Requesting ex to not introduce kids too soon

[Throwaway27]

So I requested the following from my ex-wife after she introduced her last guy to kids after 3 weeks of dating and moved him in after 7 weeks .and I just learned they even met her previous "fxck" buddy including on their birthdays....he was introduced as mummy's friend for a year but they were actually FWB, he went on to stalk her and our kids after she got into a relationship.

1. No introduction to kids before 6 months ,no video calls with them either
2. I should meet him before he meets the kids (last guy turned out to be a drug dealer and has a domestic violence charge )
3. I want their name and DOB to do Claire's law etc

Is this too much to ask ?
I had a 1 year relationship and my kids never even met the person because I respect the kids and trauma these things cause .

She things this is me controlling her. My kids are the main priority here and she put them at risk with her two previous relationships and the men's backgrounds and behaviours.

I can't take chances, her own mum had atleast 6+ men live with them in her childhood and she was abused by some of them so I do not know why she can't see my point and issue here.

It is. But the op hasn't posted anything that would make social services think the child is unsafe.

Have you ever tried to report anything to social services before? Their threshold for getting involved is far higher than mummy's introduces boyfriends quickly.

I don’t have an issue with the 6 month wait for new BFs to be introduced to your DCs (this is how long I waited before I introduced my now DH to my DD).
As a parent it’s your job to advocate for your DCs and I think your ex is behaving unreasonably and putting your DCs at risk from these random men. Unfortunately people who grow up in abusive / chaotic homes often replicate this in adulthood.
Continue to listen to your children and if they are unhappy with their living arrangements maybe you’ll need to step in and seek full custody.

Unfortunately you are not able to dictate, you can request but be prepared for her to refuse.

I 100% get your perspective and wish that this was something that was able to be worked into parenting agreements in some way. But as things stand you cannot expect this of your ex and it wouldn’t be supported by a court. My brother’s ex moved in her new boyfriend after a couple of weeks, to live with their 3YO. He has recently discovered that this man touched the child sexually on multiple occasions and the mother knew, kicked him out and then let him move back in to do it again. He is now kicked out again and police are investigating but my brother still has no right to ask that his ex keeps new relationships away from his child. It sucks but that’s the way things are. All you can do is maintain a brilliant relationship with you child and let them know they can talk to you about anything. That’s what led to his now 4YO child confiding about the inappropriate touching. He videoed the conversations and made a statement to the police. Likely is nothing will be brought by way of charges as his ex (the mother) is denying that anything happened, as is her BF. Both saying that the 4YO is lying. Bonkers… how would a 4YO know how to lie about this kind of thing?? Hopefully the investigation will be enough to scare this horrible man away from the child. The system trusts that a parent with custody will put the needs of their child first. Many parents sadly put their own needs and wants first. 😭

You are absolutely being controlling and out of order. You are also not entitled to do a Clare’s law request, these are for someone who is worried about their partner. Your ex may not be reasonable in her behaviour, but this is absolutely controlling and abusive and you are showing yourself as part of her pattern of bad relationships.

kids are under 6 so I can only get through them that much

Completely reasonable things to want in your children’s best interest, but not something you can impose.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. But in reality you can't make these requests. It's up to her when she introduces new partners. Unless you get a court order in place but this will cost money and may take time.
The fact that her mum did the same unfortunately means that this is completely normal for her but in turn, your kids will grow up thinking it's normal.
I completely understand where you're coming from. After 2 disastrous relationships I made a conscious decision to stay single because I couldn't put my kids through my poor choices. But that was my decision. My ex moved in with the woman he'd been seeing while we were together less than 2 months after we split up. It was brutal but I had to accept it. Our daughter was a baby at the time though so wasn't aware.
If you're on good terms with your ex maybe explain your reasons. 6 months is a huge ask though.

Do u actually mean a Claires Law. I'd be more inclined to do a Sarah's Law if he's gonna be around ur kids. Claires Law is for Domestic Violence against a partner (and you wouldn't be given the findings they would go to your ex wife) , Sarah's Law would tell you if he was a risk to children and the results would go to you and your ex wife.

No, you're not being unreasonable but you are being very unrealistic with your expectations. There's no chance of your ex agreeing to any of these requests, she's more likely to tell you where to shove them. Ultimately, what she does and when is none of your business, unless you know your children are in danger.

Wouldn’t waste your time
if it’s appropriate or not is irrelevant in all honesty don’t think she’d even listen let alone agree
save your breath

You can ask, but she need not comply if she doesn't want to.

