Sexless Marriage

[rosesandkisses]

AIBU to be utterly misreable (I am 38) - I got married last September, with hopes to start a family. My husband has had sex with me 4 times since then.

Amazingly, I did manage to fall pregnant in May but that resulted in an early miscarriage.

I started to track ovulation as a way to help conceive in April and asked him if he could make sure he has viagra in the house to aid his ED. I explained about the ovulation kit and how we should have intercourse at the time if shows a ‘peak’. I got a smile face on the test kit and was so excited! I messaged to let him know, he had not bothered to get viagra so we missed that month to try. I was very upset, less about not actually have sex, more about the lack of planning from his side.

I feel myself slipping into a depression, I see pictures of myself from last summer full of life and here I am in bed on a Friday on Mumsnet asking if I am unreasonable in floods of tears.

I feel like a fraud making an appointment at the fertility clinic when I know the route cause could be a lack of intercourse and intimacy rather than a medical issue. I want to support him and be kind. I feel this ‘secret’ about our sex lives is eating me up.

We were at an event two weeks ago where I became tearful and went outside, he came and found me. I started to tell him how I felt and he accused me of ‘using him’ (I have no idea where that came from) and that I was speaking to him like dirt. I was basically saying all of the above to him whilst crying, I was not speaking to him like dirt, I was letting out my fears about the future.

Our plan was to get married and try for a family and I feel I could have been sold a lie - surely if he wanted a baby he would be trying to get support and input by now. It is all me researching and making appointments. He has known me since I was 34 and I am now 38. I explained to him I felt he has already had years of my fertility and he will not be wasting a month longer going forward. I cry about the situation now most days.

I have researched all the fertility clinics (paid for the appt in July) and ideas such as home insemination (paid for a kit). I have been to the GP and organised some basic tests. I got and paid for some vitamins for him, he forgets to take them. You get the picture. I feel like I am pushing everything forward. I suggested adoption, he is not interested as ‘he doesn’t want some randoms genes in his house’. I then said what does he think about sperm donation / egg donation if it transpires there is an issue there - again he was reluctant as he wants his own off- spring. I kindly pointed out the reality of situation and that it maybe something we need to think about given the trajectory of things and this recent miscarriage. I discussed IUI as an option and explained how it worked and he seemed open to that. He seemed reluctant to use an egg donor or sperm donation. I spoke about getting a dog - he does not want a dog either. All of these suggestions are speculative as neither of us know at this point if there are any fertility issues. I seen myself with 2-3 kids but now I am slowly grieving a life without children.

What on earth am I meant to do? And most importantly, AIBU to be going out of mind about this? I have been as kind and patient as possible towards him, but I feel resentment and the instinct / possibility that he is actually quite content childfree with not having kids and has led me down the garden path creeping in. Although I would never say that to him and that is speculative. He is 51 - so a bit older than me.

He seems to continue his life as it was before he married me, golf - ski trips etc. He was away for four weeks in February time; combination of work trips and skiing (I do not ski), I think it was around that time that my depression about the situation really ramped up. All I think about is starting a family and what I can do about it, but he is off on another holiday or conference.

During the MC I was not only upset about the loss but also the reality of having to find a way around his ED / have sex with me in order to ‘try again’ and I felt that pit in my stomach that this could realistically be the reality for a long time going forward.

AIBU to be upset about this?

You don’t have to say anyting , just stop paying your wages into it. How long will it take before the bills start bouncing ?

If he used the lump sums to pay down the mortage, surely you can see it on the mortage account ? Please tell me that your house is in both names ? I mean the deeds of the house, not the mortgage.

Be very careful here - if you divorce after a short marriage you usually keep your own pre marriage assets. But if they are interwoven it will prbbaly be 50:50. You need legal advice now.

I think that it's appalling that he lied to you about his ED knowing you wanted a family. He has basically just carried on his life as before and refused you everything that you want.
It reminds me of a documentary I watched about a man who had no penis only testicles. I can't remember what happened to him but his poor wife only found out on their wedding night and was devastated.
I would not forgive that. I expect total honesty from a partner.

OP this man is not good enough to waste your last fertile years on. He’s too old for you, he’s impotent and he seems to lack any concern for your feelings and biological clock. You would be miserable raising a child with him and you’d be even more miserable if you miss out on parenthood because of him, then are stuck with him for life.

If you have the money I’d consider egg collection straight away. The odds are not amazing at 38 but it is worth a try. Then get rid of him, try to find someone else and if you don’t in a couple of years, get a sperm donor and go it alone, if you really want a child. Ditch this loser and go and fight for what you want.

Yeah, treating someone like a walking sperm dispensary is so sexy . .

No wonder he doesn't want to have sex.

What ever gave you the idea that demanding a man get an erection and have an orgasm is.in any way appropriate.

If it were reversed and your DH demanded you have sex, people would call it abuse.

I personally think at 51 he’s set in his ways, he’s comfortable, his ED doesn’t bother him so he isn’t arsed doing anything about it. Like the cupboards, he thinks babies are women’s work and he’ll do the minimum to stop you crying but he’s clearly not invested in a full family life.

I understand it. I’m in my 50s and couldn’t even envisage going back to sleepless nights of screaming colicky infants, nappies and sheer exhaustion. I’d be enjoying my golf and skiing holidays rather than that. We are looking ahead more to retirement. I suspect he is too.

