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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for your rules about teenagers going out

31 replies

shapedlikeapear · 06/07/2025 08:36

DD15 has started hanging around local village with friends at night. They all stay out later but at weekends I pick her up at 10.
They don’t do anything wrong but I don’t feel 100% comfortable with it yet. I know she needs freedom to hang out so she doesn’t know I don’t really like it.

last night I got a call from her best friend to say she’d gone in and DD15 was in an uber going to next village along with some lads to hang out there. I went to pick her up immediately as I realised we hadn’t had a chat about what the rules are. I don’t know these lads and they’re all year older.

For context, these aren’t sweet little villages, the 2nd one is quite rough.

I was going to say that she doesn’t get in cars with anyone, go to houses of people we don’t know or with kids we don’t know. Always with 1 other girl. There’s no drinking or smoking yet.

She always has location on and is always where she says she’ll be.

Is there anything else you wished you’d said as kids were getting more grown up/ independent ?

TIA

OP posts:
Nottodaty · 06/07/2025 10:32

Depends on where you live. The fairly safe town next to ours recently had a investigation into a rape of a 15 year old at 7pm.
My sister lives in a village, her boys happily hang around & have been safe.

I have an open house, there is no just hanging around the streets. With my eldest we’ve had on occasions a room full of sleeping teenagers, shoes all by the front door. My rules are no smoking, and no getting drunk - they did occasionally have a couple of bottles of beer (at this point all over 16) As they got older that changed, and when they all mixed 17/18 years old a little more was drunk or they would often come back to ours after a visit to a pub. I also often would do the pick ups from friends and pubs. My youngest is 15 and has never once challenged the rules , it helps as the majority of her friendship groups parents are the same so we all aligned .

Everyone saying they don’t drink, smoke , vape , drugs - I was young once and fully aware of the teenager my parents thought and the teenager friends saw. The pressure even if they’ve never drank before is different when hanging out and about, mixing with different groups.

Duckduck2 · 06/07/2025 10:38

Also have a 15 year old here, they are not allowed to hang around the streets and thankfully none of their friends do either.

Zanatdy · 06/07/2025 10:44

I wouldn’t be happy with them just hanging around the streets, we were all young once and know what we got up to. Thankfully my kids seem to have skipped over that stage.

DurinsBane · 06/07/2025 10:49

BeMellowAquaSquid · 06/07/2025 09:08

My girls aren’t allowed to hang out on streets and I’d literally go MENTAL if they got in an Uber I don’t even let my almost 19 year old get Ubers without specifically telling me first and sending me a tracker of her journey. We are all on the Life360 app and all girls aren’t allowed out without 100% battery (or 50% with a portable charger) they carry a bank card as well as Apple Pay so I can always get cash to them in an emergency. We agree where they are going and what time they will be home and who will bring them home before they leave. My girls are quite accepting of this. They’ve all been grounded for not fully complying and know there’s absolutely no wiggle room in my rules. Safety is key. I may sound draconian or over protective but my house my rules. I also have their PIN codes to their phones and they know I’ll check them (although I never do) if I suspect any form of foul play on their part.

Mine can go anywhere, any park, we have fields and fields near us that most of the kids hang out, sometimes they’ll go to the shopping centre but rarely as it’s now very boring apparently.

My eldest once turned off her location settings and basically breached every rule I think she was 14/15 at the time. The minute she came home I made her watch the Milly Dowler documentary and she never ever abused our trust again.

I do think you need to keep all avenues of communication open so your kids can approach you if they do ever find themselves in trouble but set clear boundaries and follow punishments through.

To add… re alcohol I think my eldest was 16 when as a group of parents we decided they could have the odd alcopop at sleepovers etc. I’ve personally found that by allowing it it makes them less sneaky which I definitely was at that age. I was one of the 90s kids popping god knows what in a park at all hours. Vaping I don’t think we’ll ever be able to control and I’ve accepted that they will all try things at some point there’s no point in fighting it just educating as best you can.

Edited

You are being a big draconian with your 18/almost 19 year old. Having the pin to her phone? Having to tell you all her plans etc?

DurinsBane · 06/07/2025 10:51

pinotnow · 06/07/2025 09:35

My ds1 is in a large friendship group and they love hanging around on the streets and have done so since 15 (now 18), Several parents have opened the house up, including me, but they only do that (did - now they have pubs and cars to shelter in!) when it's raining. They like being outside. It's not ideal but they aren't up to no good. Ds doesn't drink or vape - some do but by no means all and ds says drunkenness only happens at parties, not on the streets, when it tends to be just a couple of cans. Absolutely none of them smoke - it's not much of a thing now.

Last weekend ds was out until two as he and a friend walked 50 minutes to walk some girls home in their group who'd gone to a different pub from everyone else an then called saying they needed to be walked home, ffs.

We are in a small town which is pretty safe - nothing ever seems to happen (don't want to tempt fate!) and my rules are phone fully charged, message if you've said you'll be back by a certain time and plans change, don't get in cars with people who've been drinking - which I didn't need to say as 'I'm not stupid, mum,' if I message or call then answer. They all walk each other home but someone ends up alone for a bit obviously so another rule is no headphones on once it's dark. At 15 his curfew was 11 and luckily he only ever wanted to go at weekends otherwise I would have had an earlier one for weekdays.

He sounds a decent guy for walking that far to walk home his female friends. A gentleman and respectful of women’s safety.

BeMellowAquaSquid · 06/07/2025 11:30

DurinsBane · 06/07/2025 10:49

You are being a big draconian with your 18/almost 19 year old. Having the pin to her phone? Having to tell you all her plans etc?

Show quote history

Maybe I am but it definitely helps with the other two not pushing the boundaries. Clearly I can’t punish my eldest she’d laugh in my face but overall she’s turned out to be an amazing respectful young woman so if the rules have been draconian then they’ve certainly worked. To add I’ve also been strict with her wages and making her save money, she now habitually saves and spends in equal measure so if that’s draconian then so be it. She’s bought her own car and insurance in cash and has managed 2 holidays already this year so I guess that’s a win.

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