Page 5 | Dh says he has no feelings

Rabbitsockpeony · 07/07/2025 14:45

HangryLikeTheHulk · 07/07/2025 11:59

He’s terrified by what you said, and is rejecting the entire notion of her no longer being there, covering that by denying his emotions and his hypothetical emotional response to such a tragedy.

You hope…

SunnySideUK77 · 07/07/2025 14:49

I definitely do have feelings but went through a period where I felt like I didn’t and was numb. I think I was in freeze mode for a variety of reasons. I’d suggest he needs counselling to go backwards into his past and address things.

TannieJem · 07/07/2025 14:54

In my opinion imagining your daughter dying is more weird and creepy than his response! He could be neurodivergent, dealing with trauma or a sociopath - there’s a reason for what he said but you talking about your daughter like that - so so strange.

TorroFerney · 07/07/2025 14:57

mumonthehill · 07/07/2025 12:43

I think he is coming from a place of trauma. If loving people, or feeling complicated love from people has caused him to shut these emotions off to protect himself then unlocking them for others like his own children who he does love is incredibly difficult. It is easier to simply tell himself that he would not care, this is why when something does happen it will be incredibly hard for him to process as he as either not allowed himself to feel theses things or feeling them comes with so much pain.

Agree. I had a horrendously enmeshed and parentified childhood. Until recently I was adamant that I just didn’t get angry it just wasn’t something I had in me.

ive More recently realised that’s because I was not allowed that emotion, being angry was for my parents not for me. Reinforced by at age two me nearly having a tantrum which was stopped in its tracks by a swift crack across the legs. And for years after my proud parents talking about how well behaved I was down to this stellar parenting.

Modernme · 07/07/2025 15:03

I dont have feelings like other do either.

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/07/2025 15:05

Jacobs4 · 07/07/2025 12:16

Cutting off his mother is a bad sign. You say he has erased her from his mind. That kind of compartmentalising is a sign of sociopathy. He could do the same to you. Or his daughter.

People on here cut off their parents very easily.

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/07/2025 15:07

Do you feel his love for you is genuine or do you think he copies your emotions?

Kerrylass · 07/07/2025 15:12

Has your husband suffered a trauma, or he may have PTSD from his childhood. I know that sounds dramatic and over the top but detaching is a coping mechanism.

I had a difficult childhood and i can identify with your DH.

When my DF died i felt shock (he died suddenly at 58) but predominately relief. When My MIL died, i felt same - she was also difficult narcissistic person. I sometimes feel like i dont have feelings , literally the only people in the world that i cant imagine living without are my kids. I cant imagine the pain of losing them. My mum died last year and yes i was sad, i loved her and she was a good person. But i have friends who are grieving parents and they seem to be in despair and sadness, crying. I on the other hand dont think i cried since the funeral.

TheGoddessFrigg · 07/07/2025 15:18

MyLittleNest · 07/07/2025 13:03

He sounds a lot like my DH, whom I have often "joked" is a sociopath. That being said, I have seen DH break down at appropriate times, like after the death of a pet, however in the days leading up to it, the emotion was all me and I felt very alone. My DH rarely shows emotion unless it is anger, yep.

DH is very affectionate to DC but not to me, and never has been. He has always had his walls up, can never show any vulnerability with me. I often feel like I live with a stranger. Has no close friends and never did, though I guess often male friendships are a bit different. Everyone in my life likes him but finds conversation with him to never reach beyond surface level, no matter how long they have known him.

DH seems to wear his coldness like a badge of honor, sort of like your husband's proclamation. Honestly, I don't think any of it is true, but rather that for whatever reason, he perceives people who feel emotion deeper as being weak. My DH always has childhood issues, not the same, but parental neglect issues.

It's very hard to live with someone like this.

For what it's worth, I think your DH would absolutely feel a lot of emotion if God forbid something happened to DD. I just have to wonder how much of this wall he has up is a defense mechanism of some kind. If it is, don't expect to break through it, though.