I think you need to consider the idea that even if you were to get pregnant, he may not be the right man to provide the perfect all encompassing family life you dreamed about.

Having a baby by sperm donor is utterly selfish and cruel to the child.

It's a horrible thing to do to someone.

Deliberately depriving them of a father.

Oh dear

This sounds all wrong.
He does not sound at all keen to have a child, let alone more than one.
He does not sound like a thoughtful caring partner who will pull his weight equally if a child did arrive on the scene (given his comment about not needing a cleaner as he has you).
I would absolutely not trust him with your salary if he is not adding his own salary to the joint pot and then removing £5 k at a time without discussing with you.
It sounds like you would very much be better off having a baby alone.
Give serious thought before you tie yourself to this man any further.
I wish you luck, it's a very difficult situation but not too late to leave and either go it alone or take your chances meeting someone new x

You have two problems; getting pregnant and marriage with no sex.

There are ways around the first, if he engages, but are you prepared to put up with the second for the next few decades?

he said something quite interesting which was very telling ‘we do not need a cleaner I am married to you’ - which obviously, was a huge red flag.

Oh god, just get a divorce. He’s revolting. I’m finding it hard to see what attracted you to him, he’s dirty, lazy, selfish, misogynistic, impotent, financially sneaky verging on outright abusive and he’s lying to you. Is he fantastically good looking and loaded? Literally nothing you’ve said about him makes him sound like a good bet. He’s a couple of years older than my husband and sounds like he’s 30 years older.

I am already in the process of this with the private fertility clinic - appt end of july

It does sound as if you both decided that the other person was what you wanted, without much evidence.

I guess it says something about me that I’m most shocked that he hasn’t put money into the joint account. But I can’t see a single reason for you to stay in this shitshow.

this dawned on me when I was going through the miscarriage
i thought to myself I would be better just going through this whole process alone as I feel very alone anyway
that was when it dawned on me
he said he wasnt that bothered about the miscarriage as it was only some cells ( i was only 5 weeks or so but the products didnt pass immediately - I was very crampy )

Nonsense. I don't miss not having a father at all.

I would immediately stop him having access to your account. He can transfer or pay for half the bills.
Everything seems too one-sided....in his direction.
Time is not on your side. I would get yourself checked out and then go to a sperm donor clinic. It might end the marriage but it doesn't seem like there is much there anyway.

@rosesandkisses absolutely this 💯. Ask him for the money back while you’re at it - you’re going to need it when you LTB

This was my instinct of the best thing to do finacially, pregnancy too

I paid for our last holiday too 🤣😭 2K

It's completely a viable option. Sometimes having a two parent household is more damaging than not. There are many people who have been raised by single parents successfully and with much better outcomes than if waste of space fathers were in the picture. You're being deliberately cruel when clearly the op is grieving the future she thought she would have. Be kind, it's not that difficult.

Move your money out of the joint account and start getting your salary paid into your one in your own name. If you are effectively paying the mortgage make sure your names are on the deed and keep a record of all the things you have paid for. I do wonder if given the age difference he saw you as a house keeper, extra income and carer in old age.

we have a joint bank account which we were both meant to get our salaries paid into - my salary goes into it but his doesnt and i have never said anything
so he has access to my wages

Oh dear. Get your wages paid into your personal account again pronto. You'll never see those random withdrawals again. (Do you know he definitely used it for the mortgage? Is it a joint mortgage?)

You need to cut him loose. He won't ever be what you want or need. You might still have the chance of a family with someone else or a donor but only misery with him.

It suits him because:
He gets the appearance of being a happily married man. Beardy vibes.
Live in housekeeper.

Personal cash machine.

It doesn't suit you because:
He's not committed to having a family.
He doesn't care about what you want or feel.

You're better than being someone's housekeeper.
You're better than being a personal cash machine.

He's like a cocklodger who doesn't even provide cock!

Starting to have this sickening reality check too

Sometimes the loneliest place to be is in a relationship where your needs aren’t met and you feel uncared for. I’m struggling to see what this man actually brings to your life, especially given the worrying financial information you’ve shared and the lack of emotional support around your miscarriage. I’m sure there’s a part of you that feels you should cling on to him because you may think he’s your best shot at pregnancy but I think you need to think carefully about that. Right now he’s all talk and no action, and it’s highly likely he’s making promises about taking action out of fear of losing you, rather than in response to a genuine desire on his part to change. You need to remember you have options without him but some of those may be time limited.

Oh my love!

51 is old to have a first child - I would only want to consider it if the guy was ready to do whatever it took, was hugely proactive, kind, generous and perfect in every way…..

this guy…is not that!!! He took £5k extra of your money to pay off the mortgage, but hasn’t “bothered” to contribute his own money to the joint account?! Jesus Christ!

as previous posters have said, this relationship is not remotely working for you.

Honestly, I suggest urgently getting yourself to a kind therapist, to have a chat about why you might have gone into a relationship like this with such expectations, when he repeatedly is showing you that he’s not remotely on the same page as you?

Good luck lovely, I have a strong feeling you are going to turn this all around in a heartbeat and go and make the life you dreamed of… go for it x

Children or not you can't stay In a marriage with someone with ED who refuses to get help. You are 38 FFS. That's far too young.

I do think trying for a baby can be stressful and feeling unsupported in it must be driving you mad.

The finances are a huge red flag. I really feel for you.