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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL on family holiday

47 replies

Bus2 · 07/07/2025 23:13

Feeling a bit torn and need some advice. My pil are very lovely but mil can be a bit full on sometimes. We now see them every weekend since having dc and have had them "come down for the day" once while we were away on holiday. I am now on mat leave and planning our first holiday since baby arrived and would honestly rather not have them "come for the day".
I feel guilty because they are very generous with us (support, money etc) but i really want us to just go away as a family and not have to entertain anyone.
The weekly visits are starting to feel like a chore and i don't know how to cut them down without hurting anyone's feelings or seeming ungrateful. Aibu?

OP posts:
sleepandcoffee · 08/07/2025 03:31

Best to put a boundary in place sooner than later , theres nothing wrong with you wanting to have your own family holiday !
its a conversation for your husband to have with his own parents though , I would also be stopping the every weekend visits if it doesn’t work for your family or it will become a forever fixture .
personally im a big believer in not taking financial aid from people as they tend to think you owe them but many would disagree with me.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 08/07/2025 04:45

I’d change the catch ups so that your DH takes DC once a week/ once a fortnight and you have time to yourself. Therefore it’s win win PIL still see DC and you get some down time.

then once a month/ once every two months you can join.

Orchidflower1 · 08/07/2025 05:23

When are you seeing your parents?

Steelworks · 08/07/2025 05:36

Start having other plans at weekends.

LilacWineIsSweetAndHeady · 08/07/2025 05:58

I feel guilty because they are very generous with us (support, money etc) but i really want us to just go away as a family and not have to entertain anyone.
The weekly visits are starting to feel like a chore

So you are happy to take their support and money as long as they leave you alone until you need them again?
It sounds like they only want to visit for one day of the holiday, personally I would suck it up.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 08/07/2025 06:01

The important thing is what does your DH say about it? Things will be easier if he agrees with you and he can speak to his parents to set boundaries, and unfortunately it will be harder if he doesn't or worse if he is unwilling or unable to to stand up to his parents especially since you receive financially support from them.

Depending on how much financial support you receive from them and how critical it is to you, you may have to be prepared to lose that support when you set boundaries or accept it as what it is in exchange for the financial support.

Having said that, the earlier you start setting boundaries the better eg maybe start with visiting every other week instead of weekly or your DH can take the kids weekly while you join every other week.

Unfortunately money usually comes with strings attached.

Zanatdy · 08/07/2025 06:03

Difficult if you are taking financial help from them to say I don’t want you coming to see us when we are on holiday. That’s why I wouldn’t accept financial help from family as it makes it difficult to dial back on visits etc. Can’t you holiday somewhere that they can’t visit for the day? I guess none of you have made it clear you’d rather not have them visit on holiday? Perhaps say you’ve got a packed itinerary. It will be difficult no doubt when you’re accepting a lot of help from them.

Original poster
Bus2 · 08/07/2025 08:16

Thank you all for your kind responses. Just to clarify, DH and i both work and can comfortably support our household. By financial support, i mean PIL will occasionally transfer big sums for DC's ISA. It makes sense that they would want to see them but surely weekly or on our family holiday is a bit much. Should we stop accepting it? Thanks.

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 08/07/2025 08:18

“We’d love to have a holiday all together in the future, as your relationship with dc means so much to us, but this time the three of us are going to make the most of us having time off work and being able to spend some quality time together.”

sleepandcoffee · 08/07/2025 08:20

I think thats fine to accept and still be able to say no to weekly visits , them putting money into your childrens savings is entirely up to them .

Lessbest · 08/07/2025 08:21

What are the arrangements with your parents?

DeniseSecunda1 · 08/07/2025 08:22

People providing financial gifts of their own accord does not mean they own you, control you, or determine how you spend your time. Yes, you can accept their gifts and still have your own feelings, desires, and needs. Have your husband tell them that this holiday will be private.

Tortielady · 08/07/2025 09:16

In general, giving someone gifts, including money, doesn't/shouldn't imply you own them or their time. In your case @Bus2 the gift is a couple of degrees removed from you. It's your child's money, not yours and it's not immediately available anyway, as it's tied up in an ISA. Gifts to children don't come with strings for parents or at least they shouldn't. Also, and just as importantly, if you see your PiLs every weekend, when do you do your shopping, home admin, or see your family members? How will the weekly fixture with your PiL work once your maternity leave ends? Managing other people's expectations is a process and it would be helpful to everyone involved to start it sooner rather than later.

