Requesting ex to not introduce kids too soon

[Throwaway27]

So I requested the following from my ex-wife after she introduced her last guy to kids after 3 weeks of dating and moved him in after 7 weeks .and I just learned they even met her previous "fxck" buddy including on their birthdays....he was introduced as mummy's friend for a year but they were actually FWB, he went on to stalk her and our kids after she got into a relationship.

1. No introduction to kids before 6 months ,no video calls with them either
2. I should meet him before he meets the kids (last guy turned out to be a drug dealer and has a domestic violence charge )
3. I want their name and DOB to do Claire's law etc

Is this too much to ask ?
I had a 1 year relationship and my kids never even met the person because I respect the kids and trauma these things cause .

She things this is me controlling her. My kids are the main priority here and she put them at risk with her two previous relationships and the men's backgrounds and behaviours.

I can't take chances, her own mum had atleast 6+ men live with them in her childhood and she was abused by some of them so I do not know why she can't see my point and issue here.

OP - I get where you are coming from, as she seems to not be thinking clearly.
However - you cannot expect her to agree to your request. There is no legal basis for this.

You could tell her that if she moves yet another new man in that kids aren’t familiar with - you will contact social services with concerns for your children’s safety.
IF they are in any way unhappy or disturbed by the situation with mother’s bf - you could try to apply to change child arrangements.

If situation is dire - there was a recent poster whose W moved her new BF and his two kids into her 2BR house, and his kids had to share with unfamiliar new kids + mom’s new partner.
Advice was - don’t return kids and file for new child arrangements where she only has kids EOW.

Can you get a court order to become resident parent (if you aren’t already)?

You can ask her to not inflict lovers and criminals on the kids but it can’t be enforced, obviously.

It's not your decision when your ex introduces people to your child. You'd be better off helping your children to be resilient so this doesn't impact them negatively.

Often small children pick up on adults attitude to things so be careful not to make this into a problem for them if it doesn't need to be.

You could tell her that if she moves yet another new man in that kids aren’t familiar with - you will contact social services with concerns for your children’s safety.

Unless you have any reason to suspect that the new man will harm them social services won't be interested and this carries the risk of damaging the co parenting relationship irreparably which would only hurt the kids

Of course you can ask for these boundaries but it doesn't sound like she will take any notice, given her past behaviour. Your only recourse then would be to apply to the courts to be the resident parent, for your children's safety.

It’s nothing to do with you what she does. And to present her with those rules is ridiculous. She will tell you where to stick them!
if you are worried about your children then discuss having more contact with them.
Don’t tell someone else how to live their life.

Sounds control-y to me. Express concerns, but you cannot impose rules or vet her partners.

I don't think it's an unreasonable request, interesting thing is if you were a woman writing this you'd have got totally different responses

I'd have said exactly the same had the roles been reversed

No I don’t think you need to meet him. Why on earth would you? Seems very controlling. Not meeting before 6 months is fine. Wanting the names for a Claire law also seems very controlling.

I would feel the same as you and request the six month thing but I don’t think you can ask to meet them and also she can refuse

You're not unreasonable in what you want. However, it is unrealistic. And unfortunately you can't really do anything about it.

I do have to say that expecting perosnal info for Claire's is something I would not give to my ex. Meeting become introducing to kids? Again, propably wouldnt. Maybe before moving in together.

I understand your concerns, but asking to meet them & to check them out may seem a rather OTT & controlling from her POV.

Personally, if I was in your situation no way would I want to meet my ex's BF/f**k buddy.

At the end of the day, it's not a request that you can enforce & can only serve to antagonise her.

However, given that she has demonstrated poor judgement in the past, you may have a case to become the parent who has residence of the children. However this won't stop her from introducing them to any BFs that she has while they're staying with her for contact visits.

I get where you’re coming from OP and your ex is acting very irresponsibly regarding you DC welfare.

However you can’t make these demands however well intentioned.

