To think some people are just lonely people!

[ArtfulGoldWriter]

Sorry, weird thread title but I don’t know how else to describe myself other than an inherently lonely person and I wondered if anyone else feels like this!

I am 52, have 2 teenage kids and a partner of over 20 years. I wouldn’t say I am that happy in the relationship and maybe this is partly key to what I am about to say.

I have friends- old friends of over 30 years, mum friends, work friends, uni friends, friends I have met through old jobs, through travelling etc. I see people regularly and have people to talk to. I am known as being sociable and ‘always doing something’.

But somehow I still feel lonely all the time- empty and like I don’t belong anywhere. And I can’t seem to get to the bottom of it- I’ve felt like this my whole life. Like I am filling up my life because if I stopped and looked at it, I would really have to face how lonely I feel.

I think I can trace a lot of it back to emotionally unavailable parents - they got divorced when I was 10 and both remarried, one parent had more kids and so my sister and I got kind of dumped in the middle. She doesn’t seem to feel like I do but it’s clearly had a profound affect on me. My dad is no longer here but my mum is still emotionally unavailable.

So I think I have spent my whole life feeling like this and I am quite tired by it. I feel like nothing fulfils me despite having a job I like etc. I feel like I have spent my life feeling on the outside of everything.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Or feel similar? I feel like I am constantly asking myself what is wrong with me!

I’m not exactly the same but I have had feelings like this so can relate a bit. If it’s something you want to change (which it sounds like), I’d either think back to times when you did feel more fulfilled/satisfied and reflect on those/try to grt yourself into similar situations; or if it is literally “never” try to imagine what kind of situation you think might feel less lonely - for example a group event or activity? One on one time? Therapy? Journaling? Going to a performance? And then, daunting as it sounds, try out those things and see.

The only time I didn’t feel like this was when my children were young ie 0 - 10ish. They took up all my time, my energy, my love etc etc. But my default position is sad and lonely. Even when I’m not, I am.

I guess there are people, old friends, that make me feel less like this. Maybe because I have known them 30 years. It probably doesn’t help that my partner is really anti social and so that makes me feel worse even though I have tried to build my own life socially. We don’t have a couple social life at all.

Your childhood events sound devastating to me -how sad to be the unneeded ones in the middle. I didn’t have a particularly happy childhood but all that upheaval would be a lot to deal with.
I saw a psychologist who used emdr to deal with some childhood stuff of mine and it worked! You put it behind you and it doesn’t haunt you. I would at least have some counselling if I was you.
Editing to say that stuff did come back to me more forcibly once DCs had left home and there was more time to dwell.

Yes! Same! It’s my default position too!

Yes - I have had a bit of therapy and it wasn’t really enough so maybe I will try EMDR - it sounds interest in and has been recommended before.

has it helped you do you think?

Would it help to label it as just a ‘feeling’? They aren’t ‘real’ as such, just a wash of chemicals and neurons firing. You don’t have to validate it or give it any weight. You can class it as a trigger mechanism left over from childhood, like a dusty old book in the back corner of the book case that you occasionally notice.

We don’t perceive the world particularly accurately. We see what we expect to see, and miss what we aren't looking for. You can work on that, but it takes significant effort and gets tiring.

Personally I’m more of the ‘ignore it and it will become less important’ approach.

Like I am filling up my life because if I stopped and looked at it, I would really have to face how lonely I feel. You've written the solution here - stop and look at it, so you can feel it and then resolve it.

You might benefit from committing to a significant stretch of counselling.

Yes, I had some very upsetting things happen which I’d spent my life putting to the back of my mind. It did seem to deal with them - I remember them if I specifically think of them now otherwise they’ve gone along with the worst of the sad feelings and shame they invoked.

That’s really interesting thanks - it does give me a different perspective to label it as just a feeling!

You remind me very much of myself OP. - Never feeling as though I belong, always lonely, and damaged by childhood emotional neglect.

I have recently been given an unofficial diagnosis that I'm Autistic. A very late in life diagnosis. It's given me some relief to know I'm biologically programmed to be the way I am, that it's not my fault. And also to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.

Yes I think you are right! I’ve had some therapy over the years but none that really got to the heart of it

Glad your diagnosis has helped you - i know a few people who it has helped. I do have some traits, more ADHD - but it’s been hard to seperate out from menopause too - it’s there in the background though.

Yes childhood trauma with emotionally unavailable parents can leave adults feeling profoundly lonely. I can’t exactly say how I managed to get through it, feeling a lot of pain, a lot of therapy, a lot of truly learning about what I had experienced and a willingness to fully accept what I didn’t get in life and I don’t feel that way anymore.

Emotional unavailability of parents really damages children and it is very hard to fathom what wasn’t there not like when you have something tangible that you know happened, what didn’t happen and should have happened is very tricky to process. I’m sorry you experienced that. I was abused as a young child by a family member but by far and away it was having parents I could never hope to rely on emotionally in that experience and all other childhood difficulties that caused me the most damage.

So sorry you have had difficult childhood experiences too 💐

I think for me it’s menopause and age that have brought it even more to the surface.

