School mum friend making comments about my baby's weight

[Iammeltin]

**weight. Can an admin change it in the title please?

I have a school “friend” mum (I used the friend loosely as she’s starting to annoy me and we are only acquainted by our kids).

She has a 13 month old and I have a 6 month old.

We both have children in year 2 ( that’s why we know each other).

Shes can be really nice and giving and always offering to help out with our elder child if we need it (we haven’t but she offers).

However, since I’ve had a baby - she keeps commenting on how small she is. How her baby is so chubby. She even commented on my child’s clothes saying “oh my child couldn’t fit into that sort of style of clothes as she’s so chubby”. My baby was screaming once as she needed a nappy change. She commented on how her child never screams and is always content.

My husband said hello to her the other day and she plain out ignored him - we think it’s because he talks to another parent who doesn’t like her. My husband talks to everyone and why should we pick sides. It’s not high school - we are there for our kids.

She gave me a jacket her baby got for her birthday as it’s too tight for her chunky baby.

Her comments don’t make sense as she said her eldest child was chunky and now he’s under doctors supervision as he no longer eats and my eldest is a really good eater. So I could say, what did having a chubby baby get you with your eldest child? But I wouldn’t because that’s not the person I am.

She’s foreign, so I was putting it down different cultures etc but not sure anymore.

We went out for lunch the other day and her husband joined us, and I brought along my baby as hers was in nursery and mine was not. She kept going on about how petite she was, then mentioned how petite another child’s baby was in the school.

Her husband realised and said her baby is healthy and that’s when she stopped.

How would you deal with her? Do I distance myself? I feel like she’s only going to get worst as they get older?

Be an adult and tell her to stop. If she doesn’t then ditch her.

Do you think she is insecure because her baby is ‘bigger’? People are weird about babies. I would just say frankly - babies come in all different shapes and sizes, they’re all healthy and that’s that. Don’t engage with it and if she keeps on, see her less.

I had something similar happen with an NCT friend when our children were babies (they're eight now). She took her once when I needed both hands to do something and said "ooh, she's so petite, so light etc etc". I was very upset (not directly to her!) and have never forgotten it because it made me feel so awful. But in retrospect I can see that she meant nothing by it - it was just an innocent comment because her baby was much more solid. I took it badly because, like many mums, I was terrified of her not being properly fed and nourished. She was EBF so I couldn't measure anything. At eight she is perfectly healthy and growing, but still slight in build, although quite tall, and doesn't have a huge appetite. I still worry about it all a bit, but can mostly talk myself down, because the evidence that she is fine is right in front of me!
It sounds as if she has some misguided pride in her baby's weight. If you want to be friends with her then you'll have to train yourself to ignore it. Or just ditch her!!

Definately not insecure! She’s loves the fact her baby is chubby - the thing is her baby WAS chubby, she’s just normal now at 13 month old. My child is actually on the 75th percentile so above average. So not sure what is the point of her comments? Her child apparently eats and that’s all she does.

Plus my elder child is tall and healthy and her elder child who is the same age is really short and doesn’t eat so I don’t get why she needs to make those comments?

My elder child also won awards at the sports day and she didn’t congratulate or anything. Whereas I would have if it was the other way round,

I misread your title and thought she was commenting on your weight as in 'baby weight' gained in pregnancy and not lost yet.

So she's constantly making comparisons between your baby and hers. Is she critical of your baby or does she just have extreme anxiety that her baby might be overweight? Just reassure her that babies come in all shapes and sizes and it probably means her baby is going to be tall. My DS was a really chunky baby but just grew upwards like a beanpole since the age of about 4. 6ft 2 and still going. Never been chubby since he started moving.

People are bizarrely competitive about babies. Including what they eat. To be honest, this will likely not get any better and I’d distance myself. She will compete throughout school. You’re better to put those boundaries in now.

Is your baby healthy? Are you happy with your baby? Do you want a chubby baby? Surely a healthy baby is what we should aim for. Just ignore her comments. Perhaps she comes from a culture where food has been scarce in the recent past and a chubby baby was seen as a good thing.

