Aibu to cut contact with my mum for good

[Youlookgorge]

My mother was neglectful when I was growing up, and my father was an abusive bully. They haven't been together since my early twenties. I could never speak to my father again, he is racist, sexist, homophonic, hateful and cruel, he physically and mentally abused me.

With my mum the neglect manifested in essentially ignoring me for really large chunks of my life. She was very strict with me, to the point it was impossible to get to know one another and she certainly never made no effort to do so. She is a very cold, hateful, judgemental and negative woman with no friendships or passions, I would say also agoraphobic and had her own mental health issues. She had so much rage and I really felt like she hated me growing up, blamed a lot of her problems on me. At some point she stopped doing anything for me and I took on a lot of adult stuff like washing clothes and feeding myself and getting myself to school very early and had jobs from about 13. She and my dad made it clear that i wasn't really welcome in her home. She was disinterested in my life, eg what gcses i did, who I hung around with (tbh a lot of other neglected kids whose parents also weren't checking up on them), and from about 15 I started being groomed by a much older man who was also a drug addict, and well that set the tone for the next few years. But I was clever I did manage to scrap through my A levels to get to uni after they asked me to leave at 18.

Fast forward 20 years and I have had a lot of highs and lows; addictions, eating disorders, toxic relationships, self harm, financial instability, poor mental health, generally being quite reckless and at times unstable, but I have managed to retain a career and friendships, I have got sober, done a lot of therapy, somatic work and have healed so many wounds. I have met an amazing man, we are married now and have two small children, nice house, a business and I have a lot of love and great community around me having moved far away from my family of origin.

I have kept low contact with my mum, she knows v little about my life and it has been an extremely superficial relationship for as long as I remember, i mean its never not been that. From pregnancy with my first child she began to be unhelpful and mean to the point it was affecting my mental health. She really upset me at my wedding also. Since having kids I realise the full extent of her neglect and have had a lot of flashbacks and have been diagnosed with complex ptsd. I decided I needed a break from her completely, so I could learn how to be a mother without her judgement and influence. I have done a lot of work with therapists and healers to get to the point where I do forgive her, and have empathy, she is obviously neuro diverse herself and had a traumatic childhood of her own, she is definitely very emotionally immature, definitely has mental health issues (traumatic birth with me and undiagnosed PND which I am not sure she ever recovered from) and has a small emotional bandwidth. In a way I think she does love me but I also get the feeling - and have done forever - that there is part of her that hates and resents me, and there's something quite sadistic about her, that scares me. I don't trust her tbh. I haven't gone into detail here about all her wrong doings but there are lots more.

Anyway i have given her the top line as to why I was unhappy during childhood and how this impacted me and have told her i forgive her. I wanted to avoid character assassinations because I don't know where that will get us. But she says she needs more info as to what she did wrong as she doesn't understand what she is being forgiven for. She has always shut me down and has obviously done no self reflection in the two years we have not spoken. For me, I have let it go, I am a busy mum to young kids, I don't want to go over it again and retraumatise myself again.

We haven't spoken in two years, she has never met my second child. Nor made any attempt. I got in contact to let her know she is forgiven, to say let's move on, do you want to see the kids as I know she is not in great health and I wanted to give her this opportunity. Yet again she wants me to justify why I feel the way I feel. I have said I don't want to go there and let's focus on the kids and future generations. She has not responded.

I am just wondering if I should just walk away now? She has never been a mother to me, so I am not missing anything and my own family are more than enough for me. It was more for her than me.

I just wanted some advice on how I proceed and move on whilst protecting my own energy.

I don't think you'll necessarily ever get a peaceful relationship from her OP. You give her the opportunity to leave the past behind and step forward into something better and she doesn't want to.

Some people can't live with knowing they've done something wrong; she wants to browbeat you into telling her she wasn't a bad mother and did nothing to forgive.

You have done amazingly, fantastically well to forge the life you have now and your children are so lucky to have a cycle breaker for their mother. You have done for them what your mother couldn't or wouldn't do for you. I hope you're really proud of yourself, and I wish you all the best.

Walk away. You are doing great without her, and evidently she was doing fine without you. There’s nothing to gain here.

She will never admit to any wrongdoings or apologise, she tries to deflect it back on to you. It might be easier to forgive her inabilities and just leave her in the past. She doesn’t seem interested in you or your kids, I’m guessing she is totally self absorbed.

Thank you for your comments and kind words, it means a lot. Do you think I should block her / delete her number? I feel like I need some kind of closure

Oh my dear @Youlookgorge
So much pain. You were VERY badly let down.
You have something worthwhile now; your life, your husband, your career, your children, which your damn mother has nothing to do with.
You were diagnosed with CPTSD. That’s serious. I know only too well. Somatic healing, so hard. Your poor body.