I don't think he's being unreasonable given his ex wife's past history with moving men in within a few short weeks. you see mums on here all the time dictating to their exes that they cannot bring new women around their kids and dictating what happens during contact times. Why when a man is asking the same from his ex wife is he labelled as controlling? I mean he can ask but whether or not she actually agrees is another thing. Maybe tell her that if she moves any new man in again quickly that you'll give social services a call explaining your concerns and ask for their advice it may make her think twice before she brings some next 5 minute wonder around your kids if she thinks social will come around

Disagree with this.
If ex has not dealt with the trauma, they may not have the skills to not be susceptible to abuse again. The ex will not then be able to safeguard her kids from someone dangerous if she herself cannot identify dangerous adults. Especially seeing as they are so young.

Can you raise concerns with school to make sure they can get extra support? Have they had the pants talk?

With which bit, exactly, do you disagree? The ex might benefit from help, but @Throwaway27 trying to control her when they are no longer in a relationship ( or even of they still where) is wholly unreasonable.

Hi, I work for CAMHs (as a children’s therapist) and I absolutely agree with you. Her behaviour will cause emotional harm to the children and it doesn’t sound like she is protective of the children if she is having relationships with drug dealers and moving men in after 7weeks- that is not a protective parent that puts her children first.
I’m not sure on the legal basis or how you would go about this but I agree with your requests for the sake of the children 100%.
I also wonder about how often you have the children and can you get 50/50 to reduce risk to the children being around these men and if she can’t put the children first. Women like this anger me beyond belief, I think it is disgusting. Good luck!

I feel for you in this situation I really do and you don’t sound controlling (?!!! People? really?) you sound like a concerned father.
I don’t think this list of stipulations is going to help matters though. What will help is trying to cultivate the sort of relationship with your ex where you can discuss these things reasonably with her. She’s less likely to get defensive and more likely to get onto the same page as you if you have a good relationship with her. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to ask to meet new partners, or express a preference that the children don’t meet him for the first six months. You have parental responsibilities same as her. She doesn’t have to comply, and you wouldn’t have grounds to do anything about this unless there were specific concerns.
The other essential thing is to encourage open dialogue with your kids at all times and make sure they know they can talk to you about anything. I don’t mean you quiz them about mums new boyfriend every time they come back from seeing her. I mean more of a general climate of openness between you.

I think spot on to be fair!
I don’t think it is controlling as others have suggested.
my ex husband and I made similar arrangements but he went back on it and within a few weeks they’d met ‘daddy’s friend’.
i ask to meet his new gf, I wanted to know who was going to be looking after my children too.

id do Claire’s law on any partner I had myself in the future. I think it’s sensible and well done for being a caring and protective father

No, you can't make this demands and you will. One across as controlling if you try, tho I accept that possibly you are solely motivated by your kids' wellbeing.

Your kids will not be harmed by being introduced to someone as a friend. (Whether or not she is also fucking the guy is irrelevant, given I assume she isn't doing it in front of the friend. )

You do have a right to ask her to be cautious about who she moves into the house, certainly. But that's all you can do, ask.

As the mother of your kids, you need to treat her with respect and try to have as good and supportive a relationship as you can with her. (And vice versa, she should do the same with you). If you can build a co-parenting relationship that is open, honest and founded in mutual respect, she is lot more likely to listen to any concerns you have, than if you lay the law down and present "demands".

It's entirely possible to do this. My dd's dad and I have built a relationship of mutual respect, and if he poltely raised concerns about how something I was doing was impacting our child, I would definitely listen and consider his viewpoint, and I feel he would do the same if it was the other way round.

Good luck.

My best advice. Contact Fathers for Justice. They will give you the help and support you need in this situation to ensure your children are safe with the people introduced into their lives.

He isn't trying to control her, he is trying to do right by his kids. Anyone trying to do right by their children shouldn't be seen in a bad light which is what lots are saying.

If the shoe was on the other foot, lots would be saying that it was awful. That a woman would be well within her rights to insist these things.

When a fella tries to be sensible(and that is what he os requesting), he is being seen as unreasonable and controlling. Where's the equality? He has set boundaries and all hie is asking in return is that she set boundaries too.

I’m very surprised a children’s therapist working with a government service is allowed to give advice (riddled with contempt for the mother) to strangers online with whom she has no therapeutic relationships and has not assessed. Does CAMHS not have a social media policy? Are you not subject
to a code of conduct?

As a health care worker I cannot post the way you have here. If you are really a CAHMS therapist you would be risking reducing public confidence in your role by posting as you have.

I agree. This is not professional behaviour.

It wouldn’t be professional in a professional setting, this is an anonymous internet forum where nobody has any means of checking her credentials.
I also work with children and young people and am raising my own in a blended family. I’ve had criticism here and in real life for moving in with a new man, (who my children and I have known for over a decade) after only a year.

Introducing a new partner needs to be done with thought and care for children’s wellbeing. This does not seem to be happening here and the OP has every right to be concerned, though what he can actually do is limited!