To think some people are just lonely people!

[ArtfulGoldWriter]

Sorry, weird thread title but I don’t know how else to describe myself other than an inherently lonely person and I wondered if anyone else feels like this!

I am 52, have 2 teenage kids and a partner of over 20 years. I wouldn’t say I am that happy in the relationship and maybe this is partly key to what I am about to say.

I have friends- old friends of over 30 years, mum friends, work friends, uni friends, friends I have met through old jobs, through travelling etc. I see people regularly and have people to talk to. I am known as being sociable and ‘always doing something’.

But somehow I still feel lonely all the time- empty and like I don’t belong anywhere. And I can’t seem to get to the bottom of it- I’ve felt like this my whole life. Like I am filling up my life because if I stopped and looked at it, I would really have to face how lonely I feel.

I think I can trace a lot of it back to emotionally unavailable parents - they got divorced when I was 10 and both remarried, one parent had more kids and so my sister and I got kind of dumped in the middle. She doesn’t seem to feel like I do but it’s clearly had a profound affect on me. My dad is no longer here but my mum is still emotionally unavailable.

So I think I have spent my whole life feeling like this and I am quite tired by it. I feel like nothing fulfils me despite having a job I like etc. I feel like I have spent my life feeling on the outside of everything.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Or feel similar? I feel like I am constantly asking myself what is wrong with me!

Thanks - it’s reassuring that it’s maybe quite common 🩷

This. 100%. It’s not easy but something I have realised and am still a work in progress!

Yes I feel like this and always have. I had emotionally unavailable parents too and despite a lot of therapy I haven't shaken off the emptiness, although I function a lot better as a result. I was bullied at school and I think my social awkwardness stems from that too as I never feel I belong anywhere.

Sad and lonely is pretty much my default position.
That's not to say I am always unhappy, nor do I not experience joy, but there's a persistent dull ache that never really goes away.
I can be very upbeat, have a lot of energy, be great company etc, but it's always there.
I think there's always been something lacking in me. From childhood, I've never felt truly connected to anyone or anything.
I'm ND and had a pretty traumatic upbringing (poverty, alcholic Mum, abuse of various kinds etc), but even though I've taken responsibility for my life as an adult, I still possess that...void.
Christina Rossetti articulates it far better than I could ever hope to in L.E.L.:

Down-stairs I laugh, I sport and jest with all:
But in my solitary room above
I turn my face in silence to the wall;
My heart is breaking for a little love.

I can identify with this feeling.

Thank you for sharing so vulnerably.

Yes, yes and yes is the answer! I lost my Dad at 14, very suddenly which tore my world apart. My parents were also older and had first marriages and much older siblings.

Reflecting now and after a lot of therapy, I realise that my Mum had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma. She did her best for us but I realise now she was somewhat emotionally unavailable. She was very much there in the practical sense and very kind and loving but she didn’t really know how to guide a child as she’d never learned it (all the emotional stuff)

I didn’t feel lonely in high school or my twenties as I feel in with popular, social and pretty groups of girls. However most of these friendships all ended very dramatically and I now realise were very intense and co dependent. I was very good at fitting in and people pleasing and relied on my looks, charm and getting drunk and lot to get my through. Same story with boyfriends, many many unsuitable and unavailable men followed.

I unravelled in my late thirties and after two children, I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful kids, a lovely home and great job on paper but I still feel incredibly lonely a lot of the time and like I don’t belong.

I live in the area that he grew up in and I put it down to that but I’ve lost both parents now and only have contact with my brother, from my family origin. I put much of it down to that but it’s a horrible feeling and I’m working on lots of therapy to help!

I can count my true friends on one hand and none of them live super close so we probably only catch up on average a few times a year (one I see every couple of months but we have very different lifestyles, she is single with no children)

I used to be very sociable with tons of friends but now I’m sober due to health issues in the past and I’m weary as I’ve been burned a few times but women I thought were best friends.

I feel I’ve become more sensitive and more discerning the older I’ve gotten with very little tolerance for small talk and people who aren’t authentic.

Im not sure what the answer is but I just want you to know that you’re not alone! On the plus side I do think it has given me incredible emotional awareness with my own children and they are thriving! x

I know this sounds like a really bad cliche, but it is actually true: you have to learn to be your own best friend. Then you are never alone without the company of someone who likes you, has your best interests at heart etc.

It took me until I was 50 to realise this. I did lots of work on self-compassion, self-acceptance, self-care and learning to absolutely love my own company.

It made me a lot less sociable! But happier inside. Like you I used to feel empty inside. I truly believe we need to connect with ourselves first before we ever feel like we belong anywhere else.

I have “friends” but no one close and a very patchy social life, whereas I’d love to be out all the time and am often lonely and also feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I’ve always assumed I must be ND and doing something wrong and that’s why most people don’t seem to care, even though we get on well when we talk. I am however fortunate in having a fantastic DH who is my best friend and we have a lovely life together. The lack of a solid relationship must make things much worse. I had a physically secure upbringing, but completely devoid of emotion, but I don’t tend to think that that any any impact on my later relationships, though my self-esteem is a different matter!

Thank you for starting this thread OP. You are not alone.

I'm guessing you are in your 40s or 50s and in my experience I think many people get to that point in their life and start examining things closely. It's like you finally have time and distance from childhood and how it impacted on you to see things more clearly. I you deal with things then the future can be different, if not perhaps the issues will stay with you.