Let her go. She has done so little for you.

Your mother is not going to have an epiphany and suddenly become a decent person.
Sadly, it is not going to happen.
The work YOU have done is nothing short of miraculous. Seriously.
A lot of neglected children do not recover in adultihood. You do know that, don’t you?
Forget this woman. She was a crap parent. Look to the future. It’s not some glib comment. I am you in the future. My children are grown up now.
Had to learn how to be a decent parent and how to love. I had the same experiences as you. Eating disorders and you can guess the rest.
Get your life. Run to it. Run to your future, Do not look back to her. She is so harmful. Do not let anyone undo the huge amount of work you have done.

Thank you so much @WiganWoman- you are right in that she has done very little for me and nothing good in my life is because of her, its despite her. I guess I am just wondering how to get closure myself. Two years i have left my DMs open waiting for her to be interested, she never even checked in to see how the birth went with my son. I just cannot imagine being so cold. Enough is enough and I never want to see or speak to her again. I wanted to give my kids an opportunity to meet her but there is no benefit to them. I need to figure out how to explain who she is and why we don't speak, my three year old is really intuitive and curious and think it won't be long before she ask questions, 'so if nanny is dads mum then who is yours?'
I know its not my fault that I have no contact with her and the alternative is not good, but it does make explanations challenging and confronting for me x

Thank you yes - cycle breaking is what I want for my children. My parenting style is different, and I have a lot more parenting ahead of me because they are both under 3, but I have started with the fundamentals such as co sleeping where needed and breast feeding and being as present for them as I can be. They are defo happy kids and that's everything for me x

You’ve done so much healing and extended her more grace than many could. You offered forgiveness, set boundaries, and gave her the chance to be part of your life again — and she still couldn’t meet you there.

At this point, it’s okay to let go. Protecting your peace, your energy, and your children is more important than keeping a door open for someone who refuses to acknowledge the harm they caused. You’re not being cruel — you’re setting a boundary. And that’s brave. ❤️

She will never change - not for you, not for your kids, not for the prospect of something better, not for herself, not by some fluke, and certainly not because she will ever put the effort and self-reflection in that you have. And that is NOT on you. Protect your peace and all the truly amazing work you have done to give yourself and your kids a better life. Block her and delete her number, contact details, etc. so that you don’t feel tempted to reach out.

Have you told her exactly what you forgive her for OP? As in, concrete examples? I'm wondering whether, because of ND, she isn't getting the nuance of the situation and so doesn't really know what you mean.

Going no contact is a difficult decision that only you can make unfortunately OP. However given what you have said; you're either looking at continuing low contact, or no contact. You don't need to explain the whys and the hows at this stage, it will only be damaging to yourself and she is incapable of self reflection and empathy. If she's sadistic, she will likely use what you say against you and turn the narrative into making herself the victim and making you feel guilty.

Live Abuse Free on YT who has a series of videos that really empathise with a daughter who goes non contact with her narcissistic mother (and rightly so in this case it seems). It's a bit triggering but it might help - no one makes these decisions lightly and the lengths this particular mother has gone to maintain the narrative that she (the mother) is the victim. In any case you're completely right to be focusing on your own family, and your kids future.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G-DS5ofYiUU&pp=ygUWbGl2ZSBhYnVzZSBmcmVlIG1vdGhlctIHCQnBCQGHKiGM7w%3D%3D

Sadly you won’t be achieve closure through her. She’s not capable or willing to give you what you need. Interacting with her will only cause more pain and absorb emotional energy better spent on yourself and your family. Block her and don’t contact her again. If you need closure, which is understandable, find a way within yourself to find it. Good luck.

I do think that you should block her and delete her number. Currently by leaving some communication channels open, you are hoping that somehow the scales will fall from her eyes and she will recognise and apologise for her abusive and neglectful mothering of you. This will never ever happen. You need to close every door and lock them. You have managed to build a great life against all the odds and you need to concentrate on the people you love and who love you.

I don’t think you should have told her you’ve “forgiven” her - when she clearly doesn’t have the capacity to understand or face what she’s done. Id have kept that to myself. Perhaps lay it out more clearly now you’ve said it, to give her the opportunity to reflect. She was clearly suffering from your abusive father too on top of everything else.

