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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused why DP didn’t tell me he had a drink with our neighbour?

54 replies

MellowSar · 08/07/2025 11:22

This may be me over thinking things but I’d welcome a second view.

My DP had a night out on Saturday and got home just after midnight. Yesterday, I saw one of our neighbours, a lady who lives across the street and she said hello and that my DP was a bit merry on Saturday and did he have a sore head the next day. I was in a rush and said he was a bit groggy.

When DP got home from work, I relayed her comments and he casually said ‘oh yeah, I bumped into her just as I was about to get a taxi so we shared one to split the cost and she invited me in for a night cap’.

AIBU to feel confused why he didn’t tell me about this himself? It’s not a neighbour we have socialised with before beyond pleasantries in the street!

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 08/07/2025 12:40

Roseshavethorns · 08/07/2025 11:46

Did you ask him about his night out, where he went etc?
If you asked him and he lied, then I would be furious.
If you asked if he had a good night and he said yes and left it at that, then I really wouldn't worry.
It's sounds like as soon as you mentioned it he told you about it so he wasn't trying to hide anything. It just wasn't important enough to him to mention.
It probably depends on whether popping in to someone's house on the way home is unusual for you both.
When we were younger both DH and I often got waylaid on our way home and ended up in someone's house. We normally told each other though but that would have been in response to a question of how the night went.

Edited

Soz, for some reason the quote function didn’t work - this is what I was referencing!

RealEagle · 08/07/2025 12:42

GingerBeverage · 08/07/2025 12:03

Wasn't there another thread like this recently?

Yes there is a pattern

Bingbangboo · 08/07/2025 12:45

I always think if there is nothing to something he would have mentioned it. It's sufficiently out of the ordinary to deserve a mention in conversation with you the next day surely?

RaininSummer · 08/07/2025 12:49

Doesn't sound at all confusing tbh. Your husband was drunk and went into a woman's house to continue drinking and ... Who knows. Either way it's not great.

rainbowstardrops · 08/07/2025 13:03

The sharing the taxi is absolutely fine. The nightcap when he’d already had too much to drink? Absolutely not!!!

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 13:07

I doubt anything happened but I wouldn't be happy about it at all. If I was single I would never dream in a million years of asking my married neighbour into my house for a night cap?!

MsDogLady · 09/07/2025 07:16

@MellowSar, I would feel uneasy about their late night drink at her house. His secretiveness suggests that there’s more to this.

He hid the fact that he went home with this single woman for a drink at midnight, and he took a chance that you wouldn’t find out. I think she sounded you out to see if you knew, and your vague reaction told her that he hadn’t said a word.

Had they been at the same venue? You view her as an acquaintance whom you occasionally exchange pleasantries with, but is it possible that he has been getting to know her when you aren’t around?

You need to get to the bottom of this, @MellowSar. He needs to hear that you are uncomfortable with his lying by omission about this woman.

Original poster
MellowSar · 09/07/2025 07:39

Well I spoke to him again last night and he admitted he didn’t tell me incase I ‘jumped to crazy conclusions’. I told him that him not telling me is the thing that sent my mind wandering!

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 09/07/2025 07:40

Meant to add:
They ended up at hers for a nightcap, which feels overfamiliar to me, and then he was secretive. I’d be wondering if they exchanged numbers and have been messaging. In your shoes I would investigate his phone.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/07/2025 07:48

MellowSar · 09/07/2025 07:39

Well I spoke to him again last night and he admitted he didn’t tell me incase I ‘jumped to crazy conclusions’. I told him that him not telling me is the thing that sent my mind wandering!

Do you gave form for jumping to ‘crazy conclusions’? If not then it’s dodgier really. Also stupid on his part because it’s obvious you were likely to find out.

MsDogLady · 09/07/2025 07:55

MellowSar · 09/07/2025 07:39

Well I spoke to him again last night and he admitted he didn’t tell me incase I ‘jumped to crazy conclusions’. I told him that him not telling me is the thing that sent my mind wandering!

@MellowSar, his intentional omission looks very dodgy. He feels entitled to block transparency in your relationship when it comes to his interactions with other women. If she hadn’t asked about his hangover, you’d still be none the wiser.

