To think that not all trauma deserves sympathy?

[YourHangryCritic]

We’re constantly told to “be kind” because “you never know what someone’s going through.” But some people weaponise their trauma as a get out of jail card for bad behaviour. Trauma explains, sure but it doesn’t excuse.

Well done. That’s an amazing achievement. Your comments make me feel better that someone can understand their behaviour wasn’t ok despite them being an addict.

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and he doesn’t accept that he treated me horribly before he was in recovery. He had PTSD from going to war in 2003 (has been treated be a veterans charity to help him recover) and he also uses this as an excuse for awful past behaviour. He’s never accepted that he was in the wrong.

I've trauma from the death of my twin sons 20 months ago shortly after birth. One of my little boys was stillborn and our other little twin son died in our arms five days later after all further treatment options were gone and we removed life support. I fight constant flashbacks to test week but I'm getting there, recently had my rainbow baby so that's complex in itself.

I never really doubt people saying they have trauma though but its probably because you wouldn't know it looking at me unless you knew my story. So I tend to believe you dont know what people have gone through in comparison to what they actually tell you. I agree though it doesn't excuse bad behaviour

If they really are using it as an excuse, I agree. However, in some cases, such as PTSD, people don't even have control over all of their behaviour. I would definitely give them some grace for that. In general though, while we should feel compassion for somebody's trauma, it doesn't mean we have to like the person or let them get away with being horrible. For example, I can feel a bit of compassion for Trump because he had a cruel, monstrous father. However, I still hate Trump's guts. I do have a soft heart, but at the same time I don't tolerate scumbags and can go absolutely ballistic on them if they are abusive and evil.
Hope that makes sense.

I think all trauma deserves sympathy, but doesn’t excuse passing that trauma onto someone else. E.g If someone has a traumatic childhood I would feel sympathy. But if they then went on to abuse their children or start committing crimes against others I wouldn't think that’s a reason to excuse their behaviour.

I think it depends what weaponising looks like- everyone deals with things differently and some people don’t cope or manage as well as others. It’s easy to say we all go through shit but some people wade through it, some march stoically on while others fall and need someone to start pulling them through

I went through much of my early life with people mispronouncing my name, and added to that I had an unusual surname which some people couldn't get their heads around. I actually changed the spelling of my name by dead poll to get people to call me the correct name. I never realised I was supposed to be suffering from some kind of trauma from it all.

Your title does not reflect the premise of your question. Yes, all trauma deserves my sympathy, and no, it does not excuse behaviour.

Definitely. I’ve known many with trauma, and if they use it to behave negatively towards me eg aggressive or cold etc then I know the explanation but I don’t put up with the behaviour. There’s nearly always an explanation why someone behaves badly but it doesn’t excuse it, they need to learn to not be like that.