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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DF accusing me of lying a lot?

50 replies

BeArtfulWriter · 06/07/2025 22:36

I could name countless instances were my partner has questioned me, accused me of lying or second guessed me when I gave him an answer to his interrogations but I'll try keep it brief.
Question is: AIBU to want to get out of this or work on this with him?

He's always accused me of being involved with other people at work. The latest accusations have been that I'm contacting other men on my work phone, I'll get with someone when I'm on worktrips away, or if my phone died while I'm away, he's asked why and becomes very suspicious. I've never given him any reason to feel like this but it's wearing me down.
Now, the lies have got to such petty things like accusing me of being drunk when I haven't been drinking, accusing me of lying about going to the gym or telling me I just lay out my gym mat in the house to make him think I was doing a workout while he was out (implying I was doing something else).
He's a heavy drinking and I think he's becoming a paranoid delusional drunk. I don't know how much more I can tolerate being told I'm lying...especially when it comes to work as I support us both on my income alone.
I get angry when he accuses me and I give him answers and he doesn't believe me and then he blames my angry reaction on not being able to trust my answer but I'm just so frustrated by that point. I feel like it's gaslighting and projection on his part.

We're not married yet but have been planning to. Does this ever get better?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 06/07/2025 22:37

No it doesn't get better

It sounds pretty miserable tbh

Mmmkaay · 06/07/2025 22:37

Run for the hills. Don't look back. And thank your lucky stars you're not married yet.

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/07/2025 22:38

Why on earth would you want to marry him?

Heavy drinker
Doesn't work
Doesn't trust you

What's the point?

TheTwitcher11 · 06/07/2025 22:39

BeArtfulWriter · 06/07/2025 22:36

I could name countless instances were my partner has questioned me, accused me of lying or second guessed me when I gave him an answer to his interrogations but I'll try keep it brief.
Question is: AIBU to want to get out of this or work on this with him?

He's always accused me of being involved with other people at work. The latest accusations have been that I'm contacting other men on my work phone, I'll get with someone when I'm on worktrips away, or if my phone died while I'm away, he's asked why and becomes very suspicious. I've never given him any reason to feel like this but it's wearing me down.
Now, the lies have got to such petty things like accusing me of being drunk when I haven't been drinking, accusing me of lying about going to the gym or telling me I just lay out my gym mat in the house to make him think I was doing a workout while he was out (implying I was doing something else).
He's a heavy drinking and I think he's becoming a paranoid delusional drunk. I don't know how much more I can tolerate being told I'm lying...especially when it comes to work as I support us both on my income alone.
I get angry when he accuses me and I give him answers and he doesn't believe me and then he blames my angry reaction on not being able to trust my answer but I'm just so frustrated by that point. I feel like it's gaslighting and projection on his part.

We're not married yet but have been planning to. Does this ever get better?

What would you tell a friend if they told you their partner was treating them like this?

teenmaw · 06/07/2025 22:39

Christ run. And for the record, people that accuse you of lying with no real basis….are liars. That’s how they think and they project it onto you.

PinkiOcelot · 06/07/2025 22:41

My mam used to say evil thinkers are evil doers. If he doesn’t work (why?) he’s got plenty of time.

AprilShowers25 · 06/07/2025 22:41

Could not be arsed with that, get rid

Notanotheruser111 · 06/07/2025 22:42

That type of unfounded jealousy is a very high risk factor for family violence. If you decide to leave seek some advice on how to do it safely

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/07/2025 22:43

Not only does it not get better, it gets worse once you married and it’s harder to leave. He’s a nasty piece of work. LTB

Outofthemoonlight · 06/07/2025 22:47

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/07/2025 22:38

Why on earth would you want to marry him?

Heavy drinker
Doesn't work
Doesn't trust you

What's the point?

Precisely.

Why on earth would you want to inflict this useless tossed on yourself?

would you want this …….. (expletive deleted…) to be the father of your children?

No, I thought not…

MounjaroMounjaro · 06/07/2025 22:47

Oh ffs, why would you marry a man like this? He's shown you what he's like - absolutely awful. Why would you consider making a lifelong commitment to him?

AmberOtter · 06/07/2025 22:49

Solidarity to you as in a similar situation at the moment and i’m preparing to leave. It doesn’t get better if anything it gets worse. you’ll find yourself a shell of a person like i am. But after a particularly nasty exchange I have found my inner strength and am going. Don’t do it, he won’t change.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 06/07/2025 22:50

Leave as soon as possible

Lotsofsnacks · 06/07/2025 22:51

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/07/2025 22:38

Why on earth would you want to marry him?

Heavy drinker
Doesn't work
Doesn't trust you

What's the point?

This!! What a catch eh??

owlyboo · 06/07/2025 22:53

Leave. It only gets worse. And once you’re married your finances are tied making it much harder (and more expensive) to leave. Honestly leave now.

Bellavida99 · 06/07/2025 22:53

Please take advice from here and plan to leave asap. Why are you supporting this disgusting man and planning to marry him? He’s taking advantage of you and making you miserable

SUPerSaver721 · 06/07/2025 22:54

What's his good points?

BeArtfulWriter · 06/07/2025 22:57

Hes self-employed but it's not going well. He's an incredibly charming individual with a big personality and tries to make up his lack of income with some chores but he also takes care of his terminally ill mother and I could put up with that part but the accusations of lying are just getting out of hand

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 06/07/2025 22:59

I don't think you'd support anyone continuing in this type of relationship, so why put yourself through it.

MorphandMindy · 06/07/2025 23:01

My friend, open your eyes. He doesn’t for a second actually believe you’re cheating on him. He just loves how much it keeps you off balance and justifying yourself to him, it makes you small and him feel big when you have to keep defending yourself.

He knows very well you aren’t cheating. He just LOVES the reaction he gets when he says it.

FourLove · 06/07/2025 23:02

At least step back for a while even if you don't end the rleationship at once.
This man is in no position to get married.

Bobnobob · 06/07/2025 23:09

Do not wreck your life by marrying him

Magnalux · 06/07/2025 23:11

this is the best he will ever be for you, it’s only going to go downhill ! It will not in any universe get better

Ilovelifeverymuch · 06/07/2025 23:25

I haven't read anything that is worth trying to fix in this relationship.

I'm not one for LTB very quickly but this is a disaster that will only get worse, so in my humble opinion you should leave and move on if not you will spend the rest of your life dealing with his insecurities and controlling behaviour don't get me started about his drinking problem.

If you stay he will wear you down, destroy your self esteem and confidence, and you will be filled with resentment that will eat you inside. No man is worth this.

It's a good thing you're not married and no kids so this is the time to walk not when you're tied down with kids. Just think of it, is this really the type of man you want to have children with? Is it fair to saddle kids with such an abusive drunk person or do you think he will magically change once you have kids?

INeedAnotherAlibi · 06/07/2025 23:32

I’d suspect 1 of 2 things. Either the drinking is making him paranoid or he’s the one lying. Quite common for people who lie to flip the narrative.
To echo pp, no, it won’t get better. If you marry him, he will bring you down with him.