My mum doesn’t make time for my children…

[Thuraya17]

I can’t believe I’m writing this because it’s never a situation I thought I would find myself in. Long story short, we live abroad and my mum doesn’t get to see the children often. However, she talks all of the time about how much she adores them, she buys them gifts etc. But when she visits us, she kind of does her own thing, doesn’t really seem so interested in going out with the kids to kid friendly things, doesn’t consider nap times at all and whether children will be grumpy, thinks I should just crack on with whatever she wants to do and if they don’t sleep it’s fine. Which to a certain degree I understand but not 0 consideration at all.

Anyway, I brought it up to her and she said it’s because we live abroad. So, I decided to go home for a few months to allow my family ample time with the kids, I want them to grow up knowing their family and my husband was super busy with work anyway so I got his blessing to go ahead. We FaceTime him multiple times a day but he did really miss us and I did feel kind of guilty.

With that said, in the months we’ve been home, although other family members have made the effort, my mum still hasn’t made time for the kids. I’m not talking about hasn’t done elaborate days out, I’m talking can’t spend 5 minutes at the local playground because she’s busy but I see her watching series for an hour and sitting on her phone for 30 mins. I’m just frustrated, I’m not asking for childcare, I want to go with you, I just want you to join us. I know she loves them and she compliments them and sings their praises all day but won’t spare a morning or an afternoon to come and do something fun for the kids with us.

Its up to her what she does with her time now.
Her child raising days are over they are your children.

Some people are just not bothered and there is not a lot you can do about it. My DPs live 2 hours away, both retired, perfectly capable and think nothing of driving for hours to go on day trips and holidays. I can count on one hand the number rof times they have visited their two grandchildren and nthe oldest is 18 now! They also don't send cards or call on birthdays etc.

I would concentrate on the family that is bothered and stop trying to force her to be someone she obviously isn't even though I do acknowledge it's a very upsetting position to be in

Have you gently said something like:
Mum, the kids would love it if you would do more things along with us. I’m not asking for childcare, I just want you to join us when you're not busy. You could have come to the local playground with us instead of spending this afternoon o your phone or on Netflix

Unfortunately some DPs are like that- both my DPs and DS’ DPs were and it’s meant that we hardly see them. Now our DCs are grown up their grandparents are desperate to spend time with them and my DCs just aren’t interested because they feel they don’t really have a relationship with them. My DM was lamenting the other day that it felt like she was a stranger to them and I thought “well you reap what you sow”…. Look on the bright side though, as they get older I’m certainly not going to feel a sense of obligation to look after them as we just don’t have that sort of relationship.

It’s sad OP and I totally understand that you are upset but you have tried your best, if it was me I would stop putting in any effort with her and go home then if/when she comes to visit let her stay at a hotel (assuming she usually stays with you) and then she can do her own thing and not bother you. She is putting herself first which is her right and it is your right to put you and your DC first.

I know. As I said, I don’t want childcare, we live abroad with 0 help which I am perfectly okay with. I just thought it would be nice of her to join us (whilst I parent my kids) and she just comes along for the memories.

Yes I’ve tried to gently say it. If we’re going to the park and she’s at home I say ‘we’re going to walk up now, you can join us or come up a little bit later, we’ll be there a while so take your time’. She doesn’t come. It’s just so sad because when we’re away she always says she wants to live close to us to see the kids. It’s just one of those things I guess.

Thank you. This is probably the advice I needed and what I’m going to do. She complains that we live away, I’ve brought the kids home and she hasn’t took advantage of it so I think it’s time we pack up back home. I did my best and that’s all you can do in the end. The children love her too, and my grandmother (her mother) was like a second mother to me so I guess I expected something else. At least I have my answer.

That's not saying quite the same thing, though. Is she still (somehow) not getting that what she's doing isn't okay with you and with the kids? How about pointing out explicitly that you/they have been a bit disappointed; they thought she would do X, Y Z with them; they'll be leaving soon and none of that has happened? If you're ready to give up, there's nothing to lose by having that conversation. Even if it ends in cross words, that's no worse than leaving sadly.

