Dh says he has no feelings

[littlecubs]

Dd went to a sleepover at the weekend for the first time and I was chatting to Dh and said how quiet it was without her. I looked at her empty seat at dinner and her empty space on the sofa in the evening and said I couldn’t bare it if anything happened to her and I was left seeing the empty space.

Dh said, see I don’t know how I’d feel, I probably wouldn’t feel anything and I definitely wouldn’t break down in tears like I know you would. I just don’t think I’d feel anything.
I questioned this and he said he just doesn’t have any feelings and never has about anything ever even as a child and that the only emotion he’s ever felt is anger in fact he said he feels all emotions as anger.

He admitted he would feel the same if his parents died or best friend and said he’d acknowledge it was sad but wouldn’t feel anything else but he knows he loves us.
I don’t know what to think, is he just emotionally disconnected?

This. It was a really weird thing to come out with (looking at your daughter's empty seat and imagining her not coming home?!) so he probably didn't know what to say!

Is he depressed? That’s really cold oh him and hope he never repeats it you your dd

He's said he wouldn't be bothered if your daughter died.

That's more than enough for me, whatever the reason.

He needs to go.

He may think that but it's highly unlikely it would be the case if something bad did actually happen.

Maybe he hasn't ever experienced anything terrible in life so he doesn't understand. Or it's denial that a bad thing could happen to him or someone he loves i.e. he is afraid to think that a bad thing could happen.

I think it all sounds immature.

Maybe your husband can't relate to hypothetical feelings.
For many of us we can, and we know some scenarios are horrendous without experiencing them.
My partner and I do not discuss our DC's hypothetical death however.

My DH has no ‘emotional imagination’ - he literally cannot imagine what something would feel like until it actually happens and he experiences it. We’ve lost some immediate family this year and the grief has completely taken him sideways in a way he never expected.

Well, he is either lying when he says he loves you or lying when he says he wouldn't feel anything if his child died! He is saying he doesn't feel emotions but love is an emotion..

Exactly this. What a stupid conversation topic.

Is there a reason you start this sort of conversation? You want to get a reaction out of him or pick a fight?

Its called alexithymia and is incredibly common in Autistics/ADHDers, my Autistic teenager is the same. Erases everything they dont want to remember and can only identify anger.

Wow. You don’t understand much in life do you

It’s a bit weird but maybe if it actually happened, I’m sure he would feel something then (possibly!). Maybe he can’t imagine it. Is he generally an unfeeling robot in day to day life?

In comparison, DH had the nervous runs this morning because DD16 is going on her first trip with no adult supervision to somewhere 150 miles away 🤣 I have a knot in my chest too. We will cope I’m sure!

Also people with Alexithymia do feel emotion they just cant tell you what emotion they are feeling. Anger is easy for them because its big and powerful so almost all Alexithymic people will tell you what anger is but ask your partner how hes feeling when it's not a straight forward guess answer (happy or angry) he won't be able to tell you.

Hes not a pyscho or sociopath, hes probably Autistic.

As a parent to even contemplate the loss of a child at any stage of their life is painful. Just allowing that thought in for a few moments as so many of us do when we read about the death of a child is difficult. Surely it is one of the worst things that can happen.

What he said would really trouble me, it feels so cold and almost sinister. One of my close family members has just lost one of their young adult children and to say that they are destroyed is an understatement. I am not including details as that would be outing. The pain that the mum is going through is incomprehensible. I am deeply distressed, it is the worst thing my family has ever been through and we negotiate each day filled with grief, disbelief and pain. To say we are dreading that empty chair at Christmas is an understatement.

Has he ever experienced a loss OP? Is it possible he just doesn’t realise how horrifically painful it really is?

Some really interesting comments so far.

I have an interest in psychopaths (I probably should have trained in some sort of criminal psychology) as it fascinates me to understand them a bit. Psychopaths don’t really feel anything much. That doesn’t mean they are all horrible evil people (like in films) - they often are great in really dangerous situations / jobs because they are unflappable. They often say that they just don’t feel much at all but they do understand that others like to be told they are loved and that they should demonstrate physical affection. It feels a bit performative to them, rather than instinctive or comforting. They do feel extreme emotion such an anger or very intense fear which is where reckless behaviour can start as they chase the thrill of feeling something. It might be that as he can’t picture it, he can’t imagine feeling it. Could he have that trait?

My BIL says he’s ’emotionally dead’, hates hugs, hates affection, never shows any feelings. He does feel things but he represses it like his father. So that’s a very different scenario to not feeling it.

Dysfunctional upbringings can make a child’s emotional development stall (or not develop at all). Sounds like this could be the case.

His being a ‘good’ husband and father doesn’t necessarily mean it’s come from a place of love but more something that needs to be done in order to have a smooth running family life. Could be a sociopath or psychopath.

This sounds like my DD1 (16). She’s adopted, so has been through trauma and is currently being assessed to see whether she’s ND. She’s recently been diagnosed with epilepsy as well.

She says she never feels anything, although she will express anger! She showed no emotion when her godfather passed away 3 years ago. And when a pupil in her year died recently, she couldn’t understand why others in her year, and teachers, were so upset. I explained that I was sad to simply hear that a young person had died, and felt for her poor family. She really didn’t get it; all she said was that the girl hadn’t been a friend so she didn’t care.

I was quite disturbed by her coldness, despite knowing that she never did have empathy.

I think this is most likely too.

I'm sorry but it's absolutely creepy to say that he wouldn't feel anything if his own daughter passed away.

I would look into other sociopath traits?

I wouldn't let it go, I'd ask him to explain with details.

If he has no feelings for his own daughter, I very much doubt he actually loves you.

Look up alexithymia - this is common in autism. Is your DH autistic?

If he has locked away thoughts about his mum and his past then they are probably causing this constant anger he feels. He needs to get some trauma therapy to help him process his past or one day the anger will bubble over out and you and your DD will be the recipients.

So either he's a total sociopath who has sucked you in and conned you into a relationship.

Or he's just a very confusd man with very little imagination. You say he tells you he loves you. He shows you that he loves you. But now he's saying he doesn't care? I don't believe that. Has he ever actually lost someone he loves?

Also, I have to question your point that he only feels anger? Does this mean that, if for exxample, you have an argument and he does something to upset or hurt you, he is just ANGRY that you have dared to question him and never actually feels anything like remorse for what he's done? In which case, then I'm back to thinking he really is a sociopath, and probably controlling too.

i loved my dog, but i honestly believed that when she died, i'd be a bit sad for a day or two and then I'd get over it. I find being a dog owner quite hard work and very restrictive and there was a bit sense of duty.

Turns out I was 100% wrong. I was absolutely devastated and was upset for a long time.

I was taught to repress and not show my feelings, so now I find sharing my (deeper) feelings with others an uncomfortable thing to do. So I hide my feelings from others. If I need to cry or process emotions, I do it alone. I would shut down your conversation about a hypothetical death of a child because I wouldn’t want to spend time imagining how I would feel, nor have to hold the weight of your hypothetical feelings either.

Weirdly, I work with children, and I have so much space for talking to them about their feelings and helping them to develop good emotional literacy….so I do know what it should look like and I know what people want to hear, but when it comes to personal feelings, I’d rather shut down and let them think I’m emotionless. Maybe your DH is like me?

He might have alexithymia.

I feel this too...almost like he feels like he's being challenged or forced to prove how sad he would be if his child died? Like, why would you bring that up in a discussion, and talk about your child dying when it should be a happy time of them being on their first sleepover and you having a night alone?

I would be pissed off if my partner used a happy milestone to ask how I would feel in case of death or tragedy. What is that supposed to achieve?