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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel creeped out by ex husband’s behaviour?

29 replies

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 07:19

I got my divorce through a few weeks ago. I have been separated from him since the end of 2023 and moved out of the home I. February 2024. We have an 8 yo DS.

My ex was very emotionally abusive, such as screaming in my face, gaslighting me, manipulating me and doing some odd things and blaming me for his behaviour. It’s nice to be out of that narcissistic relationship. The final straw was when we had an argument and he pushed me into a door. My ex mil of course took his side and thought I’d gone crazy to want a divorce. For a long time I had blocked his number and only communicated on a parenting app. The only communication I have with him is to make arrangements for DS. He stays with my Ex H 2 nights a week and every other Sunday. Anyways when I left him, he said he couldn’t believe I was doing this to our son and that I was taking my family away from him. We used to go around to my parents for a Sunday roast etc. I have a new BF now and things are going very well,

it was his weekend to have DS and it was my nephews birthday. My sister had arranged a bbq with their friends and my family. DS knew about the bbq as he saw his cousins a few days before and said he wanted to go. I contacted ex H to say about the bbq and that DS wanted to go. Ex h said he wanted to go and he would take DS, but what I meant was that he would drop DS off there and collect him after a few hours, as I thought he might feel awkward about this. Anyways he went along and then messaged on the WhatsApp group for the party to say they’d had a lovely time and thanks etc. ex h has said that he is being mature as he can be around my family etc and makes out I’m being awkward because I don’t really have much to do with his parents. AIBU to think this is a bit creepy. I could understand it if me and ex h were on good terms and kept in contact but as I blocked his number when we separated as he started texting me abusive things, it just seems odd.

OP posts:
samplesalequeen · 07/07/2025 07:26

He went to a bbq with your sister and her family?

that’s just weird.

were you there?

jeaux90 · 07/07/2025 07:38

Sociopathic. He went to your family BBQ and thought that was ok. JFC.

healthybychristmas · 07/07/2025 07:45

And he thought they wanted him there? What an absolute idiot.

GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2025 08:00

Mine tried this. He was very thick skinned.

We had to match his determination. It was very difficult but ultimately worth it.

Olika · 07/07/2025 08:04

He is playing a game. Don’t rise to it. Just continue ignoring him and he will get tired.

AbzMoz · 07/07/2025 08:20

He’s intentionally inserting himself where he isn’t wanted, and that is definitely v weird, but you’re giving him the information to do so?

Could you have asked to switch days to accomodate the bbq with your family within your days? For now agree with PP that you should just not rise to it.

Doggymummar · 07/07/2025 08:22

Just send a 👍 don't engage.

PersephoneSeethes · 07/07/2025 08:33

Be careful how this unfolds, and he doesn’t get more tricksy. My father managed to trap my mother into this weird dynamic where she would bring us to his relatives BBQs because he was coming ‘straight from work’. She wanted us to see our cousins but didn’t have the wherewithal to be rude, drop us and run.

He would make her play ‘happy families’ in front of everyone, even though everyone knew they were divorced. It was very difficult and awkward.

maowmaow · 07/07/2025 08:39

Why didn’t your sister tell him
just to drop your son off and pick him up later?

Surely they didn’t indulge him and play happy family’s?

have you spoke to her since ?

maowmaow · 07/07/2025 08:40

And why is he on the WhatsApp group for the bbq party?

AndImBrit · 07/07/2025 08:43

Was he invited? If not, someone should’ve told him that before hand.

It’s not unusual in our family for exes to be at various family events if they’re with their children who are family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2025 08:49

Manipulative of him. What's your family's take on this?

rainbowstardrops · 07/07/2025 08:58

Why is he on the family WhatsApp group? That’s weird in itself.

GingerIsBest · 07/07/2025 08:59

Yes, what do your family think of this? were they cross but didn't feel they could ask him to leave? Or did they think it was fine?

A lot of men like this truly believe they can do whatever they like. And the language about YOU breaking up the family is very familiar to me with exBIL. Who also doesn't understand why he isn't invited to family events any more and is quite bitter about it. To the point where Christmas is a stressful consideration every single year.

FarmGirl78 · 07/07/2025 09:00

maowmaow · 07/07/2025 08:40

And why is he on the WhatsApp group for the bbq party?

This! What muppet let him in your family BBQ WhatsApp? Do you family actually know the what happened in your relationship? If not you need to make it clear to them and get them onside NOW before he has chance to continue any tactics like this. Why on earth would they have him in a family chat group? It's asking for trouble.

