AIBU to be utterly misreable (I am 38) - I got married last September, with hopes to start a family. My husband has had sex with me 4 times since then.
Amazingly, I did manage to fall pregnant in May but that resulted in an early miscarriage.
I started to track ovulation as a way to help conceive in April and asked him if he could make sure he has viagra in the house to aid his ED. I explained about the ovulation kit and how we should have intercourse at the time if shows a ‘peak’. I got a smile face on the test kit and was so excited! I messaged to let him know, he had not bothered to get viagra so we missed that month to try. I was very upset, less about not actually have sex, more about the lack of planning from his side.
I feel myself slipping into a depression, I see pictures of myself from last summer full of life and here I am in bed on a Friday on Mumsnet asking if I am unreasonable in floods of tears.
I feel like a fraud making an appointment at the fertility clinic when I know the route cause could be a lack of intercourse and intimacy rather than a medical issue. I want to support him and be kind. I feel this ‘secret’ about our sex lives is eating me up.
We were at an event two weeks ago where I became tearful and went outside, he came and found me. I started to tell him how I felt and he accused me of ‘using him’ (I have no idea where that came from) and that I was speaking to him like dirt. I was basically saying all of the above to him whilst crying, I was not speaking to him like dirt, I was letting out my fears about the future.
Our plan was to get married and try for a family and I feel I could have been sold a lie - surely if he wanted a baby he would be trying to get support and input by now. It is all me researching and making appointments. He has known me since I was 34 and I am now 38. I explained to him I felt he has already had years of my fertility and he will not be wasting a month longer going forward. I cry about the situation now most days.
I have researched all the fertility clinics (paid for the appt in July) and ideas such as home insemination (paid for a kit). I have been to the GP and organised some basic tests. I got and paid for some vitamins for him, he forgets to take them. You get the picture. I feel like I am pushing everything forward. I suggested adoption, he is not interested as ‘he doesn’t want some randoms genes in his house’. I then said what does he think about sperm donation / egg donation if it transpires there is an issue there - again he was reluctant as he wants his own off- spring. I kindly pointed out the reality of situation and that it maybe something we need to think about given the trajectory of things and this recent miscarriage. I discussed IUI as an option and explained how it worked and he seemed open to that. He seemed reluctant to use an egg donor or sperm donation. I spoke about getting a dog - he does not want a dog either. All of these suggestions are speculative as neither of us know at this point if there are any fertility issues. I seen myself with 2-3 kids but now I am slowly grieving a life without children.
What on earth am I meant to do? And most importantly, AIBU to be going out of mind about this? I have been as kind and patient as possible towards him, but I feel resentment and the instinct / possibility that he is actually quite content childfree with not having kids and has led me down the garden path creeping in. Although I would never say that to him and that is speculative. He is 51 - so a bit older than me.
He seems to continue his life as it was before he married me, golf - ski trips etc. He was away for four weeks in February time; combination of work trips and skiing (I do not ski), I think it was around that time that my depression about the situation really ramped up. All I think about is starting a family and what I can do about it, but he is off on another holiday or conference.
During the MC I was not only upset about the loss but also the reality of having to find a way around his ED / have sex with me in order to ‘try again’ and I felt that pit in my stomach that this could realistically be the reality for a long time going forward.
AIBU to be upset about this?