P/MIL with her ex-DIL - how usual is this

[DesperateforSunshine]

This is going to go against the grail with most MIL/DIL's.

I split up with DP 15yo and have 2children - now 17 and 19 but my parents have treated ExP superbly ever since with free foreign holidays and money ever since. This goes against the whole grain here and in real life. I don't know why I'm posting really apart from wanting to know if anyone else has experienced this.

Are you annoyed your ex benefitted from this?

Why do they give him money? What are your thoughts and feelings about their relationship? I think it's a little unusual, especially after 15 years.

I don’t know, my dad’s parents stayed very close to my mum after my parents got divorced. I guess partly to keep a close relationship with us kids, but also she'd been part of their family for years and they wanted to support her. Not with money and holidays, they didn’t really have that kind of money, but spending time together as if she was still their family.

So he's their sugar baby?!

The op says dil so I'm assuming the op is a man and the ex is the children's mother.

I'm also going to make the wild assumption he had a row custody agreement and they stayed close dil as she was the default parent and they wanted to see the kids. And/or their son was a poor example of a husband or parent so they felt they were on her side

Id hazard a guess that they either didn’t like you and they are now enjoying spoiling their son without you benefiting, or they are feeling sorry for your ex and spoiling him.

My PIL throw money (and huge amounts - 6 figs not 4 or 5 to help my BIL buy houses etc) and childcare - having the children for a week at time when BIL are single. I keep saying to DH we need to stage a break up. We have never had a penny from them and even when I was suffering from PND and PNA, DH was working away they never helped with childcare.

Its frustrating to witness as there seems to be this notion that men simply cannot cope without a woman and it’s too much for them…

My ex PIL (well, wasn’t married but you know what I mean) have supported me with money in desperate times and continue to send invitations for visits and birthday and Christmas presents even though my child is not biologically related to them. They watched him grow up, we are family as far as I’m concerned .
we had a good relationship when I was with my partner, with whom I still get on well, everyone is a grown-up and we all put my son first. Now they are becoming elderly and have health issues. I get to send a bit more support in their direction. It’s a very rare and beautiful thing, feel very lucky.

My DD has split from the father of her children. Her ex FIL gives directly to my DD and our GC because his son is selfish and a taker, even off his own children. He helps with school uniform etc. If he had the money for a holiday and my DD couldn't afford one, I could see him offering tbh. It doesn't go against the RL that I know, however those involved have had less, but it's the equivalent. It's nice that it's about the children and spitefulness hasn't come into it. There's a massive resentment about single mums who do ok. If it were me and my son, if he was a good dad, I'd put equal resources into helping him set up a home to equally parent his children.

Of course not - they are our children and it benefits them all.

I am male, - she is/was the default - but I wasn't a poor example of a father lol.

It says in the title it's a DIL - I'm assuming this means exP is a woman.

I think it's more unusual if there are no children involved. My mother has a good relationship with her exDIL (although doesn't help her financially or anything like that, DIL is considerably wealthier than her!) because she helps with her ds when needed.

How often did you have the kids? Did you pay child maintenance at or above mandated amount?

And has an excellent relationship with her son (my db) too, and considers him a very good father.

It is not actually necessary to take sides when someone divorces.

Most weekends and paid over the suggested rate and paid for all school trips, uniform, clubs and anything else that was needed.

Why did the relationship end? Maybe you parents think you behaved poorly? Or maybe your parents really like your exDP as a person.

So your parents only option for seeing the kids beyond 'most' (not all) weekends (also do you mean all weekend every weekend or do you mean most of every other weekend?) would have been on your ex's terms.

Also did your ex give up work to be a sahm? Did you contribute to her pension to recognize this?

Was the breakup due to you having an affair?

Ex never worked from 2006 to 2015 - my parents could have seen DS's anytime they wanted, not just when they were with me as they always stayed so friendly - no - I didn't have an affair.

Mum and I have remained great friends with my ex SIL.

I've known her half my life.

She's the mother of my nieces, the grandmother of my great niece - we are all interconnected family.

And we like each other and often meet up.

My brother gets quite grumpy over all that. Let him.

It's quite possible that they love her and see her as part of their world.

My friends ex P/MIL do this type of thing for her and the SC (their GC), and have done for the 10 years since she and their DS split. It’s because their DS treated her very poorly before and after divorce, now barely sees the DC and pays no maintenance. It’s actually more common than you think, when the GP are decent people, and ashamed of the way their DS has behaved.

I'm going on holiday with my ex-MIL next month (as part of a larger family group). I'm paying for her because when I joined their family with 2 primary school age kids that weren't any relation to them, she and her late husband were incredibly welcoming to me and the kids who were treated like biological grandchildren, even when biological grandchildren came along.

Now she's retired with not much money after ex-FIL died prematurely, I earn a good wage and I can give her nice things.

Having said that, although my ex is a prat, we remain on amicable terms, so that makes things easier.

Staying on good terms with the DIL doesn't mean the son was a shit. Just that the PIL seem like decent people who enjoy their ex-DIL and grandchildrens' company and like to spend time and treat them. The doesn't need to be an ulterior motive.

Why have you started a thread about this? Do you not agree with your parents' choice to treat them?

My parents have been divorced for 35 years, and my mum is still in contact with my dad’s parents who are now in their 80/90s. They talk weekly on the phone, and my mum and her new partner travel over 200 miles to see them at least once a year. As a ‘divorced child’ it’s really nice to have both sides of my family interacting.

My exSIL is still very much part of our family and she and my DM have a great relationship. We all went to her subsequent remarriage. She is much nicer than my DB!

I'd say that it's a combination of wanting to do the best by the DGC, wanting to stay close to them through her, and possibly an element of misplaced guilt that their son has left his family. Even if you consider yourself innocent in the split, then your parents may not feel its ideal that you aren't with your family and may be compensating on your behalf. They may also love your ex. If my DS and DiL split up, she'd have to have done something pretty awful and I'd have to be convinced by son had done nothing before I'd withdraw my love from her, and I'd probably still help her for DGC sake.

I would presume your parents wanted to foster a close relationship with their grandchildren and DIL. If they can afford to pay for things like holidays and uniform, I think it's very nice that they do so. Do you have your children 50% of the time?