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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think she should be doing more?

26 replies

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 09:00

So daughter is almost 23. She’s going into final year uni degree. She’s living at home. Pays nothing towards the house. She does her own washing and empties dishwasher if asked.

we helped her buy a car pay insurance etc and she comes and goes as she pleases. She has a
part time job so apart from paying her car repayments we don’t give her money. (She gets all food provided)

Recently she has started to take it all for granted. She makes no attempt to tidy or do any housework unless specifically asked. If I ask her to mind the dogs because she is in the house anyway (there’s not much minding other than to let them
out regularly) she will invent something she has to do which means I can’t rely on her.

she sits in her room all night and doesn’t even eat with us anymore.

I really don’t mind her living here it’s her home. But she isn’t contributing to the family.

I know if I talk to her she will say she does help. But it’s all on her terms, when suits her etc etc and often will be done with attitude. My husband works away during the week and when he’s home he does things like the bins garden etc. she seems to think because he doesn’t do anything in the house that she shouldn’t. Forgetting of course he pays for everything. Including her food board and car!

am I being unreasonable here? Should I not be expecting her to help?

OP posts:
Mushybut · 07/07/2025 09:06

She should be doing more

but I suspect this hasn’t just come out of nowhere and there’s a long and depressing history between you and your daughter

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 09:09

No not really. We have a fairly
normal mother daughter relationship. I think anyway.

OP posts:
AbzMoz · 07/07/2025 09:19

Why are you ‘helping’ her to this extent? She’s not learning about budgets and household management and the real world, is she? Why isn’t she in a house share? I think tbh you prescribing chores to her is still somewhat babying her.

I think as it is her final year at uni, the ship has already sailed on changing this model while she is a student… you absolutely need a candid conversation around expectations upon graduation and what happens next.

Mushybut · 07/07/2025 09:19

Normal? Not many daughters would tell their mother that they’ve signed up looking for a third person to join sex with her boyfriend!!

New2you · 07/07/2025 09:24

I sounds to me like a typical teen/young adult. While she’s in education I think it’s fair, when she’s left she should in my view start paying towards the house.

DaisyChain505 · 07/07/2025 09:26

You need to sit her down and remind her how lucky she is to still be living at home rent free and the only thing you ask of her is to be a contributing member of the household with regards to its daily upkeep.

If she’d prefer not to contribute with the hands on labour she can pay you money for a cleaner instead. Her choice.

DonnaBanana · 07/07/2025 09:28

She’s not going to finish university till she’s 24? If she’s doing a Masters then she should be smart enough for you to sit down and have a chat with her about these issues. If she’s still doing a Bachelors then I’m guessing she picked up the habit of dossing for a couple of years earlier on and you made a rod for your own back

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 09:28

@DaisyChain505Thank
you, that’s the kind of help I’m looking for here. I appreciate you.

OP posts:
notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 09:29

@Mushybutwell I didn’t ask for that information in fairness. She can come to me and talk to me about anything. She knows I’m a safe space for that. I’m not going to apologise for that.

OP posts:
ssd · 07/07/2025 09:34

@Mushybut what are you on about?

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 09:37

@ssdshes been sleuthing my previous posts to get some juicy insight to fling at me.

OP posts:
Brokenclavicle653 · 07/07/2025 09:48

I think it’s a bit late now op but you could try talking to her again, repeating especially what you said about her dad and finances. In fact both of you should sit down with her and give her specific times to look after the dog and explain that you have to be able to rely on her during those hours.

Bluntly, if she is not willing to pitch in, then she needs to pay rent either to you, or to a landlord. Why are you letting her get away with paying nothing? What is that teaching her?

And maybe add a night a week when she shops and cooks a meal and tidies it up if she doesn’t do that already?

You have to come to an agreement about her eating with you or not. If she is eating food that you have cooked and prepared then it needs to be at least twice a week minimum I think. If she wants to eat alone then fine but then she shops, cooks and clears up after herself.

I would also turn the conversation to the future and explain that you understand her need for privacy and independence but living in a shared space with other adults comes with responsibilities too.

If she is not willing to pitch in further, then this arrangement needs to be looked at again? I have a hunch she has taken what you said about it being her home too, and you not minding her being there, and has taken that as permission to behave in any way she likes. It’s really entitled behaviour. For this reason, I would discuss whether she has plans to move out after she finishes her degree?

Tbh op, I think it will be much better for her if she does move out, if the housing situation permits. I don’t think these periods of extended adolescence living at home do a young person any good at all. It doesn’t teach them anything except comfort and being molly-coddled. It inhibits their independence.