My parents were emotionally unavailable and unreliable. It left me a people pleaser and feeling empty and simply not enough. I could feel lonelier around people than on my own, even amongst my good friends. The best description is that I felt hollow and on the outside looking in.

Then when I was in my mid 50s Covid struck and I was forced off the treadmill of keeping busy. What a shock it was to have time to consider things carefully rather than sweep them under the carpet. I had a bit of a breakdown if I'm honest and, when I picked myself up a bit I decided I was going to beat this thing and come out feeling better.

So I went to the library and got a big pile of self help books that seemed relevant, I got a notebook and started reading and writing down my thoughts, doing the exercises in the books. I did this for an hour a day and then went for a walk in the fresh air. I did things I love, saw good friends and got lots and rest. When I finished the books I got more. After a few months of this the need to do it any more just faded away. I felt like I'd shed a skin, left the past behind me and that I'd fully inhabited myself - not some person who existed only in the eyes of others. The emptiness had gone. I felt enough. I even scrapped my notebooks as I knew I wouldn't need them again.

Stopping was key. A full diary used to make me feel whole by masking the problem. I just needed time to work through it in my head.

I can really recommend Phillipa Perry's books. I really wish you well.

Thanks for all your lovely posts- it’s reassuring to know that there are people who feel the same and so much of what many of you have said resonates so much with me 🩷🦋

I understand. For me it's because it is hard to find reciprocal and genuine connections. Hugs x

I would check you’re not autistic. This is default feeling you’ve described, made worse by past trauma. In 15 years, many, many of us will all be diagnosed and this will be normalised more from the get-go.

Emotionally unavailable/ unkind / uncaring parents will do this. I always believed I must have been a twin and they were still out there somewhere. Its a deep longing that wasnt fulfilled and never really will be

Oh my goodness this is me.

i feel this 😢

I definitely recognise this feeling. I am an only child. I have some cousins but we are not close. I have good parents, but my mother is emotionally quite cold. We would never have a close mother - daughter type conversation for example. I don't have any aunties, and my uncles are not really people I have any kind of relationship with either.

I have a quiet and shy nature, and at school I was always quite 'uncool' and always knew I ranked low in the unofficial social ranking kids have! I went to university, but was quite overwhelmed by the party culture there, so again felt lonely a lot of the time.

Now in my late 30s, I don't have any children, so again I feel like I don't really fit in with society. I have had no opportunity to make 'mum friends' (if that is such a thing). I do have a partner though, which is lovely and makes me feel less alone.

I worry about the future though. I know that one day I could find myself alone again. It seems inevitable really. In some ways I think I was just born to be a loner.

I have considered this but I don’t score highly on tests. I have some ADHD traits but not sure either. I do have PMDD which is a factor in some of how I feel- it’s definitely worse in my luteal phase and has got worse in menopause. I am on sequential HRT which has helped mood wise but the luteal phase still worse.

I definitely recognise this feeling. I am an only child. I have some cousins but we are not close. I have good parents, but my mother is emotionally quite cold. We would never have a close mother - daughter type conversation for example. I don't have any aunties, and my uncles are not really people I have any kind of relationship with either.

This is a double whammy isn't it. Emotionally cold parents don't have easy, close relationships with wider family so the support you could get from aunts, uncles and cousins is restricted.

My cousins and I have all reconnected after the death of our parents and the love and support amongst us is a gift in later life. We missed out on that when we were younger. It would have made life easier and warmer.

Yes, that's very true.

I don't think I have really recognised until recently what a lonely life I have led. I suppose it prepares me for the future though.

It's good to hear that you have reconnected with your cousins. I can't see that ever happening for me, sadly. They are very close (as siblings) and I am very much on the outside. We are quite different people too.

Please can we stop pathologising people?

just because we are human and have struggled does not automatically mean we are autistic! There is a global loneliness epidemic..

I can relate to this. I have had this thought for a few years and I wondered if my default is just meh and being somewhat of a loner but for my default to be a little on the pessimistic side.

I agree with a PP thag mentioned younger children help as you are so focused on them that you can let negative thoughts in your head as much.

Also, I find company makes a huge huge difference. A few years ago I made a difference to invest in my fiends - people I like, not just the mum friends, but people who I have amazing conversations with. I love the time o spend with them but I also have a small friendship circle which makes me wonder if that’s part of my “being alone” trait.

To get out of the mindset, I try to say something I am grateful for eacj day and i ensure I mean the gratitude

Sending vibes to you - everything here is really resonant, from the emotionally distant parents, and their emotionally distant parents, to not feeling like you belong anywhere, to feeling lonely.

I found it useful to rethink being 'lonely' as being 'numb', because that helped me to look at how I was keeping myself in my own head by flattening down every difficult emotion, avoiding things that might hurt me, avoiding being vulnerable with people, and hiding away. Like another poster says, I couldn't think my way out of this (and my excellent therapist pointed out all the times I was trying to intellectualise a feeling rather than feeling it). I had to do and that meant being brave. I still get trapped in my head sometimes, and can really be knocked off my feet by some things, but being aware of when I'm locking myself down is half the battle won.

I've also found that being vulnerable with people I care for and who care for me *(friends and partners both) goes a huge way to making me feel less lonely and strange.

I think that’s true! I think it can be the default answer and then it means that if you aren’t neurodivergent, it almost makes you feel even more weird as there is no ‘explanation’ for your feelings- if that makes sense?!