How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

I’d be checking his phone for a while, @MellowSar.

Miyagi99 · 09/07/2025 08:29

Drinking with a neighbour, fine, I do it a lot, especially when the weather’s been nice as everyone has been in their gardens, not mentioning it is a bit dodgy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/07/2025 08:32

Very very dodgy. This isn’t having a drink in a neighbours garden early eve, this is being invited in for a nightcap late at night, with an attractive single woman.

Either something happened or he wanted it to.

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/07/2025 08:34

@MellowSar He knew it wasn’t right, that’s why he didn’t mention it .
Soon as he knew you knew , he started with his story .

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/07/2025 08:36

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/07/2025 08:32

Very very dodgy. This isn’t having a drink in a neighbours garden early eve, this is being invited in for a nightcap late at night, with an attractive single woman.

Either something happened or he wanted it to.

This

Rabbitsockpeony · 09/07/2025 08:52

Dreamondreaminon · 09/07/2025 07:42

Yikes, me too.

5128gap · 09/07/2025 09:00

Its odd that they went to her empty house for a nightcap. If they wanted to continue their friendly chat, it would have been better for him to ask her into yours. This makes it clearer to all there was nothing to hide and nothing inappropriate about it. And yes, it's odd that he didn't tell you. Luckily, the woman seems to have the integrity to make sure you weren't in the dark.

Yogabearmous · 09/07/2025 09:02

a “night cap”?! It’s not the 80s!!! I wouldn’t like that and I’d like the secrecy even less.

Tessasanderson · 09/07/2025 10:19

Dodgy as hell. Taxi home together, ok i can accept that happening and being reasonable. Single woman inviting intoxicated bloke into her home for a 'nightcap'. Either your DH is very stupid or he wanted to/did sleep with her.

Neighbour needs to be told to stay the hell away from your husband and asked if she slept with him. Then you deal with your husband accordingly.

I would be ripping my partner to bits about this.

FlipFlopVibe · 09/07/2025 10:29

5128gap · 09/07/2025 09:00

Its odd that they went to her empty house for a nightcap. If they wanted to continue their friendly chat, it would have been better for him to ask her into yours. This makes it clearer to all there was nothing to hide and nothing inappropriate about it. And yes, it's odd that he didn't tell you. Luckily, the woman seems to have the integrity to make sure you weren't in the dark.

Seems a bit more boastful to me, she invited him in knowing he is married with a family. If she cared that much she wouldn’t have done it

5128gap · 09/07/2025 12:03

FlipFlopVibe · 09/07/2025 10:29

Seems a bit more boastful to me, she invited him in knowing he is married with a family. If she cared that much she wouldn’t have done it

Show quote history

I think we should be careful about jumping to conclusions that paint other women in the poorest possible light. For one thing, it diverts attention from the behaviour of the married man in the scenario. For all we know he could have invited himself and she didn't want to be rude. Regardless the OP says she's an attractive single woman, so I'd be very surprised if she thought getting a man into her house after a night out was something worth boasting about. I'm sure she knows she could have a queue if that's what she wanted.

FlipFlopVibe · 09/07/2025 12:18

You jumped to the conclusion that she had integrity. We have absolutely no way of knowing that either. She didn’t tell OP anything, she asked if he had a sore head. OP heard about the night cap from DH. The facts are she invited him in, that speaks for itself

SiameseBlueEyes · 09/07/2025 12:21

I'd never ever have even thought about asking a married man in for a nightcap in those circumstances. I'd be worried about them getting the wrong idea or their wife getting the wrong idea. I think it would be very unlikely my husband would accept an invitation like that but he'd certainly tell me if he did.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 10/07/2025 08:57

She knew what she was doing when she asked you, same as when she shared a taxi and invited him in.

As @5128gap said, it would make more sense to come to yours or for DH to text you to say you've been invited to hers.

He'd had a few, thought he might get lucky and took his chance.

Might have regretted it or will keep hoping for what could have been, that's if nothing happened.

Who invites a drunk/tipsy married man indoors at night?