But weirdly hearing and speaking to people on threads like this really does help too.

Sorry you have experienced it too xx

It can be difficult to feel like you're on the periphery of your family and not have that default sense of belonging that society expects.

There was a comment on a thread about frequency of DC seeing grandma yesterday along the lines of "how can you not find it relaxing to go round to your mum's house?". Very easily! And a multitude of reasons are avaliable. That can be doubly isolating, for the situation itself, and for that regular default assumption that people fit into a loving family.

When discussing mental health in young people, a facet that isn't explored much is family seperation and instability. It's good that difficult relationships don't have to be endured, but how that's dealt with and the formation of future relationships is important, and the consequences carry long into adulthood.

It's difficult when there is a mismatch of social energy in your household, and it tends to be best to use that social energy up elsewhere.

I wasn't popular at secondary school, but one big moment that defined me after hearing laughter behind me and feeling paranoid that it was about me, was realising that it didn't matter. I like myself. I do interesting and useful things, and I didn't need random approval.

I think socialisng with the right people can make a difference. You can feel lonely with people even more so than alone. In my experience superficial conversations and facades just for the sake of doing a hobby or activity left me feeling exhausted and more empty inside. Time spent having a real conversation with a lot of waffle can be a lot more enriching, especially if you are being your authentic self.

This is not saying that it is your life, its just from what I have learnt. Like others have said, thinking back to situations and looking at times that didn't make you feel like this. Exploring a new therapy that will help pick this apart for you.

I am quite a lonely person myself, my life and experiences are different of course. But I know how awful it feels whether it be youre around people a lot or you aren't, so hope that it improves for you and you are happier. Xx

I had a friend when I was a student who was extremely lonely. We made the effort with him for years, and so did he to be fair. Came on nights out, even a couple of holidays.

But it would very often end in him getting upset because he couldn't fit in, and didn't really want to try. He'd come out, or come away, and end up standing in a corner on his own being miserable if anyone tried to talk to him, or grumbling at whatever plans we made. Sometimes he'd cry.

At one point we thought it was for attention, but it became clear pretty quickly that attention was the last thing he wanted. He'd been assessed for autism a few times apparently, but always came back negative.

For the third year, he got a room in a shared house with some older people rather than staying with students. He gradually faded away. Sometimes we'd see him on his own in a pub and he'd nod and move away. He worked at the cinema, so we'd bumped into him in there and he'd wave us through without paying, but never say anything.

Years later he popped up on Facebook. His account had a profile picture of him stood next to an old stone cottage in the country somewhere, but he'd never posted anything, and the only friend connections were his family. A couple of us sent him friend requests, but he never accepted.

I do think about him a lot and worry if he's still with us; he just seemed so lonely in the world, like he didn't belong. I hope he's ok.

I don’t think you sound lonely I think you sound empty. I personally have no religious faith but I do envy people that genuinely do ( rather than going through the motions) because there must be a lot of peace in that. I think you have to get to a place of some acceptance with the situation and whether that’s through therapy or some other process I don’t know. I don’t want to glibly say “volunteering” is an answer to it all but there may be some fulfilment in some volunteer roles that would give you some connection with other people who need help.

Hi op I grew up with emotional neglect and it has damaged me too. I spent the first 40 years of my life bending over backwards for others and trying to form friendships. I have had many friendships over that time but in the last ten years many attempts in a new town haven't really worked out and I have felt rejected. However I have my young family husband and a few close friends. I have got used to living with feeling lonely somtetimes now and have come to accept it. Very good friends are hard to find. Really the friendship we need is within. The approval and love we need we can find within ourselves x

Is your husband emotionally unavailable, similar to your parents?

Sometimes people do marry someone like their parents without being aware of it. Obviously, that can be a good thing but that subconscious seeking out of the familiar can lead us to the wrong partner. If he is like your parents perhaps the feeling of loneliness continued because you haven’t felt loved. If there is some truth in that maybe realising it will help or might give you a starting point for change.

Yes I think he is and I think that’s very true. I think I initially got together with him because I was searching for stability but it’s not really given me that. We are about to start therapy!!

A little , I have adhd and possibly autistic. Tbh a lot of 1.1 relationships can be quite intense especially in modern age of instant messaging and social media.

I have in the past done a lot of meditation and realised that left to own devices without much stimulation my brain is an incredibly boring place to be after a while 😂

So it's about getting the right balance of stimulation and quiet.

Also agree about having higher purpose- doing something outside you that feels more important than yourself if that makes sense, charity, community involvement type thing. V fulfilling.

So much of your post resonates, it's almost reassuring to hear how others feel, although I'm sorry so many people also feel like this.

I always feel on the outside despite having a lovely husband, two great kids and quite a few friends. I still never feel that closeness to friends that others seem to experience. My parent has said they often feel a similar way, I know they had very emotionally unavailable parents as well as a lot of childhood trauma. Sadly my child has also said they struggle to feel as close as the others in their friendship group. I do wonder if it's just a trait we all have. I don't often feel lonely as I also keep busy - previous posters suggesting counselling fills me with dread as I can't face digging into it all so I just keep busy and try not to think about it too much.