My ds was described by one of my friends as a 'skinny little rabbit' when he was a baby. He continued to be a skinny child all the way through school despite eating a lot.

Now he's over 6', has a 28" waist, swims for his county and couldn't look healthier. It seems being a skinny child is not so bad.🙂

You are acting like saying your baby is petite is an insult? I’d just smile and says ‘yes she’s so cute’! And treat her comments like a compliment! As you say babies come in all sizes and baby weight doesn’t always have bearing on their weight as a child.
However if she continues to do all these comparisons and makes you uncomfortable then do back off.

I think you are reading too much into the chubby vs petite baby thing as neither is an insult

I can't imagine wanting to hang around someone who constantly compares their children to mine.
Everyone is different.

Maybe she's worried her baby is too big? And she said her other kid now doesn't eat well so she's showing you her kids are far from perfect.

She may have ED or had problems getting enough food growing up?

It could be her way of showing her anxiety about her own children.

But ignoring your husband is rude and petty.
I'd say try and take everything she says with a pinch of salt, or give her a wide berth.

Why are you offended/upset by it? This wouldnt bother me at all.

Why is chubby = good whilst petite = bad?

My DD was small and dainty, I never had a problem with anyone observing that. DS is a right chunk, and again, no problem with people noticing. Babies are cute whatever size they are 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had a relative like this - their baby was 8 months older than mine. All I ever heard was what a great eater he was, how chubby he was, how picky my baby was, how often mine threw up (bad reflux), how much lighter mine felt when lifted.

It came from insecurity too - partly due to some developmental delays with their baby. Insecurity/competitive jealousy is usually at the root of this kind of competitive parenting. I'd ask her to stop or distance myself.

It wouldn't bother me, but if it's bothering you and she is not from the UK, I'd simply say to her, 'It's considered rude to make remarks like that in English. We see it as being not acceptable to make comments around weight - even for babies and children'.

Said in a calm tone.

Oh I forgot to mention, she told me my baby had a unibrow too and I should sort it before it becomes a problem.

People do this all the time. My husband was really tall, my son has always been shorter. Even as babies his sister would compare her baby to ours saying isn’t he big, isn’t he massive comparing to ours. If felt like a dig because our son wasn’t taking after his dad. I just rolled my eyes and ignored her.

my bro is the same either way his kids/- there not even tall.

That's not cultural, she is trying to be hurtful, or 'put you in your place'. I'll ease off contact.

Nothing changes 😂50 years ago I remember there were mothers like this, constantly comparing, and making other mothers worry about their child's development. The funniest was when they started to talk, and one child was reported to have said 'tuna fish' and 'geography' at about 18 months, he may well have done, but I was in bits! wondering what kind of conversation you would have with a baby, that included that!

Hello @Iammeltin - we've edited the title now.

Me and my cousin have to deal with stuff like this all the time. We have babies at the same time, mine is on the 99centile for weight, height and head. Hers is on the 40th. Everyone comments on how dainty and petite her baby is and my DS now has the nickname of Big friendly giant, or Hank. Its one of those things. Everyone compares babys. She sounds self absorbed though and a little socially blind. Some people don't want to hear that their baby is small/big. Read the room x

I don’t understand how people stay friends with people who do this. I know my DM distanced herself from so done should these kind of comparisons because they were very clearly digs, not genuine signs of interest in baby development, but my MIL admitted that her lifelong friend of over 60 years did this repeatedly when my DH and her friend’s son were babies of a similar age. I don’t know how she put up with it.

It could be anxiety fuelled or competitive comparison.
If you're finding her comments or presence irksome, then just pull back from spending time with her. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you just need to tell her to stop it and if she doesn't, don't meet her.

In a few years time, you'll back and cringe at all this really unimportant shit OP.

'She said this, I said that'.

It's all bollocks and if you can't see it now, you'll see in the future and realise how much energy you've wasted on it.

She's proud of her baby, you're proud of yours.

🤷‍♂️

Definetly distance yourself. Those comments are just rude and unnecessary