My mum doesn’t make time for my children…

[Thuraya17]

I can’t believe I’m writing this because it’s never a situation I thought I would find myself in. Long story short, we live abroad and my mum doesn’t get to see the children often. However, she talks all of the time about how much she adores them, she buys them gifts etc. But when she visits us, she kind of does her own thing, doesn’t really seem so interested in going out with the kids to kid friendly things, doesn’t consider nap times at all and whether children will be grumpy, thinks I should just crack on with whatever she wants to do and if they don’t sleep it’s fine. Which to a certain degree I understand but not 0 consideration at all.

Anyway, I brought it up to her and she said it’s because we live abroad. So, I decided to go home for a few months to allow my family ample time with the kids, I want them to grow up knowing their family and my husband was super busy with work anyway so I got his blessing to go ahead. We FaceTime him multiple times a day but he did really miss us and I did feel kind of guilty.

With that said, in the months we’ve been home, although other family members have made the effort, my mum still hasn’t made time for the kids. I’m not talking about hasn’t done elaborate days out, I’m talking can’t spend 5 minutes at the local playground because she’s busy but I see her watching series for an hour and sitting on her phone for 30 mins. I’m just frustrated, I’m not asking for childcare, I want to go with you, I just want you to join us. I know she loves them and she compliments them and sings their praises all day but won’t spare a morning or an afternoon to come and do something fun for the kids with us.

I reckon some people are a bit traumatised from raising kids and can’t bear to do much with the grandkids. Know it sounds awful, but I am absolutely knackered raising kids and at times feel the responsibility and mental load has broken me. I dream of independent days pleasing myself. I’m not sure I could face grandkids.

Of course it's up to her what she does with her time. It does make her a pretty shitty grandmother though. OP isn't asking for any childcare or baby sitting, just for her mum to show an interest in her children.

She should stop wanging on about how much she adores her grandchildren as she obviously doesn't. Actions speak louder than words.

What a ridiculous and guilt trippy thing to say. OP has a crap mother who couldn't give a shit about her grandchildren. She accepts her the way she is because she has no other option. She will just stop trying to make her mum care and will pull back from the relationship for her own peace of mind.

Indeed. You tried, called her bluff some might say. At least now you know for sure that it’s all just empty hot air.

Get on and enjoy your family with people who genuinely want to be involved.

Maybe make some kind of record, note, reminder of this experience, to lean on in years to come, should you need it.

Always form your opinion on what someone DOES not what they say- it's tough, but she just doesn't seem to be into being a grandparent.

Do you think she might secretly be anxious and worried that she has forgotten her parenting type skills? Anxiety can come across as disinterest. Maybe chat again with her and ask her if she has any worries about things to do with the kids.

My mum was like this I think in the end you just have to have acceptance in that they won't change .
It took me a long time and it hurt along the way because you think it should be a natural feeling that your mum wants to spend time feeling close to your children sadly for us it isn't.
We were never a priority live your life being you leave your mum to it xx

Awww I really resonate with you this is my mum we no longer have a relationship x

Sounds like a fake grandmother. Loves the label but can't be arsed to play the traditional grandmother role. Clearly a member of the FOMO club going by her phone usage but claims to be too busy for the grandkids.

My mum loves my daughter but wouldn't enjoy going to a park/playground with her as that's a chore.
Mum, however, will come and play with her while I prep dinner and get on with household jobs. She much prefers one-on-one time singing songs, playing games and just being silly. You don't get those interactions on a day out. An adult accompanying me to the playground or on any outing is far more about keeping me company than bonding with my daughter.

How old are they?

Some people are great with young kids, some are better when they get older.

How was she as a mum to you, OP?

You're not being very direct which is odd. I would straight out ask her to come to the park. When she spends her day doing fuck all at your house, why didn't you ask her why she didn't do xys with the kids?

But she is probably just not that bothered. She likes the idea but not the reality of it. My FIL is the same. It's very tedious but at least I gave up on FIL very quickly. I wouldn't have gone to the lengths you have (we also live abroad)..

Unfortunately I believe she meant it literally. She wanted to "see" them, and can do so perfectly from her armchair or lounge window. Some people are like that, and heartbreaking though it is, don´t fight it. Match her energy and let your husband enjoy them back where he is. Otherwise you will be permanently feeling hurt and disappointed.

Not sure whether it's sad for her, myself and my husband don't bother either. Your own life, right etc. 😊

She's the type that wants onrnamental/ stunt grandchildren, but not the reality of an actual human relationship.

You took your children away from their father to spend time with someone who can't be arsed with them? Appalling

This is missing the point
OP's mum could participate /get involved in children.
It's not about cc or child rearing

I agree. You miss your husband too so go home. It’s not worth it. If she brings it up once you’re home you can reference your experience and effort.

perhaps she says it when you’re abroad because she feels like she should - but in reality she doesn’t want to?

Unfortunately for them, they love her (they’re only young so they don’t really understand anything) 🥺I think that’s what makes it worse, I’ve come to terms with it though. It is what it is and I can’t change it.

She worked full time so my grandmother worked around her schedule. She has joked about not being very maternal but she was still a great mother to me.

She praises the kids and talks about how good they are which to be honest i agree with, I do think I got quite lucky I have chilled out children and they also have boundaries and rules at our house so they know the drill.

I do think you’re right and I should be quite direct. I just don’t love conflict but I guess it removes the chance of her saying I didn’t ask. Thanks for the advice ☺️

We’re staying with her (she wouldn’t have wanted us to stay elsewhere and would have been offended if I suggested it). I wouldn’t expect her to come with us if she spent so much time with them at home but she sits in the other room or upstairs watching shows or she goes out alone 😖 it’s so not like the mother that I know and grew up with that’s why I’m so surprised. And she consistently talks about us moving home. It’s very odd.

Yes i also don’t often do kid orientated things too often though. We go for walks, and I’m not such a ‘modern parent’. My kids can nap on the go, just not every single day.

I take my kids for coffee, lunch and dinner. We don’t need to do kid stuff at all and she knows that. She’s offered to take them out for lunch, I said yes go for it and she never did it once. I offered that we all go together so she doesn’t have to do the childcare part, still nothing. I’ve come to terms with it though, it’s obviously just the stage of life that she’s in.

I would pack up and go home.

next time she says I miss the kids or wish you lived closer, say ‘why? Genuinely why? You don’t like spending any time with them at all. Let’s not pretend if we lived nearby it would be any different to how it is currently?!’

my mum also constantly talks about my children and always buying stuff for them. But after spending 5 mins with them she finds them annoying and frustrating. I think she likes the idea of them but not what small children are actually like

This might just be it tbh. She does say it was hard raising us when we were young.