Now is the time for her to learn about living with others (who see her objectively and do not love her like you do) who expect her to take turns to clean the kitchen and bathroom; she needs to get the corners knocked off! She needs to learn about the real world and struggle with finances and crappy landlords. This is good preparation for life! Who says a young person’s life should be full of comfort?

And it doesn’t always work well for the parents either, as you are discovering. By all means let the transition be a gradual process. Let her finish her degree living at home. But re-assess the situation after that and while letting her know that you love her very bones, also let her know that you love her too much to let her behave in this entitled way and get further entrenched in to bad habits.

Edited to say: My two DDs have become much more appreciative of home comforts and much more appreciative of everything me and my dh do for them, since they have moved out, as they suddenly realise that it’s not so easy managing a household without making an effort.

At the very least op; can you both take a break from one another this summer?

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 09:55

@Brokenclavicle653thank you. I agree. It hasn’t done her any favours. I’ve turned her
onto someone who wants to be treated as an adult but doesn’t really want to contribute as one unless it’s on her terms. Thank you.

OP posts:
Brokenclavicle653 · 07/07/2025 09:58

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 09:55

@Brokenclavicle653thank you. I agree. It hasn’t done her any favours. I’ve turned her
onto someone who wants to be treated as an adult but doesn’t really want to contribute as one unless it’s on her terms. Thank you.

See my edit to my post op! You are not alone in this by any means. It’s a learning process for both sides of the equation, And also the current housing situation and CoL has contributed to this situation, so don’t be too hard on yourself. 💐

4forksache · 07/07/2025 10:05

It’s really hard changing from a parent/child dynamic to all adults living together dynamic.

They do need to move out really. it’s the natural order of things, but unfortunately the Col crisis means that your situation is becoming all the more common.

Sit her down and have a frank conversation.

flowersandfoil · 07/07/2025 10:11

I don’t think you’ll be that alone in this situation. I think this will be a fairly common issue which this age group.

if she’s at uni I assume she’s on summer holidays already? This is the perfect time to raise it - she has a whole summer free and she can now pick up some of the slack. If she doesn’t then you can move towards cutting some of the funding towards her…stop paying car insurance for example

Enigma53 · 07/07/2025 10:18

Mushybut · 07/07/2025 09:19

Normal? Not many daughters would tell their mother that they’ve signed up looking for a third person to join sex with her boyfriend!!

Eh??

Cornflakes44 · 07/07/2025 14:54

Do you work? I only ask that as if she sees her dad not contributing to the household (bins and garden at weekends does sound he’s not doing much) then she, like him, thinks the house is your job, especially if you’re at home. There might some entrenched values being passed on about the roles of mothers. Do you have other children? Do they do chores? What’s the genders? If she also sees younger boys not doing anything then that’s also going to reinforce that message. I’m making a lot of assumptions about your life here I realise, just wondering if there was more to it than her just being lazy.

Blurrywateryeye · 07/07/2025 15:01

What exactly do you want her to do and what are the consequences if she doesn’t do them? You chucking her out?

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 17:46

Yes she has younger siblings who during school holidays do more than she does. I am a sahm. Maybe she sees it as my job but the other kids are boys and they do more to help than her.

I guess I need to lay out what I want her to do and think about what happens if she doesn’t do it.

OP posts:
Rumblerum · 07/07/2025 19:46

Is she in a relationship?

she sounds… unhappy.

Id be very worried and sad if my 23 year old dd was spending her life in her room and even eating all her meals in there

DaisyChain505 · 07/07/2025 20:34

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 17:46

Yes she has younger siblings who during school holidays do more than she does. I am a sahm. Maybe she sees it as my job but the other kids are boys and they do more to help than her.

I guess I need to lay out what I want her to do and think about what happens if she doesn’t do it.

All the children no matter their age should be being taught to contribute to the running of the house.

Younger children should be told to carry their dishes to the kitchen after meal times, tidying up, making their bed etc.

Mid aged children can hoover, put washing away, water plants etc.

Older kids can wash up, take out the bins, put washing on.

If you start it when they’re young it just becomes habit and a normal part of life.

CleverButScatty · 07/07/2025 23:35

notsochattysue · 07/07/2025 17:46

Yes she has younger siblings who during school holidays do more than she does. I am a sahm. Maybe she sees it as my job but the other kids are boys and they do more to help than her.

I guess I need to lay out what I want her to do and think about what happens if she doesn’t do it.

You're a SAHM, whilst she isn't uni AND has a part time job. I honestly think you're being a bit ridiculous.

3max · 09/07/2025 07:53

She sounds very unhappy and lonely and bored to me
i would be worried more than anything if this was my 23 year old daughter

notsochattysue · 09/07/2025 12:00

@CleverButScattyin what way ridiculous?

OP posts:
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