AIBU to feel creeped out by ex husband’s behaviour?

[Mellie1984]

I got my divorce through a few weeks ago. I have been separated from him since the end of 2023 and moved out of the home I. February 2024. We have an 8 yo DS.

My ex was very emotionally abusive, such as screaming in my face, gaslighting me, manipulating me and doing some odd things and blaming me for his behaviour. It’s nice to be out of that narcissistic relationship. The final straw was when we had an argument and he pushed me into a door. My ex mil of course took his side and thought I’d gone crazy to want a divorce. For a long time I had blocked his number and only communicated on a parenting app. The only communication I have with him is to make arrangements for DS. He stays with my Ex H 2 nights a week and every other Sunday. Anyways when I left him, he said he couldn’t believe I was doing this to our son and that I was taking my family away from him. We used to go around to my parents for a Sunday roast etc. I have a new BF now and things are going very well,

it was his weekend to have DS and it was my nephews birthday. My sister had arranged a bbq with their friends and my family. DS knew about the bbq as he saw his cousins a few days before and said he wanted to go. I contacted ex H to say about the bbq and that DS wanted to go. Ex h said he wanted to go and he would take DS, but what I meant was that he would drop DS off there and collect him after a few hours, as I thought he might feel awkward about this. Anyways he went along and then messaged on the WhatsApp group for the party to say they’d had a lovely time and thanks etc. ex h has said that he is being mature as he can be around my family etc and makes out I’m being awkward because I don’t really have much to do with his parents. AIBU to think this is a bit creepy. I could understand it if me and ex h were on good terms and kept in contact but as I blocked his number when we separated as he started texting me abusive things, it just seems odd.

That what it feels like. My mum said that he was ok and she didn’t think he had a manipulative plan, but he was just doing something nice for our son. It makes me think I’m being too over the top and not justified in how I’ve been feeling. She was saying that he’s probably had time to mature and learnt a lot. He probably wasn’t horrible to me knowingly! I said to her even if someone hits you accidentally or on purpose it still hurts the same so that’s nonesense!

my mum has quite a warped view of relationships as my new partner was my plus 1 at a wedding and she thought it was strange that my partner wanted to dance with me and be all lovey dovey, when my ex would have just abandoned me at a party to chat to everyone?! saying that my dad is narcissistic and my brother in law can act in narcissistic ways so they maybe don’t see things the same way as me.

It's tough for your family, because he has so much contact with your DS, so they've got to remain polite. It was cause a scene, or tell them both to leave, or just go with it, which would you have preferred? I'd stop having conversations about it, it's happened. Try to prevent it happening again. If it had been my choice, my GC abusive Dad wouldn't have got access, but now he has, I'm in the same position.

I'm tempted to say you are being unreasonable, purely because you don't seem to have learned much from your time with him. If he was really a gaslighter, then he is a narcissist, and all that can mean is that he saw this as an opportunity to gaslight you some more! He wants you to think that you are the mad one and he is the sane and reasonable one. He is trying to show your family that he is the good guy, and you let him walk right into that opportunity. What were you thinking?

Here is a tip, which I'm fairly amazed you haven't learned. You ought to expect that he always has at least one ulterior motive an play. Always. This is just his latest bit of drama - his latest way to get at you - and you let it work! You should not by now be questionning his motives - you should just know.

Given his list of alleged transgressions, I have no idea why you didn't cut him out of your life entirely. I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near my child. You kid does not have the life experience yet to avoid being a pawn in his games. I am sorry to be so direct, but if he is all you say he is, wakey wakey!!! You have done the hardest thing - you have left the arsehole. Do not sleep walk into more of his crap.

I think you need to speak to your therapist about this and tips and techniques for communicating your needs to your family.

Some people aren't as worried about emotional abuse or coercive control as physical violence. Tbh id have found it easier to talk myself into forgiving a mid argument shove then deliberate nastiness but I think your family may have (wrongly) only perceived the shove as DV.

He will be charming in public but this allows him control. I agree its nice hes a been taking DS out and not all bad partners are bad parents but this was inappropriate. Dsis likely didn't think about it, but while you dont want them antagonising him that doesnt mean welcoming him and including him too. I think you need to explain what you need going forward but let this one go as an error on DSis part, as long as it doesnt happen again.

Also it was her BBQ she could say no pets!