AIBU? DH driving me crazy!

[HesDrivingMeCrazy1]

5 years, 1 child together, 1 child each with previous partners; blended family of 5, with 3 dogs. My 10yo DS is severe ADHD and on pathway for ASD referral too.

DH does not work currently as was made redundant. I WFH and am on maternity leave currently, however will be going back to work in August and he will be “househusband” as we both agree we don’t want our DS in nursery yet. It was agreed 50/50 childcare and housework between us, but it has never ended up that way and I am always the default parent. I’d say the split is more 75/25 childcare and 80/20 cleaning/cooking. This will have to change when I go back to work however at the moment I don’t mind as DS is BF. I also knew he was lazy when we got together so didn’t expect a miracle but…

Last/this week, I went away with my DS’s (his DD was not allowed to come as per her mums instructions). We weren’t allowed to bring dogs, and couldn’t find a sitter, so he stayed at home. DS was teething so was really hard work all week and I barely got any sleep, but it was a nice trip anyhow. DH spent all week gaming, playing golf etc. I came home yesterday and the house hadn’t been properly cleaned - no polish, hoover, cleaning out bath etc. I put the laundry out to dry last week when I left and he only brought it in yesterday morning as he knew I was home, and dumped it on the floor. Upon my return, I expressed my upset that he hasn’t cleaned and expected me to do it when I returned. I also asked him to do 3 things; a load of washing, put some food away and water the plants - of which he done none and blamed me for not reminding him. He is right, I could’ve but don’t feel I should need to when I’m trying to juggle 2 children. He said (and I quote verbatim) “I left it how you left it, I cleaned up the mess I made” … I will say, the house wasn’t absolutely filthy, but it was grubby; imagine how a house would look 7 days of no basic cleaning. I’m pretty certain he’s not even done a load in the dishwasher.

We had an argument about this and he says I am unreasonable for being upset as it was “his break” too and he didn’t want to spend it cleaning. He doesn’t believe he has done any wrong. He said I chose to go away with kids, if I would’ve chose a place he could’ve took dogs it wouldn’t have been an issue but it’s my problem for not doing so. I explained we agreed 50:50, so if I had kids 100% of time I would’ve expected him to do some cleaning and he said “we agreed that when you go back to work”.

My question is, AIBU to have expected him to clean up given it is his holiday/break too? I really don’t think I am but he seems adamant I am…

TIA

well you have seen what his househusband life will look like. You will come home to cook and clean while he games and relaxes.

So this is the split when you aren’t working it is hardly going to go better when you are

i mean he is lazy isn’t he

Doesn't sound as if him taking on the house life is going to work.

In all honesty, I do believe he would do more when I’m working than what he is doing now but yes, he is definitely lazy.

So he needs a list. A very long and detailed list.
Or a spreadsheet and alter it weekly
A pita but then he has literally no excuse not to do every bloody thing that needs doing.
My dh stayed at home with ds... No list meant fuck all done. Tbf he has ASD - being the main one for everything is draining but he functions best with lists.. So lists he got.

YABU for bringing a lazy gaming oaf into your child’s life.

He's a ratbag. He can pay for a cleaner if he thinks it's beneath him.

Oh dear 😳 you were already aware that he's lazy, yet you've chosen to have a baby with him and now you're going to be supporting the whole family financially and he's going to stay home, cook, clean and take care of a baby? I fear you are going to be very disappointed OP. It sounds like you and he have very different standards when it comes to housekeeping.

He is simply a lazy man child. Sadly there is no known cure to this affliction. What was he like 👍 you had a baby with him ?

I think that’s the best description, he’s a man child. He was always lazy, I knew that and had a baby with him so I expected it. He usually is very open to acknowledging his laziness too. This whole situation though has thrown me because that goes beyond lazy, and he genuinely does not think he has done anything wrong.

Also, with regards to him gaming, it’s his only vice and it’s not an issue for us as it’s usually when the kids are asleep. He doesn’t smoke, drink or go out with his friends often except to do some sports. He could be a lot worse in this respect.

Goodness being a fulltime working single parent of 4 children is tough. That is a rod for your back. It would be much easier if you just had your 2 children....

You have set low standards OP and he has met them. The fact that he doesn’t inhale noxious substances or regularly get pissed doesn’t give anyone the right to spend hours staring at a screen while their partner runs round taking care of their child and shared home.

i don’t really know what to say except that you should have known what you were in for…

Why do you believe that? He doesn’t care about household stuff at all—that’s obvious.

Perhaps not so much with the cleaning, but I do believe he will be more helpful with the children so I wouldn’t mind doing some of the cleaning/cooking after work if he’s had DS all day. I guess you are right, I did know!