Im sorry but I have to ask... why did you marry someone like this? How do you stay married to him?

Luckyingame · 07/07/2025 15:30

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/07/2025 15:05

People on here cut off their parents very easily.

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Some "parents" absolutely deserve to burn in hell, not just to be cut off.

Boomer55 · 07/07/2025 15:32

littlecubs · 07/07/2025 11:41

Dd went to a sleepover at the weekend for the first time and I was chatting to Dh and said how quiet it was without her. I looked at her empty seat at dinner and her empty space on the sofa in the evening and said I couldn’t bare it if anything happened to her and I was left seeing the empty space.

Dh said, see I don’t know how I’d feel, I probably wouldn’t feel anything and I definitely wouldn’t break down in tears like I know you would. I just don’t think I’d feel anything.
I questioned this and he said he just doesn’t have any feelings and never has about anything ever even as a child and that the only emotion he’s ever felt is anger in fact he said he feels all emotions as anger.

He admitted he would feel the same if his parents died or best friend and said he’d acknowledge it was sad but wouldn’t feel anything else but he knows he loves us.
I don’t know what to think, is he just emotionally disconnected?

It sounds a weird conversation to be honest.

ginasevern · 07/07/2025 15:35

Sorry, but this whole thing is weird. Firstly the OP imagining her daughter dying - pretty OTT for one night away. But moreover after 14 years of marriage and a child together, I can't believe that the husband's personality has come as a total shock. He hasn't just suddenly announced an affair, he's talking about his core make up and everything that makes him tick. If the only emotion he can feel is anger (which is extremely unlikely for any human being) then at least some of that would've been evident over 14 years.

notatinydancer · 07/07/2025 15:41

littlecubs · 07/07/2025 11:48

We’ve been together 14 years and he’s very much a loving family man, loyal and caring so this came out of the blue.

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Those things he said about people dying directly contradict this. What was he like when she was born ?

Nocookiesforme · 07/07/2025 15:44

My first thought was that it's classic alexithymia.
I have it and am also ND but I have brought up 3 kids in a loving environment and have a very long term partner - no one would guess that I suffer from alexithymia at all. Inside I actually feel very little by way of emotions but no one would doubt that I love my family and I do love them - I just don't know what love actually feels like when compared to other people. When my dad died I felt nothing at all but that doesn't mean that I didn't love him - I just didn't feel overwhelming grief. Anger is actually the easiest emotion to feel and that is what I sometimes feel but I always describe my emotional brain as living in neutral gear. I'm used to it and it doesn't bother me now.

I was unsurprised that your DP has a very poor matriarchal relationship @littlecubs
Although officially the cause of alexithymia is unknown I have spoken to several psychiatrists who believe that it's caused by a lack of emotional care at an age of between 6-18 months which is when the brain grows fastest and develops emotional connection synapses. If a mother (and yes, it is mostly caused by mothers in my psychiatrist's experience) can not provide a baby with adequate emotional support or a baby is emotionally neglected then the synapses do not form correctly and alexithymia can be the result.
If your partner is active loving parent and partner then I wouldn't worry about what he said but should the worst ever happen then don't be surprised if he doesn't grieve the same way as you or others do - he would hurt but he just can't feel it or articulate. In my experience I know that I am happy/content with life but I just can't actually tell you what that happiness feels like because I just don't know.

TheBerry · 07/07/2025 18:41

yakkity · 07/07/2025 12:53

It sounds nothing like ‘full blown psychopathy/sociopathy’

jeez. A little knowledge can indeed be a dangerous thing.

everything about this man as described by the OP points to anything but those disorders. It sounds much more like alexithymia as others have suggested or even perhaps anhedonia but his behaviours lean way more towards the former.