She likes the idea of it not the reality . It’s easy to say “oh can’t wait to see them , I miss them , they are just words . All of my family are like this , its just something that they say to make them feel they’ve done something 🤷‍♀️
I know exactly what you are talking about but I’ve never been close to my mum anyway so it wasn’t a surprise but literally zero interest in doing anything and my eldest is 15 and has never done a single thing with them and I never expected childcare which is lucky as they didnt even do 5 seconds of help .
I lived abroad /lived close, it doesn’t make the slightest difference. It’s always me doing the driving and visiting. I often feel a pang of sadness (even now my kids are all much older ), when I see mum and daughters out for a walk with the kids or in the pool changing rooms 😢 I wouldn’t bother so much @Thuraya17 , sad though that is.

It’s really sad for all of you.
Are the children fond of their granny?

Not many grandparents are full on these days.

Maybe she doesn't like kid orientated stuff I avoid it like the plague. I do however take my DGS out places but not parks and soft bloody play

See I think i'd have to just come out with it. I wouldn't want her, in a few years time, coming out with "Well, why didn't you SAY so?! I didn't realise you felt like that, I didn't think you'd want me at the playground." etc etc. Even if she said now "Well to be honest, I find being with kids that age difficult, I'm looking foward to them being older when I can do x/y/z with them", or "To be honest, I find them badly behaved and it winds me up that you let them get away with blah blah", at least you'd have an answer.

What was the reason your grandmother was more like a mother to you? Did your mother have to work all the time? Or do you just think she isn't really a maternal person? Some women aren't, it's just the way they are. She's not going to suddenly start going all maternal with grandchildren if she wasn't with you.

What a strange thing to say. If you had a friend who complained they never saw you and that they'd love to see more of you and you made a big effort to go and spend time with them because of that, but they ignored you and sat on their phone or watched telly, would you just tell yourself "oh, well, it's up to them how they want to spend their time - their friendship days are over."

How old is she?

Are you staying with her while you’re back in the Uk? If not, how often do you see her at the moment?

when I take my kids home for a week, I stay with my mum and I’d never expect her to come to a playground with me because she’s exhausted having the kids running around her house (she lives by herself) and I take them away to get them out from her feet. She spends enough time with them at her house or in the garden!

Honestly, many people love and adore their own children but don’t necessarily enjoy the things you mention.

She obviously patented when families just got on with stuff, didn’t restrict themselves to ‘kid friendly’ stuff, expected kids to nap on the go etc.

you don’t seem to realise how much parenting as changed?

let her do her own thing with the kids.

amd not at short notice when you are already heading to the park!

Yep this..you can't change people..she likes the hypothetical concept of grandchildren she can talk about but isn't interested in the somewhat boring reality of day to day life..which is a real shame as its a lovely time to enjoy them and she should know how short this stage is..stop trying you will just disappoint yourself more. Mine was the same and as someone who is now seeing younger friends with small babies I'm really shocked how distant she was and disengaged..can she really have forgotten how intense this stage is and how much a little help or involvement goes a long way ? Apparently. Just focus on your family .

You'd love my mum to be yours. She lives a 5 minute drive from us, but turns up Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, and maybe one to two random days, where she sits in the lounge (or dining room if she turns up at tea time) with her jacket on for 30 minutes going "Aww they're so cute/smart/funny/big/beautiful/grown (Insert other) now" then says "oh been here so long, must get a proper catch up soon, it's been too long! Need to see you all properly! Miss you all so much!" then leaves...

Just accept her the way she is.
At least you have a mother.

This. My MIL is like this - loves yapping about how much she adores her grandchildren but frankly never ever makes time for them or is remotely interested. She wants thd kudos without effort to build a relationship. Sad for her.

Where are you living now you're over here?

This! My mother will sing their praises to anyone she knows "DGC1 got a really prestigious school award, I am so proud" "DGC2 got the main part in a play (which she didn't come to) I couldn't be more proud. Just love him!" "DGC3 is excelling in their sport, they got first place, look at the picture of them winning (shows a picture I sent as she didn't attend)"
It's shitty, especially as she done a massive amount of childcare for my elder brother (golden child). I've never asked for childcare. And she also looks after my eldest sister's DD's DD (her great grandchild). Families suck!
DH's family we are NC with due to childhood abuse and trauma, so we have zero adult time, but we muddle in and are there for the kids. We feel so sad when they tell us about their friends having sleepovers, weekends away and holidays with DGPs. But it is what it is.

Edited for typo

Understandably you want more but unfortunately you need to accept this how your mother is a grandparent and highly doubt there is much you can do to change that!