Distribution of labour is such a boring argument to have all the time. Super common, though.

Get on Word and make a table with the days of the week as columns, then all the essential childcare tasks and all the essential household tasks as rows. Print it out, stick it on your fridge, then write your initial in the space where you've done the thing.

1, it acts like a list.
2, it shows exactly who is doing what.

Ours has:

Make child's breakfast
Get child dressed
Take child to nursery
Pick child up
Make child's tea
Bedtime: teeth, stories
Night wakes

Cook a shared meal
Put laundry in
Hang laundry up
Fold dry laundry
Put dry laundry away
Wash 1/2 pots
Wash all pots
Put pots away

Hoover
Clean bathroom
Clean kitchen
Tidy bedrooms
Tidy toys

Even that's like half of the shit that needs doing. God it's really boring and incessant, isn't it? 😭

Just get it written down and take the subjectivity out of it. Very easy to say 'fuck off pal I did all the cooking and cleaning and childcare yesterday, it's your turn' when there's something tangiable to point at.

I’d be worried that, when you go back to work, he’d park the baby in front of an ipad and continue to game all the time.

So you were away for a week and he consciously chose to do fuck all because he didn't see it as his mess to clear up? Sorry, but he's a selfish man child.
He won't be better once you are back at work, he has already set out his stall that the house is not his problem. If he is the stay at home parent, he needs to take on the stay at home role, and all the peripheral shit that goes with it. Not find yourself running around like a blue arsed fly doig everything on top of a full working week because he is playing golf and gaming.

OP I want to concur with what everyone else is saying.
First, he does not see house as his responsibility, he will only clean up after himself and think he already did you a favour. You will come home to a mess every day.
Does he actually realise what most SAHPs do and how much of the mental load they carry? Things like sorting kids' clothes and buying new ones, anything school related, all their vaccinations and dentist appointments. Or anything household related - keeping an eye on paper towels or shampoo running out and buying more? You know all those millions of things. Or does he expect you will do it all and maybe point out to him that he needs to go buy DC new shoes because they're outgrown theirs, and you also need to tell him exactly what kind and which shop, otherwise he will come back with boots when they needed sandals?

This indicates why I think a persons views on levels of tidiness/cleanliness are extremely important in a relationship. I really believe that very tidy people should be with the same type of person. Likewise those who do not prioritise tidiness/cleanliness.
In the long run it is as important as your views on raising children.
It’s neigh on Impossible for say a clean freak who cannot tolerate mess, to live comfortably with someone who does not care how dirty or messy their house is.
Op, your dh sounds like a slob. A lazy one at that. Only you can decide if you can live with that.

Honestly, he sounds like a lost cause and the situation is only going to get worse when you are back at work, as you'll be working and coming home to a mess and chores that need doing.

I would sit down with him and write a list together of everything that needs doing. Ask him to contribute his ideas first, to get a gauge for how useless aware he is, then you contribute your ideas to make him see what you do that goes unnoticed. Agree how often each chore needs doing and write it down. Set alarms on his phone if needs be (although he sounds like the kind of useless arse that will switch them off).

I don't pussy foot around with my husband. I say "Oi, you're presumably going back into the kitchen to clean up your mess, yeah? You can't possibly think you're done. I want the sink clean, sides wiped down and floor hoovered - can you get on with it".

He didn’t have your baby to care for while you were away but did the bare minimum. It’s very hard to get house work done with a baby, so you can expect less tidying, cooking and cleaning to be done. You will need to do the lot when you get home.

You have a great opportunity for him to find a job while you are on maternity leave, as child care while he is at interviews (even online) won’t be a problem.
Your family will be a whole lot better off if he worked and contributed to paying for childcare, maybe even a cleaning.

There's no merit to his acknowledging his laziness if he doesn't do anything about it.

Don't let him be a househusband. He will take the piss, blame you for not micromanaging him and it will be soul destroying and love eroding. If he's working then at least he'll contribute financially because you aren't going to get any domestic benefits.

“I also knew he was lazy when we got together so didn’t expect a miracle but…”

In other words he showed you exactly what kind of person he was from the start and you carried on anyway. What did you expect?! 🤨🙄

No he won't, you're deluding yourself!

Well he’s not a househusband is he, he’s just unemployed. Tell him he will have to treat his daily life like a job or go back to work. There is no point keeping a child out of nursery/childminders for them to be barely looked after in a dirty home. Will your DH set up activities, track development etc. and also be a housekeeper? (Which is the expectation of a stay at home parent - that is their “job”) I think not. A list would be a good start but he’s got used to not doing very much. I think you need to assume he won’t magically change and decide whether you can deal with the mental and physical load when you get home from work