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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused why DP didn’t tell me he had a drink with our neighbour?

54 replies

MellowSar · 08/07/2025 11:22

This may be me over thinking things but I’d welcome a second view.

My DP had a night out on Saturday and got home just after midnight. Yesterday, I saw one of our neighbours, a lady who lives across the street and she said hello and that my DP was a bit merry on Saturday and did he have a sore head the next day. I was in a rush and said he was a bit groggy.

When DP got home from work, I relayed her comments and he casually said ‘oh yeah, I bumped into her just as I was about to get a taxi so we shared one to split the cost and she invited me in for a night cap’.

AIBU to feel confused why he didn’t tell me about this himself? It’s not a neighbour we have socialised with before beyond pleasantries in the street!

OP posts:
ObtuseMoose · 08/07/2025 11:23

Are you confused or are you angry?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 08/07/2025 11:24

Do you think it’s inappropriate that we went in her house assuming they were both alone? Does he normally tell you who he drinks with?

FrenchandSaunders · 08/07/2025 11:25

seems a bit odd!

Bottleflag · 08/07/2025 11:25

Hmm. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I think she knew very well you didn't know...

dogcatkitten · 08/07/2025 11:26

Is she attractive and does she live with a DH or DP? Probably harmless, but he may have felt a bit guilty about being late home and then going to a neighbours for another drink.

Cookiecrumblepie · 08/07/2025 11:27

It’s weird he didn’t mention it.

noidea69 · 08/07/2025 11:27

He was probably worried about your reaction.

SaturdayDream · 08/07/2025 11:30

It wouldn’t faze me.

ladyandthetramp2 · 08/07/2025 11:36

If they’re not friends he probably thought he’d pulled by her inviting him in and then after a drink he went home and thought you wouldn’t believe him that nothing happened (assuming nothing did)

Notmyrealname22 · 08/07/2025 11:38

Yes, it’s dodgy he didn’t mention it. Either something happened or he thought it was going to. Either way, not good. He didn’t tell you because he knows it doesn’t look good.

Original poster
MellowSar · 08/07/2025 11:38

dogcatkitten · 08/07/2025 11:26

Is she attractive and does she live with a DH or DP? Probably harmless, but he may have felt a bit guilty about being late home and then going to a neighbours for another drink.

She is single, and conventionally attractive I would say.

If I got a taxi home with a neighbour then had a drink with them I’d definitely mention it!

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 08/07/2025 11:39

MellowSar · 08/07/2025 11:38

She is single, and conventionally attractive I would say.

If I got a taxi home with a neighbour then had a drink with them I’d definitely mention it!

Show quote history

I don’t think this is that confusing then, he didn’t tell you because it looks dodgy!

OneNaiceSnail · 08/07/2025 11:41

If a single male neighbour invited me in for a drink, one who I’d never socialised with before, I’d decline. For one I’d find it weird, and two I’d consider it disrespectful to my oh. And no me and my oh are not the slightest bit controlling in any way, we were literally swingers back in our hey day, but this is something else. If it was my oh I know for a fact 100% that if he did want to pop into this woman’s just for a drink, he’d check with me first that I’d be ok with it. And he certainly wouldn’t have kept it a secret afterwards. I suspect there’s more to the story you still don’t know

Userengage · 08/07/2025 11:41

Are you really “confused” as to why he didn’t tell you?

SpikeGilesSandwich · 08/07/2025 11:45

I was about to say YABU until I read the part where they went to hers for a nightcap. I’m usually chilled about these things but that would piss me off!

Roseshavethorns · 08/07/2025 11:46

Did you ask him about his night out, where he went etc?
If you asked him and he lied, then I would be furious.
If you asked if he had a good night and he said yes and left it at that, then I really wouldn't worry.
It's sounds like as soon as you mentioned it he told you about it so he wasn't trying to hide anything. It just wasn't important enough to him to mention.
It probably depends on whether popping in to someone's house on the way home is unusual for you both.
When we were younger both DH and I often got waylaid on our way home and ended up in someone's house. We normally told each other though but that would have been in response to a question of how the night went.

JustAnInchident · 08/07/2025 11:48

He didn’t tell you because it’s dodgy as fuck. What kind of a weird situation would that be?! A neighbour inviting a neighbour in for a cuppa is one thing, but inviting a very drunk man into a woman’s home late at night for a nightcap? It’s overfriendly at best.

GingerBeverage · 08/07/2025 12:03

Wasn't there another thread like this recently?

lalalalalady · 08/07/2025 12:11

Ha yeah he knew what he was doing not mentioning this. Omission is lying!

Gemmawemma9 · 08/07/2025 12:13

The fact she mentioned it so casually makes her inclined to think there was nothing in it for her and it was innocent.
Hiwever, maybe your husband fancies her and had other ideas? And that’s she he hasn’t mentioned it. I do think it’s strange that he kept quiet.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/07/2025 12:15

He didn't tell you because it wasn't innocent for him.

EternalLodga · 08/07/2025 12:18

Night cap, fine.
Not telling you, not fine.

HolyPond · 08/07/2025 12:18

Could be because he was and is attracted to her, could be because he was embarrassed he had no judgement when drunk and went to a virtual stranger’s house for a nightcap, something he’d never have considered when in his senses. I mean, we’ve all done things when drunk that we’re mortified by the next day.

On the other hand, if she lives nearby, common sense would suggest you’re bound to run into her at any point, so a bit stupid not to have said ‘God, I was so out of it I went into Helen’s house for a drink at 3 am.’

hellswelshy · 08/07/2025 12:23

I'm pretty I'd be annoyed about this tbh OP. It's just not something you should do. If you were friends that would be OK of course but if you barely know her? No, if dh did this I'd be asking more questions personally. How long was he there?

LaughingCat · 08/07/2025 12:38

This 👆 It’s all on the context - if you asked him what he got up to and he lied, then fessed up that’s out of order. If not, it probably didn’t even register with him. I’ve been there loads of times when I’m quite merry but the night’s over - I would walk into Charlie Manson’s gaff if he offered me a Jack, just to keep it all going a bit longer. But I have verbal diarrhoea and would have bored my other half to death the next day with a blow by blow account of the evening, including going to said neighbour’s house. Has he ever given you cause for concern or doubt? That’s the only real question and not one that can be answered by a bunch of forumites online with no knowledge of your relationship or the context.