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lol sorry

yakkity · 08/07/2025 15:27

Nocookiesforme · 07/07/2025 15:44

My first thought was that it's classic alexithymia.
I have it and am also ND but I have brought up 3 kids in a loving environment and have a very long term partner - no one would guess that I suffer from alexithymia at all. Inside I actually feel very little by way of emotions but no one would doubt that I love my family and I do love them - I just don't know what love actually feels like when compared to other people. When my dad died I felt nothing at all but that doesn't mean that I didn't love him - I just didn't feel overwhelming grief. Anger is actually the easiest emotion to feel and that is what I sometimes feel but I always describe my emotional brain as living in neutral gear. I'm used to it and it doesn't bother me now.

I was unsurprised that your DP has a very poor matriarchal relationship @littlecubs
Although officially the cause of alexithymia is unknown I have spoken to several psychiatrists who believe that it's caused by a lack of emotional care at an age of between 6-18 months which is when the brain grows fastest and develops emotional connection synapses. If a mother (and yes, it is mostly caused by mothers in my psychiatrist's experience) can not provide a baby with adequate emotional support or a baby is emotionally neglected then the synapses do not form correctly and alexithymia can be the result.
If your partner is active loving parent and partner then I wouldn't worry about what he said but should the worst ever happen then don't be surprised if he doesn't grieve the same way as you or others do - he would hurt but he just can't feel it or articulate. In my experience I know that I am happy/content with life but I just can't actually tell you what that happiness feels like because I just don't know.

I find this so interesting. Are you able to describe what goes on inside you when say your father died. You say you felt no grief. Did you experience anything or was it literally just another day. Do you have moments where you remember him. Are they just factual memories or are there any nuances to what you feel when remembering him?

you brought your dc up in a loving way. But you don’t feel love for them. But presumably you feel something different for them than you do for all the other dc at their school. And presumably it’s not just ‘responsibility’. What do you experience around them? When they hug you or maybe you a card or when they are upset? Do you experience anything internal that is different from the experience you have when cooking supper?

im assuming you do experience something as otherwise you wouldn’t describe it as loving.

is it that you can’t describe the feelings or that there are no feelings?

anytipswelcome · 08/07/2025 16:26

yakkity · 08/07/2025 15:27

I find this so interesting. Are you able to describe what goes on inside you when say your father died. You say you felt no grief. Did you experience anything or was it literally just another day. Do you have moments where you remember him. Are they just factual memories or are there any nuances to what you feel when remembering him?

you brought your dc up in a loving way. But you don’t feel love for them. But presumably you feel something different for them than you do for all the other dc at their school. And presumably it’s not just ‘responsibility’. What do you experience around them? When they hug you or maybe you a card or when they are upset? Do you experience anything internal that is different from the experience you have when cooking supper?

im assuming you do experience something as otherwise you wouldn’t describe it as loving.

is it that you can’t describe the feelings or that there are no feelings?

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That poster says she does love her children, but that she just doesn’t know what love feels like for other people.

Swiftie1878 · 08/07/2025 16:54

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 07/07/2025 12:23

Not to diagnose him, but there’s a condition common in some neurodivergent people called alexithymia - it’s an inability to recognise, understand and describe their own emotions. My DD and my DH both have it. They feel things very deeply, but cannot begin to explain how or what it is they are feeling, and get very frustrated if pushed to.

Might be worth looking into that before deciding he’s a sociopath!

That’s not what he’s saying though. He’s not saying I don’t know how I’d feel. He’s saying I’d feel nothing.

yakkity · 09/07/2025 19:20

Swiftie1878 · 08/07/2025 16:54

That’s not what he’s saying though. He’s not saying I don’t know how I’d feel. He’s saying I’d feel nothing.

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That IS alexithymia. It’s not just not having the words for it. It’s not experiencing it in the way you or I would. It’s such a complex thing. I’d really love someone with it to really describe what they experience as they DO experience something but it’s not emotions in the way you or I would experiment them. But they know they love their family. Not just intellectually. They KNOW they love their family. But they don’t feel anything. It’s most perplexing for a person without it to get their head around. I know someone who loves their wife completely. But they at the same time never miss them or feel emotions with any great intensity. But they are totally committed to and love their wife. It’s a head fuck