Stilllifes · 08/07/2025 09:19

DeniseSecunda1 · 08/07/2025 08:22

People providing financial gifts of their own accord does not mean they own you, control you, or determine how you spend your time. Yes, you can accept their gifts and still have your own feelings, desires, and needs. Have your husband tell them that this holiday will be private.

This.
If they think giving you money means they do, then stop it.

Tell your partner to sort it.
Every weekend is too much too.

Roomwithaview2019 · 08/07/2025 10:01

sleepandcoffee · 08/07/2025 03:31

Best to put a boundary in place sooner than later , theres nothing wrong with you wanting to have your own family holiday !
its a conversation for your husband to have with his own parents though , I would also be stopping the every weekend visits if it doesn’t work for your family or it will become a forever fixture .
personally im a big believer in not taking financial aid from people as they tend to think you owe them but many would disagree with me.

personally im a big believer in not taking financial aid from people as they tend to think you owe them
This!!!!

5foot5 · 08/07/2025 10:05

I have voted YABU because if it is just one day out of the whole holiday that doesn't sound to me like a huge ask. I thought you were going to say they tried to muscle in on the whole holiday.

Seeing them every weekend sounds quite frequent but are we talking about a full weekend, a full day at the weekend or just a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon? If the latter then that doesn't sound too bad, especially if you can occasionally say "Oh do you mind if we skip this Saturday as we have got something planned."

I freely admit we didn't with this frequency with either sets of parents because we lived too far away, but that did mean when we saw them it had to be for longer stays, at least a weekend. And we did go on family holidays with them and it was fine.

MageQueen · 08/07/2025 10:05

I suspect that they have ag ood relationship with your DH, and are close, and you have a good relationship with them too. And so this has sort of slipped into being the norm. Changing it could be a bit tricky, but I wouldn't have thought it's impossible.

For a start, on the holiday - just plan a trip a bit further away surely? Then they can't pop for a day? Or say (or your DH say), "we're really looking forward to our first holiday just the three of us. We'llbring lots of pictures to show you when we're back".

As for weekends, you should only be doing that if it's convenient for all. Do they discuss these visits, or just turn up? Either way, be proactive, "PIL, this weekend, we're going to be doing x or y so we won't be around. Do you want to come over for lunch next Sunday?"

Also, assuming your DH IS close, there's an opportunity here for you. My DH regularly took the DC when they were smaller to visit MIL for a few hous so I had a bit of a break. It was great. Everyone was happy.

Coffeeishot · 08/07/2025 10:08

When do you see your parents ? You seem to think your inlaws are a bother which is fine if you don't want to see them so often, I don't actually think there is anything wrong with "coming for the day" but you don't want it just say you will be busy,also put visits to every other week it is fine to be busy, what does your husband think?

BIossomtoes · 08/07/2025 10:11

It’s one day. They’re not planning to spend the entire holiday with you.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 08/07/2025 10:13

Your dc aren't pay per view.. Paying into their accounts doesn't mean they own your dc.
Surely you need some time at home with your dc just 'living' at the weekend?
You are paving the way for your own marriage and family life to frankly be shit...

Coffeeishot · 08/07/2025 10:17

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 08/07/2025 10:13

Your dc aren't pay per view.. Paying into their accounts doesn't mean they own your dc.
Surely you need some time at home with your dc just 'living' at the weekend?
You are paving the way for your own marriage and family life to frankly be shit...

I don't think the grandparents think this, they have fallen into seeing their grandchildren regularly which the op and her husband have facilitated. The op.added the money aspect to try and rally support.

bellamorgan · 08/07/2025 10:20

Start making plans so the weekly visit isn’t the same day then isn’t maybe even every week.

One day pop in on holiday make it the first day if you know they will leave otherwise the last.

Coming for the whole week? Hell no.

alongtimeagoandfaraway · 08/07/2025 10:21

Surely the weekly visits will drop back naturally once you return to work? I’ve been seeing my daughter pretty much weekly since her baby was born but know that she will need her time off work for other things once she goes back.

Notonthestairs · 08/07/2025 10:21

I wouldn’t view paying into child’s ISA as a gift for me or financial aid.

I would assume it’s for the child’s future and something that’s between the grandparents and (eventually) the young adult.

No, we didn’t see either set of grandparents weekly - as far as I can tell the relationship didn’t suffer as a result.

angelinawasrobbed · 08/07/2025 10:24

It will be easier to cut down weekend visits without giving offence when you go back to work - it will be your only family/admin/ etc time