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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think colleague does fancy me

41 replies

Teachingmum1 · 04/07/2025 20:30

Work at a large university in the town my colleague is from and I am from the neighbouring city
have a colleague who is in the same department
he’s divorced and has a few issues with his eldest son and his mental health and has had a few issues at work
I’ve supported him with these things
spent time outside work

earlier this year I hinted at something more and he said he just wanted to be friend s
fair enough

however
I just don’t believe him
he texts me ,smiles at me constantly ,stares at me ,others have commented on this .
I had an issue with a male colleague and he actually approached him and had a word and told others how annoyed he was by this.
would I be mad to suggest something more again?
I don’t want to get rebuffed but I do really fancy his
neither of us are young either
I’m 45 and he’s 51

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 04/07/2025 20:33

I would yes - getting a knockback is not the end of the world - but if he says no again, don’t waste any more time imagining it’s going anywhere - it may be that you are a real life support plus gentle flirtation to him, but he’s not enough into you to want to take it further

SlightlyTooMuch · 04/07/2025 20:41

He’s told you he wants to keep things as friends. Accept that. Maybe he does fancy you, but isn’t in the headspace for a relationship, or doesn’t want a relationship with a colleague. But his reasons are his own business.

CountryQueen · 04/07/2025 20:43

He’s enjoying the attention but he’s just not that into you

Diarygirlqueen · 04/07/2025 21:09

100% wouldn't ask him again. You've already asked him, been knocked back. It's up to him now, if he liked you he would ask you out.

AngularMerkin · 04/07/2025 21:17

It would be quite unusual for a single man to sit around doing nothing after a woman he wanted told him she was interested. Either he’s not that into you but is enjoying the ego boost of you fancying him so perpetuates it by breadcrumbing you, or he thinks it’s too messy getting involved with a colleague. As a pp said, he knows where you stand. The ball is in his court if he wants to progress to more than friends. I recommend pulling away and being cooler towards him, either that will prompt him to pursue you or it will help you detach and move onto someone who is into you.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/07/2025 21:32

If a man tells you he doesn’t want you, believe him.

Endofyear · 04/07/2025 21:45

It sounds like he's enjoying knowing that you fancy him and stringing you along. I'd cool the friendship and keep things at work professional. He doesn't sound like much of a catch anyway, he's a middle aged man with personal problems and he's had issues at work? If I were you I'd raise your standards and look elsewhere for company.

Hankunamatata · 04/07/2025 21:50

He told you he wanted to be friends. Not sure how much clearer he can be

MakeItToTheMoon · 04/07/2025 21:50

Yeh it is confusing behaviour from his end. You have let him know how you feel so the ball is in his court. He may just care for you as a friend hence all the texting/ smiling etc… or he may not want to be romantically involved just yet. Leave alone for now

DontTouchRoach · 04/07/2025 22:22

He’s told you he just wants to be friends. He wouldn’t do that if he wanted a relationship.

All the behaviours you’ve described - texting, smiling, being annoyed on your behalf when someone upset you - are things that friends do.

If I told a man I just wanted to be good friends and he interpreted that as ‘she definitely fancies me, I’ll keep pursuing her’, I’d be really pissed off and the friendship would end right there.

IPM · 04/07/2025 22:30

When someone tells you they're not interested, you need to respect it, otherwise you become a pest.

You left the ball in his court.

If he wants to bat it back to yours he will.

IPM · 04/07/2025 22:33

The lack of punctuation makes it difficult to understand who has mental health problems.

Him or his son?

MascaraGirl · 04/07/2025 22:34

IPM · 04/07/2025 22:30

When someone tells you they're not interested, you need to respect it, otherwise you become a pest.

You left the ball in his court.

If he wants to bat it back to yours he will.

This. Keep your dignity, OP

upandleftthenright · 04/07/2025 22:36

Oh Op. please don’t ask again. You’re looking for something that isn’t there. Move on.

Original poster
Teachingmum1 · 04/07/2025 23:18

IPM · 04/07/2025 22:33

The lack of punctuation makes it difficult to understand who has mental health problems.

Him or his son?

Sorry I typed quickly

his son does ,quite severe MH problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Teachingmum1 · 04/07/2025 23:18

You’ve said what I thought.

I won’t embarrass myself asking again

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 05/07/2025 01:07

Don't have someone the opportunity to reject you twice!

If he ever does have feelings, he knows he is pushing against an open door. You don't need to remind him again.

simsbustinoutmimi · 05/07/2025 03:24

He’s leading you on. He’s already said no, but enjoys the attention.

avoid.

Othersideofworld · 05/07/2025 03:56

I’d start talking about how you are interesting in dating, might try an app etc, or hoping your friend might set you up — see if it sparks any action on his part.

Original poster
Teachingmum1 · 05/07/2025 07:34

Othersideofworld · 05/07/2025 03:56

I’d start talking about how you are interesting in dating, might try an app etc, or hoping your friend might set you up — see if it sparks any action on his part.

Yes I did mention I was thinking about dating etc this week and he went red and said that’s up to me and who was it.
its all a bit childish tbh
and I think the majority of posters are saying the same and true thing.
shame but never mind x

OP posts:
Original poster
Teachingmum1 · 05/07/2025 07:35

DontTouchRoach · 04/07/2025 22:22

He’s told you he just wants to be friends. He wouldn’t do that if he wanted a relationship.

All the behaviours you’ve described - texting, smiling, being annoyed on your behalf when someone upset you - are things that friends do.

If I told a man I just wanted to be good friends and he interpreted that as ‘she definitely fancies me, I’ll keep pursuing her’, I’d be really pissed off and the friendship would end right there.

Yes exactly that I wouldn’t want to appear to be a creep

OP posts:
Original poster
Teachingmum1 · 05/07/2025 07:36

DoYouReally · 05/07/2025 01:07

Don't have someone the opportunity to reject you twice!

If he ever does have feelings, he knows he is pushing against an open door. You don't need to remind him again.

thankyou x

OP posts:
Othersideofworld · 05/07/2025 07:41

You have your answer OP and hopefully a good friend xx

Coconutter24 · 05/07/2025 08:12

He said he wants to be friends and he’s acting like a friend. If you have feelings for him is this the healthiest friendship for you? Do you want to be friends or are you just hoping he’ll change his mind?

tilypu · 05/07/2025 08:16

There's someone at work I quite fancy. But I have no desire at all to be in relationship, so even if he was interested in me (he's not 😆), I wouldn't want to act on it.

The two things can coexist.

He has been clear. Respect that, in the same way that you would want someone to respect it if you did you didn't want to pursue a relationship with them.

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