Concernedcheeselover · 07/07/2025 09:18

The Beckhams! Everything about them. I just want them to disappear but now I’ll spend the rest of my life getting boring as hell updates about their children aswell. So insincere and so many reports that they are both horrible people behind closed doors

Original poster
Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:12

samplesalequeen · 07/07/2025 07:26

He went to a bbq with your sister and her family?

that’s just weird.

were you there?

No, I didn’t go in the end. I would have felt awkward if I were him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:13

healthybychristmas · 07/07/2025 07:45

And he thought they wanted him there? What an absolute idiot.

Hahaa!! So true! He basically invited himself. I didn’t have time to tell my sister as he got there first!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:17

He thinks they’re his friends but he only knows of them from the times we went to bbq’s in the past. It’s very odd! To make matters worse my mum said that he wasn’t too bad at the bbq and just spoke out DS and helped him get in and out of the paddling/swimming pool and that I would have been annoyed if ex h wasn’t there keeping an eye on our son!. I think I’m more cross at her for saying he’s not that bad. I had a bit of a disagreement with her earlier as I told my mum that it feels like he’s invalidating my experience and making out he’s a nice guy and she was there when I checked myself into hospital due to the extreme stress and panic attacks of his narcissistic abuse and said it contributed but probably wasn’t the sole reason!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:19

FarmGirl78 · 07/07/2025 09:00

This! What muppet let him in your family BBQ WhatsApp? Do you family actually know the what happened in your relationship? If not you need to make it clear to them and get them onside NOW before he has chance to continue any tactics like this. Why on earth would they have him in a family chat group? It's asking for trouble.

Show quote history

Yes unfortunately they do, I think I feel disappointed that they know what he's done and I don’t feel supported but say he knows them. My mum did agree with me when I said I want nothing to do with him and I’m going to keep contact to the bare minimum and if I absolutely have to contact him about childcare arrangements

OP posts:
FarmGirl78 · 07/07/2025 21:29

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:19

Yes unfortunately they do, I think I feel disappointed that they know what he's done and I don’t feel supported but say he knows them. My mum did agree with me when I said I want nothing to do with him and I’m going to keep contact to the bare minimum and if I absolutely have to contact him about childcare arrangements

Show quote history

I would recommend using an app to communicate with him if you'll likely need to discuss childcare. AppClose is really good, was recommended by court. I think Our Family Wizard is good too, but there's a subscription charge for that I think. It's not possible to delete messages, and it's not via phonenumber, so you could change your number and he wouldn't have it. Conversations can be downloaded incase you need to ever submit it in paperwork to a court.

grumpygrape · 07/07/2025 21:32

FarmGirl78 · 07/07/2025 21:29

I would recommend using an app to communicate with him if you'll likely need to discuss childcare. AppClose is really good, was recommended by court. I think Our Family Wizard is good too, but there's a subscription charge for that I think. It's not possible to delete messages, and it's not via phonenumber, so you could change your number and he wouldn't have it. Conversations can be downloaded incase you need to ever submit it in paperwork to a court.

Show quote history

OP has said she/they only use a parenting app.

Laura95167 · 07/07/2025 21:35

Wait.. why was your sis OK with him there?

Takeoutyourhen · 07/07/2025 21:37

Surely he is indicating that you can’t get rid of him that easily. He’s charmed your family that’s for sure. Don’t forget what he has done to you. The probable concern now is that family won’t take you as seriously or even become sympathetic towards him!

Original poster
Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 23:39

Laura95167 · 07/07/2025 21:35

Wait.. why was your sis OK with him there?

I don’t know. My DS is quite nervous around people’s dogs and there were a few at the bbq, she said it helped having him there. My mum also said it was good to see him helping out with DS. This was my worry that it downplays the emotional abuse and it feels like they’re being taken in by him. My sister set me up with a dv charity when I separated from him so maybe she has a short memory!

I told my mum I was a bit triggered this weekend as I saw a video on Instagram. The therapist on there was saying that a narcissist will ignore you when you get ill and get angry with you. One night I was having a panic attack because we’d had several fights and he shoved me. He told me to not waste their doctor’s time and to go downstairs so he could sleep. I ended up driving myself to A&E as my heart rate was so high. I was deeply depressed at that time and a lot of it was to do with him and how he treated me.

So all the niceties are making me think my family don’t believe me!

OP posts:
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