feeling he’s a perfectionist and struggles to emotionally regulate when it comes to himself.

No I understand he is scared for her, and of course I am too. I would prefer she was with someone who was more composed.

But I think at some point we have to listen to our daughter? I have seen my daughter in several relationships now. Never has she looked as happy as in her current one. I know we can’t be sure but based on the evidence we have, I don’t think it’s enough to try and drag her away from him, just enough to be cautious.

My sister lived with someone who actually abused her.

At the time I really wanted my parents to react like your husband, but they didn't - they maintained contact with my sister and her partner as a couple and treated him with civility. And in the end it was this that saved my sister, when she eventually realised that her life wouldn't be worth living if she stayed with her partner she was able to turn to my parents for help. Had they 'blackballed' her partner, my sister would have become so much more isolated and at risk.

Interesting you aren’t addressing any of the comments about how controlling your husband is. He is forcing you to lose contact with your daughter. He is forcing his daughter to stay away from the family home. That she won’t come without his approval is very telling.

If my husband decided my daughter could not be around him with her boyfriend, it would be him who would be staying out of the family home. Permanently.

hey op
Sounds like both men are controlling and abusive, your daughter has found someone just like her dad, because that’s what was “normal” for her growing up, you like him and find him sweet because he reminds you of your husband and you’re willing to explain and excuse away some massive red flags.
Both controlling men are now trying to control your daughter, hopefully your daughter sees through this and can start developing healthy relationships.

I mean I think you are very wrong.

My daughter’s boyfriend doesn’t remind me of my husband at all. My husband is not a very emotionally fluent person, would never express anger at himself or anyone else outwardly, hasn’t ever cried in our 30 years of marriage etc. I do feel his current behaviour is controlling but he hasn’t always been this way.

I don’t see my daughter’s boyfriend as controlling at all, she is among her own choices I believe and I don’t think I’ve said anything here that suggests he is controlling her rather than people inferring and assuming that because he takes his anger out on my himself he must also be control which I don’t feel is all that fair.

Great point!

I get the feeling he’s a perfectionist and struggles to emotionally regulate when it comes to himself.

What happens if your daughter gets pregnant? His children will be an extension of himself. If they fail to live up to his standards and he is unable to stop his rages and physical violence towards himself, what do you think his attitude to them will be?

Your husband isn’t helping here is he.
The ‘not under my roof’ attitude always just drives people closer together.
Keep in close contact with your daughter so she knows she’s got a safe space to run to if she needs to.
Punching anything is never a story that ends well.

I disagree. I've been present when two different male friends have punched a wall in frustration. One is my best friend of 20 years, dvd the kindest of people. Neither of them would hurt a fly. Their frustration was entirely at themselves, and while something like that is hard to witness, I don't think that the action could be called abuse in either case.

I can see that it would be in some situations, particularly if it was a 'see what you made me do?' thing in an already complex and difficult relationship, but that's not what I'm picking up here.

It is actually considered abuse. I have been a voluteer at a women's shelter for years now and during my training this was discussed. It's seen as a threat to whoever is present when you do it and I would say that for the vast majority of domestic abuse victims I have spoken to the abusive behavior started with the man destroying things around them or deliberately hurting themselves. It then took anything from a few weeks to many years before they started directing their violence towards their spouse.

It is definitely a very bright red flag and the most cunning of the abusers are able to wait years before they turn on their spouse. Just long enough for them to be invested in them and isolated from loved ones.

Your DH is out of order. He can’t tell you or DD what to do. It’s understandable she doesn’t want to see her dad but you need to establish a way of seeing her.