To ask for your rules about teenagers going out

[shapedlikeapear]

DD15 has started hanging around local village with friends at night. They all stay out later but at weekends I pick her up at 10.
They don’t do anything wrong but I don’t feel 100% comfortable with it yet. I know she needs freedom to hang out so she doesn’t know I don’t really like it.

last night I got a call from her best friend to say she’d gone in and DD15 was in an uber going to next village along with some lads to hang out there. I went to pick her up immediately as I realised we hadn’t had a chat about what the rules are. I don’t know these lads and they’re all year older.

For context, these aren’t sweet little villages, the 2nd one is quite rough.

I was going to say that she doesn’t get in cars with anyone, go to houses of people we don’t know or with kids we don’t know. Always with 1 other girl. There’s no drinking or smoking yet.

She always has location on and is always where she says she’ll be.

Is there anything else you wished you’d said as kids were getting more grown up/ independent ?

TIA

So are they just hanging around on the streets?

Hard fast rule here is no hanging round on the streets. Nothing good comes of it.

Nothing good EVER comes from hanging out on the street, especially at night. She and her friends need a safe space to meet.

Yes my 15 year old is absolutely not allowed to hang round streets.

This is interesting. I used to hang around in the streets in both my quaint village and the neighbouring town. Nothing bad ever came of it. I’m not sure where else kids are able to go unless a parent opens their home but who would want to?!

your rules seem fair but what happens if she breaks them? She will be mixing with people you don’t know and must be trusted to have her own opinion and look after her own safety. I’d be surprised if there’s no drinking or smoking yet. I imagine it’s around her especially if these boys are a year older.

id add that her phone must always be well charged.

Yep and by a little lake with their music

Yeah I live in a bit of a rough area so no hanging around the streets. Friends houses, our house, cinema, coffee shop, McDonald’s etc all fine. We ended up with a bit of an open house as I prefer they come to me.

if you are going to allow it I’d say curfew obviously, have a plan for her getting home, if X friends go home she has to leave too . Perimeters of where she can go. List any no go zones . No drinking/smoking/vaping/drugs.

I feel like that too, but the alternative is not being out with her best friend. None of the parents seem to want them in their house which is understandable. There isn’t a safe space.

Can her friends come to yours instead?

I say this as someone who did hang around the streets as a 14/15, it might not be the case with your daughter. But I was definitely drinking and smoking. Nothing bad ever happened but I cringe now at how stupid I was. Parents had no idea as I lied to them, like most my friends did.

Can they come to your house?

I think similar re: rules.I have an 18 year old so have just been through it. I think your rules are fair and it doesn't last long as they get bored and grow out of it. I used to have sunset as a curfew so was really early in winter. It lessens in winter too as they are too cold.

I always offered a few of them to hang out here too as I liked to know where they are.

Now 18 year old and nights in town is a whole new worry ball game.

Hard no from me.
Is she doing her GCSEs?
Can her friends not come around yours?
Why do you think no cigarettes/ vapes / drinking/ sexual behaviours? Do you remember being a teen?

We used to rotate between the 6 girls for sleepovers so was once every 6 weeks. Now they won't share a bed with anyone let alone lone a cushion on a floor.

We live about 3 miles away from nearest village. No buses, dark country road. I’ve said she can bring them here and they can hang out in garden etc there’s a summer house, fire pit etc but it would be occasional not regular due to logistics.

We had a garden building installed so they could hang out there because the alternative is the local park and nothing good happens there after dusk.

Sounds extreme, but one of our friends lost a teenager to a stabbing on the street (in broad daylight) so we felt we had to offer a safer alternative because the streets and parks were a hard no from me.

X post with you @shapedlikeapear

A lot of parents picked them up or they stayed over.

My friend and I did a bit too then our houses were open. My mum was great at letting everyone pile in and tbh we still got up to no good. We were smoking & drinking at home as 16/17 year olds 😬 but she knew where we were.

GCSEs next year. I pick her up, see the group of kids. I also turn up a bit earlier occasionally. There’s def vaping but nothing else so far. She’s not interested in drinking yet. However I remember being puritanical and judgy about smoking whilst sneaking cigs from my dad’s packet !

My girls aren’t allowed to hang out on streets and I’d literally go MENTAL if they got in an Uber I don’t even let my almost 19 year old get Ubers without specifically telling me first and sending me a tracker of her journey. We are all on the Life360 app and all girls aren’t allowed out without 100% battery (or 50% with a portable charger) they carry a bank card as well as Apple Pay so I can always get cash to them in an emergency. We agree where they are going and what time they will be home and who will bring them home before they leave. My girls are quite accepting of this. They’ve all been grounded for not fully complying and know there’s absolutely no wiggle room in my rules. Safety is key. I may sound draconian or over protective but my house my rules. I also have their PIN codes to their phones and they know I’ll check them (although I never do) if I suspect any form of foul play on their part.

Mine can go anywhere, any park, we have fields and fields near us that most of the kids hang out, sometimes they’ll go to the shopping centre but rarely as it’s now very boring apparently.

My eldest once turned off her location settings and basically breached every rule I think she was 14/15 at the time. The minute she came home I made her watch the Milly Dowler documentary and she never ever abused our trust again.

I do think you need to keep all avenues of communication open so your kids can approach you if they do ever find themselves in trouble but set clear boundaries and follow punishments through.

To add… re alcohol I think my eldest was 16 when as a group of parents we decided they could have the odd alcopop at sleepovers etc. I’ve personally found that by allowing it it makes them less sneaky which I definitely was at that age. I was one of the 90s kids popping god knows what in a park at all hours. Vaping I don’t think we’ll ever be able to control and I’ve accepted that they will all try things at some point there’s no point in fighting it just educating as best you can.

Oh I’d love her to be bored of it. Can’t even think about the going out into town yet. No idea how parents coped in 90’s. I was going to all night raves and no mobile phones 😁

I think accepting you are a taxi service is just a given. I know some people won't do that and drink themselves etc. I was lucky as I had my parents close by. So even now there is always one of us sober to pick up if needed. Grandad was famous for his lifts to the village.

My ds1 is in a large friendship group and they love hanging around on the streets and have done so since 15 (now 18), Several parents have opened the house up, including me, but they only do that (did - now they have pubs and cars to shelter in!) when it's raining. They like being outside. It's not ideal but they aren't up to no good. Ds doesn't drink or vape - some do but by no means all and ds says drunkenness only happens at parties, not on the streets, when it tends to be just a couple of cans. Absolutely none of them smoke - it's not much of a thing now.

Last weekend ds was out until two as he and a friend walked 50 minutes to walk some girls home in their group who'd gone to a different pub from everyone else an then called saying they needed to be walked home, ffs.

We are in a small town which is pretty safe - nothing ever seems to happen (don't want to tempt fate!) and my rules are phone fully charged, message if you've said you'll be back by a certain time and plans change, don't get in cars with people who've been drinking - which I didn't need to say as 'I'm not stupid, mum,' if I message or call then answer. They all walk each other home but someone ends up alone for a bit obviously so another rule is no headphones on once it's dark. At 15 his curfew was 11 and luckily he only ever wanted to go at weekends otherwise I would have had an earlier one for weekdays.

@BeMellowAquaSquid I don't use Ubers but i thought they were pretty safe

I am sure the majority of them are but I have a few black cabbie friends and the stories they’ve told me are enough to question this. Also we had an incident locally of an Uber driver sexually assaulting a female passenger who hasn’t been caught. I try to use local cab firms the ones in our particular area are all licensed.