For what it’s worth, I cut contact with my mother for similar reasons but perhaps not quite as extreme as yours, after doing therapy and on the therapists advice. When she died suddenly, I had a huge breakdown that took about a year to function properly again. But looking back, I doubt things would have ever resolved had I have kept trying with her. It’s hard

I have said that I didn't feel loved, understood, protected, supported, encouraged, and that the environment was dysfunctional, unkind and cold. I have tried to keep things about my feelings because its hard to argue with how someone feels, and tried to avoid a personal attack on her. There are a million micro aggressions and a life time of not being there for me when I needed her. For the most part, its not what she did, its what she didn't do. She has had two years of no contact to get curious, including finding out the sex and name of my second child and possibly checking in to see how me and baby were doing. It seems she has done no emotional work in this time. If it was my kid I would be fighting tooth and nail to save the relationship and be in my grand child's life. When presented with an opportunity to do no work on herself, but simply meet her grand child, she decided to make it about her and her ego. Whether she is neuro diverse or not, at some point an adult needs to take responsibility for their mental health and how they fit into the world. I reflect every day on how I am doing as a parent. Clearly never did this and for that I actually forgive her but I definitely don't want her in my life anymore

@Youlookgorgei think you have to accept she is not mentally able to see your perspective and she never will be. Maybe she isn’t strong enough to listen/ understand the past? Maybe she will just always run away from any negative feelings.maybe she understands exactly but can't articulate herself so avoiding you is easier.

you are amazing in your recovery and in finding forgiveness. Your children are lucky to have such a strong mother. Try not to think about what your daughter may feel she is missing, she may never feel a gap.

try not to expect anything from your mother, I fear it will only lead to disappointment. If you block her you will never know if she tries to reach out. Maybe the control is good for you, maybe a little bit of you waits for a message to arrive and knowing it definitely won’t is actually helpful.

Yes I think there is a little part of me that hopes one day she might message and be interested in my kids, its not about me really. But I think this some kind of healing fantasy. I think its best to severe all ties now

This. Contact will never bring you peace, quite the reverse. NC is the only safe way to go - focus on your own family and your own mental health. I’m sorry you never had the mum you deserve.

I suspect if you remove all ties you will feel a weight is lifted off you and you have taken back control. I’m sure a little bit of you has apprehension around Christmas and their birthdays, watching your phone and double checking the post. That will be gone and you will be more free to enjoy your family. You deserve to be free now, you could never be free when you were a minor/ child. now you do have choices and embrace them so you can be the best version of yourself.

You really owe her absolutely nothing. If it was more of a borderline case of neglect i think taking such a rash decision would be difficult, but here it is clear cut.

You will never get anything positive from this relationship. You have done so well in your life. Concentrate on your own children and their future. You are giving them so much more than you had. Focus on that.

I think actually spelling it out once again for one last time might give me closure then block

Just looking at your happy children should give you all the closure you need.
Stop allowing her to live in your head. She doesn’t deserve that space.

OP you have so done so well to deal with your trauma and turn your life around.

I would focus on yourself and your own family.

Toxic people like your mother are unable to self-reflect and they never change.

She will never be the mother you would like to have or accept that she did anything wrong.

If she has not been in contact with you for two years then I think you need to accept that there is no relationship there and to just get on with your life.

You don't need a big show down with her before you cut contact either

She will never accept your point of view no matter what you do or say.

Block her and let go.

Something you could do is write everything you would like to say to her in a letter. You don't need to send it out to her. Just express everything/let it out on paper as it might help you move on.

Speaking from experience, giving her opportunities to change into someone understanding and caring, is a form of self-harm on your part. Offering yourself and your children up and saying let’s move forwards when you KNOW the type of person she is, is absolute madness. I get why you do it, but you’re prolonging the agony of your relationship by leaving doors open to her. If someone can abuse their child, ie you, and treat them so callously, you do not want them around your children - right?

You sound like you’ve done everything in your power to break the cycle. So why invite the actual nucleus of this cycle to join in and be part of what you’ve worked so hard to create for yourself? You don’t deserve to be treated the way she’s treated you, and she is an abuser. What would you gain from her being in your life? Just so you can say “my mum this” or “my mum that” when you’ll be in intensive therapy dealing with the way she treats you, and spending time mitigating the way she is with your children (if she can muster up interest in them!). Again, I speak from experience, don’t do it to yourself. Abusers who aren’t interested in your children are best left blocked and far away where they belong. Don’t keep picking at that scab, she hasn’t changed and won’t change. I know it’s painful to have a mum who isn’t like the ones other people have, it’s always going to be a wound that you have to keep an eye on and soothe. But don’t ruin all the work you’ve done to recover and be a different mum to your own children, by trying to mould her into a sweet little nanny. Saying all of this with understanding and kindness, I promise. Be better to yourself, stop inviting the vampire into the house.