Am i wrong?

[AmberOtter]

Sooo basically my DH has found very innocent work related messages on my phone today from a male work colleague- talking about work stuff etc- all 100% innocent. My DH has gone ballistic, calling me all the names under the sun, a cheat and insulting the way i look.

He is of the thought process that men and woman can’t be friends as it always leads to something!! Obviously I disagree and will be getting my ducks in a row as this is the final straw- some things can’t be unsaid- but wondered what others thought about this?

Nope. You are not wrong. Good for you for preparing to leaving. Paranoid and controlling behaviour is unacceptable.

And how did he "find" your messages that's worse!

So there are two issues here. The first issue is your DH's opinion on your contacts. He shouldn't have one.

Ask your DH if you can delete any of his contacts ... Yeah, he doesn't even want to explain them, does he ...

My DH never had an opinon on my contacts nor would I have tolerated any restrictions on my contacts, personal or professional. I am an adult. I do as I please. End of ... Nor did I ever ask DH about his contacts.

The other is your work colleague(s). I have some work conacts on my phone. I collected them from a work related WhatsApp. Some of these conacts are male some of them are female. I hit them up as and when. They are incredibly useful but I hardly use them.

@Mollypolly2610 yea he snooped!

He’s threatening to go to my work to ‘have it out’ with my work colleague. eurgh what a mess!

Let him. He's going to look a complete fool.
Then LTB. He sounds beyond tedious.

I wouldn't put up with this, you've done nothing wrong. Glad you're getting your ducks in a row, you deserve better than him!

Why did he snoop?

@Stripeyanddotty no idea really. He does go through my phone from time to time!

@Endofyear no more, enough is enough. I’ve got some health complaints at the moment and one of the vile things he said was ‘I hope it’s fucking cancer and you die’. There’s no getting over that for me, especially when i have done nothing wrong.

Lock your phone for a start.

why though? I have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. Locking my phone or changing my passcode will make it look like I have! Which in his mind will affirm he is correct with his suspicions- I know how he thinks!

Fair enough.
My phone has always had a passcode - simple basic security I would have thought.

If he does turn up at your work causing a scene, I hope they call the police then he'll look like a proper idiot. Then change the locks and file for divorce.

No you are not unreasonable

He is a controlling twat.

What an absolutely vile man. You don't deserve to be treated in this way, he has absolutely no respect for you.

Leave. Inform work of what is going on so they are ready to call security and not engage with him. Sorry you’re going through this he sounds like an absolute tool

Even if you had been sending flirty messages, his reaction and to say that to you is unforgivable.

Going on the assumption that as you've said everything is solely work related and not verging into emotional affair territory, then yadnbu and I agree get your ducks in a row.

Does he have form for these kind of explosive reactions and controlling behaviour? Do you feel safe around him? It might be worth considering womens aid for support.

I think you need to lock your devices. For a start it's basic security, if something was lost or stolen our phones etc hold a crazy amount of personal information that you don't want getting into the wrong hands. He should not have been snooping and its concerning that he does this for no reason at random. I'd also check your devices for spy ware or monitoring.

Oh gosh OP. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
this is Emotional Abuse:
Verbal abuse (calling you names)
Accusations without basis (cheating)
Degrading your appearance (which is meant to lower your self-worth)
Disproportionate anger over nothing.

These are classic signs of emotional abuse which eventually erodes your confidence, independence, and emotional safety.
I’m glad to hear you are making plans to leave. You are very much not being unreasonable.

I agree, there's no coming back from that. You don't say something like that to someone you're supposed to love 😔

Bloody hell. You need to LTB.

I have male friends that I chat with - we’ve been friends for nearly 40 years. DH knows all about them (they’re friends of his now too) but would never dream of reading our conversations as he trusts me.

As PP have said, you need to warn your work about your soon-to-be-ex DH and the chance he is going to show up.

Do you have somewhere you will be safe? I’m concerned about how he’ll react when you say you’re divorcing him.

And good luck with the health tests btw.

What you’re describing is domestic abuse. I’m sure he’s text book and and has also tried to isolate you from family and friends he doesn’t like, worries about what you wear, wearing too much makeup etc. If you google domestic abuse charity and then name of your county you’ll find local support to help you leave safely.

I think he's judging you by his own low standards and he couldn't be friends with a female colleague because he'd be angling to sleep with them.
The cancer comment is unforgivable.

just to clear up i have a passcode on my phone of course. We both know each others passcode, use whatever phone is closest etc.

@MedievalNun I did think about informing work but how embarrassing would that be! but appreciate i’m unreasonable in thinking that as i work with vulnerable adults so to protect them and my innocent colleague, need to get over the embarrassment side of it!