AIBU? DH driving me crazy!

[HesDrivingMeCrazy1]

5 years, 1 child together, 1 child each with previous partners; blended family of 5, with 3 dogs. My 10yo DS is severe ADHD and on pathway for ASD referral too.

DH does not work currently as was made redundant. I WFH and am on maternity leave currently, however will be going back to work in August and he will be “househusband” as we both agree we don’t want our DS in nursery yet. It was agreed 50/50 childcare and housework between us, but it has never ended up that way and I am always the default parent. I’d say the split is more 75/25 childcare and 80/20 cleaning/cooking. This will have to change when I go back to work however at the moment I don’t mind as DS is BF. I also knew he was lazy when we got together so didn’t expect a miracle but…

Last/this week, I went away with my DS’s (his DD was not allowed to come as per her mums instructions). We weren’t allowed to bring dogs, and couldn’t find a sitter, so he stayed at home. DS was teething so was really hard work all week and I barely got any sleep, but it was a nice trip anyhow. DH spent all week gaming, playing golf etc. I came home yesterday and the house hadn’t been properly cleaned - no polish, hoover, cleaning out bath etc. I put the laundry out to dry last week when I left and he only brought it in yesterday morning as he knew I was home, and dumped it on the floor. Upon my return, I expressed my upset that he hasn’t cleaned and expected me to do it when I returned. I also asked him to do 3 things; a load of washing, put some food away and water the plants - of which he done none and blamed me for not reminding him. He is right, I could’ve but don’t feel I should need to when I’m trying to juggle 2 children. He said (and I quote verbatim) “I left it how you left it, I cleaned up the mess I made” … I will say, the house wasn’t absolutely filthy, but it was grubby; imagine how a house would look 7 days of no basic cleaning. I’m pretty certain he’s not even done a load in the dishwasher.

We had an argument about this and he says I am unreasonable for being upset as it was “his break” too and he didn’t want to spend it cleaning. He doesn’t believe he has done any wrong. He said I chose to go away with kids, if I would’ve chose a place he could’ve took dogs it wouldn’t have been an issue but it’s my problem for not doing so. I explained we agreed 50:50, so if I had kids 100% of time I would’ve expected him to do some cleaning and he said “we agreed that when you go back to work”.

My question is, AIBU to have expected him to clean up given it is his holiday/break too? I really don’t think I am but he seems adamant I am…

TIA

You need to be clear on expectations for when you are working.

He will need to become the default parent. All child admin, appointments, nursery, school.

He'll need to be default for the dogs too. You might do a walk before/after work. I'm not sure how much care dogs have.

He cannot be saving all the cooking and cleaning for you to finish work and do 50:50. He's the SAHP.
He needs to feed DC during day and clear up that mess. Run the vacuum round, laundry etc. bigger jobs can be shared at the weekend such as cleaning bathroom.

You should take turns making dinner, and evening DC routines such as bath and bed. Make sure you both get a weekend lie in and time during evenings equally to do hobby/see friends

Remember you are at work (even if it's at home).

If its not clear from the start you will be talking on 50:50 or more when he sits and let's you.

See you in a few months op.. 😅

You honestly expect he will do more once you go back to work and hes got the "excuse" of the child as to why hes not done any cleaning? I'd look at the budget for a cleaner or accept you'll still be doing the majority whilst also juggling work if he couldn't be arsed spending even half an hour all week with no other real responsibilities

This will be your life unless he shapes up.

If you take childcare out of the equation then it really does come down to personal standards of cleanliness, doesn’t it? You say he acknowledges that he is lazy as if that will somehow mean that he will step up. What it actually means is that he is happy doing the absolute bare minimum.

He means he is ok with living in a shit heap and he just doesn’t care about anyone else in the household.

I'm sorry OP but this is where you are.

I’ve got a little bit of sympathy for him here , he stayed home while you had a holiday and in his mind he was having a holiday at home so no pressure to clean etc

Let's be honest, it's not even just cleaning is it - it's the keeping an eye on renewing insurance, remembering that birthday, providing the random thing school asked for, noticing the shampoo is low, swapping the kid's wardrobe out for the season, buying new football boots...... And all the other billion things that a family needs but isn't as overt as a pile of washing up or dirt on the carpet.

It sounds like he will basically be waiting for his instructions from you for this, so what do you even gain from the situation? Half the annoying bit about being "default adult" is all the bloody thinking of it in the first place! No one provides me a bastard list!! I guess my vagina must figure it out....

DD’s headteacher has a househusband. He does absolutely everything. Headteacher makes the money and he does everything else. She says she doesn’t have to lift a finger, or even make a cup of tea or a sandwich (unless she wants to do it herself). He took the DC to school when they were younger etc, sorted their stuff, all laundry & food shopping, cooking, gardening, ironing, carpet cleaning, bathroom scrubbing, the works. She just relaxes/socialises/spends time with her DH & family on her days off. Sounds like bliss to me!
As a lone parent who has to do both (on a quarter of a headteacher’s income), I cannot express how envious I am! But good for them!

If he wants to be a househusband OP, then tell him that this is the bar he needs to reach!

Holiday from what?
He's unemployed. Most adults who are at home when they have time off still don't leave the house in a mess for their stand in mummy to clean.

If I was home alone without children, I would certainly use a tiny fraction of that week to make house nice, clean and tidy. Woudn't most people?

Many people are not suited for SAHP life. This role requires a lot on initiative, drive and self-motivation. If you're a type that needs to be given a list and orders for every single task, you're not a SAHP, you're basically staff for the actual parent.