To think that not all trauma deserves sympathy?

[YourHangryCritic]

We’re constantly told to “be kind” because “you never know what someone’s going through.” But some people weaponise their trauma as a get out of jail card for bad behaviour. Trauma explains, sure but it doesn’t excuse.

Yes, and also the menopause (which I m currently experiencing), it s also not a shield against accountability for bad behaviour.

We all have mental health. None of us are punch bags or release targets for other people s mental health issues.

Seek out treatment from the correct resources, if you need to.

I think all trauma deserves compassion. However, as you say, trauma is not a get out of jail free card. It may be a reason, but it is not an excuse, for bad behaviour, especially when it traumatises others.

For example, trauma informed my alcohol addiction. That may be a reason, (it is), but it will never, ever, be an excuse for the trauma I inflicted on my children and my husband as a result of my addiction before I actively sought and gained sobriety.

YANBU.

A lot of people are just big wet lettuces.

YANBU some people cause there own trauma and act like victims.

Didn’t you post this a couple of days ago?

I’ve been through a lot of trauma in my life but I’m still kind to others. Trauma is not an excuse to take it out on other people

I think people generally deserve sympathy when they go through hard times. I can feel for you and recognise the impact on you and still find your behaviour unacceptable to me, they aren’t mutually exclusive.

Same, if anything it has made me a better person. You can feel compassion for someone's trauma and at the same time refuse to accept it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

No, wasn’t me. Must’ve been someone with a similar thought but I haven’t posted about this before.

I agree. It also isn’t a licence to entirely dominate all conversations. If two people are meeting, they must each be able to speak for a third of the time with the remaining third up for grabs. Someone who doesn’t obey this rule will get avoided after a while.

Absolutely agree OP.
Someone in my extended family is like this. Yes, they have had some very difficult times and I wouldn't want to swap lives, but this is used as an excuse for all kinds of appalling behaviour and my sympathy evaporated quite a long time ago. Other people in our wider family have been through and are still going through some tough times too but this one person's trauma is always more important than everyone else's. Not only are they demanding and self pitying but they refuse to take responsibility for their own part in their problems and learn nothing from the past. If they say jump everyone is expected to say how high and to say it instantly or there's an outburt of personal insults and a toddler like meltdown where we get told that nobody's life is as hard as theirs. No "excuse" for failing to drop everything and run to their aid is acceptable and even if you do help it's never enough.
I had lots of sympathy in the beginning but 7 or 8 years down the line when the person has made no progress, shows no willingness to accept any help that requires them to address underlying problems or change themselves it's gone. Yes, "they've been through a lot" but that doesn't mean that every friend and relation has to centre their lives around them. I am absolutely finished with being kind!

All trauma deserves sympathy.

It doesn't excusing causing harm to others, either emotionally, physically, financially or sexually.

Trauma can explain why people act and respond in certain ways, but it is also their responsibility to receive help so that they don't then continue the cycle and cause trauma to others.

Your title is misleading to what you are actually saying, I think.

I think there’s a difference between being sympathetic and letting people excuse terrible behaviour with trauma. I think all trauma deserves compassion and sympathy, but that sympathy can and should have a limit when trauma is being used as an excuse for hurting others.

I think you, and other people who are responding to you, don’t really understand the meaning of trauma. Having something bad happen to you does not always equal trauma - it is unfortunate that it gets minimised.

Yeah totally agree. The OP is conflating two separate ideas.

You can have sympathy for someone's predicament or trauma without excusing them from bad behaviour.

But trauma and bad behaviour are totally separate things. All trauma does deserve sympathy.

If something happens to someone else that you wouldn't want to happen to you then it's only decent human nature to feel sympathy and empathy.

Personally I think the people who use trauma as an excuse to be a twat to others, often have the most minimal 'traumatic' experiences. I find people who have experienced really serious kinds of trauma, rarely use it as an excuse for anything.

Trauma can explain why people act and respond in certain ways, but it is also their responsibility to receive help so that they don't then continue the cycle and cause trauma to others.

I think you underestimate the help available to people, particularly good trauma informed help.

Absolutely this

I do think trauma deserves some empathy and understanding although if a person is lashing out at you consistently and it is affecting you then you don't have to accept it.

For me trauma is surviving the war or experiencing somebody being killed in front of you, or having gone through torture. But now 'trauma' seems to refer to everyday things that most of us seem to have gone through at some point in our lives. Like a bad job, a bad boss, a bad boyfriend, a dog has died, getting fired, somewhat lacking childhood, etc. There is just so much of it nowadays described as trauma that are just normal human life experiences that the word's meaning itself has devalued.

I’ve been very fortunate to have had a trauma free life, but have a few friends and family who haven’t. On the whole the act normally but occasionally their experiences reflect their reactions to situations. I always try to respect why they react as such. Incidentally we are talking about still births, DV, 7/7 and serving in the armed forces and Fire brigade.

This really, not all trauma can be healed not everyone knows where to go has the headspace to seek help, it is complex .

I personally have medical trauma it is a form of ptsd I cope fine usually but I will never be healed.

Some people are clearly dealing with trauma. I also think “trauma” as a widened concept and convincing everybody they have some, has also been ill-adopted by and become a great money spinner for low-rent therapists and those who peddle self-help books and coaching courses and wellbeing activities.

I have an acquaintance who made a decision in young adulthood to tell people her name was spelled a different way than it is on her birth certificate, because so many people pronounced it incorrectly. She’s now decided to change it back - but also wangs on at length on social media about having realised and having to come to terms with the impact of the trauma that society gave her by forcing her to deny her identity and personhood with its ignorance.

Absolutely good for her that she’s now decided to spell her name how she wants and in a way she feels reflects who she is. The rest is just bonkers.

Yanbu. I lost three sons due to being stillborn, my grandad, my mother in law, my youngest son nearly died in front of my eyes from a misdiagnosis and then diagonsed with a disease that tries to kill him daily, my other child has a learning disability and currently going through a horrific time medically all in the space of a couple of years and i still dont behave shitty to other people.
Theres no excuse in the world to treat people like dirt. (Unless theyve done something terrible.)
Sick of people using their trauma as a way to behave badly.