In your shoes I would try and have a grown up conversation with her and ask that she waits longer to introduce the kids to any new partners. I would also suggest to her that she does a Claire's Law request before letting any of these men stay in the home when the kids are there.

Unfortunately though you can’t force her to listen to you. The most you can do is make sure your kids are being looked after and keep a watch from a distance to anyone she’s bringing into your kids lives.

You requests are not reasonable and it is you being very controlling. You cannot dictate even though from what you are saying your wife seems irresponsible.

If you think your wife is placing your children at risk of harm you have the right to exercise your parental responsibility and bring the children into your care. She would then have to take it to the family court, if you have a valid concern then the court will uphold your decision.

You could contact your local social care but they would likely tell you to do the above. However they could check if there are any warning markers, safeguarding history and if so they would follow that up but if not it’s up to you.

Social workers would advise your wife to make sure the children were safe before introducing new partners via Claire’s Law etc but again can only advise and not put stipulations on what happens. Sometimes a telephone conversation from a referral team can trigger people to act differently.

This sounds a lot like my cousin.

Bringing in random people without a steady relationship is wrong IMO.

Controlling or not, if your childs welfare is at stake. I would make a fuss about it.

I think it’s reasonable to request the six month thing if you have something like 50/50 or 40/60 custody but if you’re an every other weekend parent then you can’t realistically expect her to be able to date like that without them meeting the DC.

I personally wouldn’t introduce my kids to a new partner before that but my exH has my DC 2-3 nights a week.

Claire’s law thing makes absolute sense to me. You sound like a good dad.

Completely understand the way you feel and why you want to ask that, but unfortunately you have no way of forcing her to agree so if she doesn’t want to then the answer is no.

You are right to be concerned for your children but you can’t control another adult, or tell them what to do.

You can teach your children to tell you their true feelings, be wary of new people and their body safety. And report her to the social services if you have genuine concerns.

I would pursue a good friendship with your ex, this is the best way forward and then hopefully you can both discuss any worries more openly.

I understand where you’re coming from but legally she’s allowed to introduce however many partners whenever she wants (it’s seen as differences in parenting)
You don’t have a legal right to meet the new partner either.

The best thing you can do to protect your kids is to go for 50/50 custody to reduce the time that they are exposed to the new partner.

To me it’s fine to ask to meet a guy before he meets the kids. Especially if there a history of her dating drug dealers or other criminals. I would have no issue this (bit also I wouldn’t want to date drug dealers). I think this is fine because, while her relationships are her business, if she is introducing someone into a more blended family role they become part of your child care team and it just makes sense to meet them and get along with them if you can because these can be very complex stressful relationships.

asking for details so you can do a Claire’s law request does seem a bit nosy but could you ask that she makes the Claire’s law request?

the six month thing seems a bit judgemental. Short relationships aren’t necessarily bad relationships or negative influences on your kids. Also it would restrict what she can do with her own kids and boyfriend which I would not put up with.

also whatever you ask of her I would expect you to be doing at least the same

You can ask but she doesn't have to comply. The Claire's Law idea is a really good one.

Teach or have your kids taught some self defense. Boxing is fairly easy to learn. If they're a bit older, maybe something like Muay Thai.

Let your kids know they can talk to you about anything.

You can absolutely ask for all these things but there's not really a lot you can do if she doesn't agree.

I think it's way, WAY too soon to be introducing a new man, let alone moving them in with her vulnerable children! But short of returning to court to try to get full custody, your hands are probably tied.

In your position, I would ensure to the best of my ability that the children are comfortable and safe, and that they know they can come to you with any concerns.

As far as you meeting these men, or demanding their personal details so you can check their backgrounds - IMO that's where you're veering into unreasonable territory. They're not obliged to meet you to be in a relationship with your ex.

You are not thinking clearly

children’s safety is paramount

Yes you are being unreasonable and very controlling.
legally she can do as she wishes while the children in her care as can you. From a lawyer.