DF accusing me of lying a lot?

[BeArtfulWriter]

I could name countless instances were my partner has questioned me, accused me of lying or second guessed me when I gave him an answer to his interrogations but I'll try keep it brief.
Question is: AIBU to want to get out of this or work on this with him?

He's always accused me of being involved with other people at work. The latest accusations have been that I'm contacting other men on my work phone, I'll get with someone when I'm on worktrips away, or if my phone died while I'm away, he's asked why and becomes very suspicious. I've never given him any reason to feel like this but it's wearing me down.
Now, the lies have got to such petty things like accusing me of being drunk when I haven't been drinking, accusing me of lying about going to the gym or telling me I just lay out my gym mat in the house to make him think I was doing a workout while he was out (implying I was doing something else).
He's a heavy drinking and I think he's becoming a paranoid delusional drunk. I don't know how much more I can tolerate being told I'm lying...especially when it comes to work as I support us both on my income alone.
I get angry when he accuses me and I give him answers and he doesn't believe me and then he blames my angry reaction on not being able to trust my answer but I'm just so frustrated by that point. I feel like it's gaslighting and projection on his part.

We're not married yet but have been planning to. Does this ever get better?

Oh no, it doesn't get better - I guarantee you it will get worse. He's an abusive drunk - why on earthquake would you consider marrying him? Is he living in your house? If so tell him to leave, pack up his stuff and leave it outside for him to collect. You really need to get him out of your life because this relationship will destroy you.

It will only get better once you are far, far away from this man.

It sounds like you already know you need to leave him. If you need people to validate this option for you, then please consider this a big, fat, green stamp of approval, and GO!

He sounds toxic, and his behaviour sounds unhinged. Do you have people IRL who you can confide in and ask for support/practical help in leaving? If not (or in addition), speak to Women's Aid, they will be able to tell you the safest way to leave this gaslighting cocklodger.

“He's a heavy drinking and I think he's becoming a paranoid delusional drunk.”
”I support us both on my income alone”

OP, why on earth would you want to marry him? Is this really the sort of father you want for your DC? He sounds paranoid and delusional, the way he’s accusing you of things, and he’s a drone, if you’re having to support him. This is no basis for a partnership. Please, leave now before you end up having children and then getting divorced because you have no money (which will inevitably lead to rows) and when he’s horrible to the DC as well as to you.

Hell no don't marry or have children with this man.
Your life and subsequent children will be hell on earth.

@BeArtfulWriter

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them". And he is shouting it from the rooftops.

You do know that 'heavy drinker' is denial-code for alcoholic, right? And he's a cocklodger to boot. If his business isn't 'doing well' (and how long has that been for?) then he needs to get a regular job. But he won't.

Get rid of him. You may hurt for a bit, but you will hurt longer and harder if you stay with this man. You'll hurt for the rest of your life.

But if you don't, please, for the love of God, please don't marry.

@AmberOtter Well done to you for finding the strength to leave. I wish you all the best

OP, as everyone else has said, please don't waste your life on this controlling man.

Just read your post back to yourself.

Why on earth is this even a question to you? Do you normally accept such poor standards from people who are meant to love you?

Come on @BeArtfulWriter…

It won't get better. It will get worse once you are married, and probably even worse when you have children.

Leave him.

Self employment never does go well with people like this so don't think that will improve. He's paranoid, shifts the blame onto other people and is completely unreasonable. You know what he's like - honestly, if you stay with him you can expect a lifetime of misery.

It never gets better. In fact, once you're married, and there are children involved, it gets worse.

Simple question - why on earth would you want to be with someone who doesn't trust you?

Similarly, why on earth would he want to be with someone he doesn't trust.

Run now, whiel you can.

Why on earth would you want to marry a delusional, paranoid drunk who doesn't work so doesn't contribute any money to your household finances? I cannot see a single reason why you would want to stay in this relationship. Get rid of him now when he is entitled to nothing from you. Do not marry or have children with him.

I think you should calmly move on op. It would be a huge mistake continuing with him and actually getting married. Jealous and controlling men are not relationship material and are nearly impossible to change as this is their personality.

This.

Please look after yourself and get him out of your life.

Get out now.

Don't even think about marrying this guy.

I don't understand why you're even with him.

Doesn't being in money? Heavy drinker? Constantly making ridiculous accusations? Why would you put up with this, let along consider marrying someone like this?!?!

End this relationship now and tell him to sort himself out.

If he starts accusing you if having someone else then just laugh. You don't have to answer.

My ex was really paranoid and would then start checking up on me, making sure I had gone where I said I was with whom I said would be there. He would make an excuse and say he thought I'd forgotten something. After 5 years I ended it.

God imagine his behaviour when you are married with a couple of kids!

Run

That's no way to live, you must spend most of your time feeling anxious. The accusations are enough on their own but him being a drunk and you providing for him makes it even worse. End the relationship. You deserve better.

Why do you want to put up with any of it?

It’s a BLESSING you’re not married to him!

What’s the housing situation? If it’s your house, tell him to leave today, he can go to his mum’s or other relatives/friends as he’s so charming.

Whattttt... get out, seriously, this will escalate into abusive and controlling behaviour. Very alarming, please leave.

It's like you've read the situation perfectly. Even though his business is not working for him and hasn't been for years, he still refuses to take a "boring" job to make sustainable income. He keeps saying one day it'll all get better for him.
And, yes, he is an alcoholic.

Beggar’s belief really.

Cut him loose.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

At best you're enabling him and preventing him from hitting rock bottom.

So many threads on here from people who have been in your shoes. All you can do is walk away.

"We're not married yet but have been planning to"

Why on earth are you wanting to marry someone who doesn't trust you? Can you really not see your future here? Get married, have a kid, he accuses you of having a work affair, the baby isn't his! He gets drunk, ends up hitting you or worse, your child!!

Get a fucking grip, woman!!
Leave him now!!

And so, since you know this, what are you going to do?

This is your life we're talking about, your happiness and your future. We only get one go round. Do you really want to take such a big chance that he's going to stop drinking and become a 'productive member of society'? Because chances are he won't. And why should he when you're there to facilitate his alcoholism & cocklodging?

And here's the other thing. His constant accusations of you lying. Has it occurred to you that he's doing it, not because he truly believes it, but only to keep you 'proving yourself' to him? He accuses you of not loving him or cheating so you bend over backwards to prove how important he is to you. He accuses you of 'being distant' or 'in a bad mood' and bam! You stop complaining about his ways and go silent in order to 'disprove' him. This tactic is as old as time.

Stop and think how much more peaceful and easier your life would be without him. Calmer home, more money, less stress. Why wouldn't you choose that? Why live in unhappiness for the sake of being 'coupled up'? It makes no sense. And remember, too, that you'll never meet Mr Right when you're all entangled with Mr Wrong.

So in answer to your question "Does this ever get better?" no, it doesn't. And it usually always gets worse.

If you feel like saying, what is your living arrangement? Your house, his house, renting together or separately? Don't let some sort of financial entanglement with him stop you from extricating yourself. Sometimes it's simple to break away, sometimes it takes a bit of time and finagling. But it's always worth it.

And please, please double up on your contraception. You don't want any unfortunate accidents to occur during this period of reflection.