Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Both of us or none of us!!!

40 replies

7372dm · 04/07/2025 18:44

We have been no contact with inlaws for 10 years.. bil has reached out to dh but wants to meet him away from our family home so I'm not included...
The reason we went no contact they were horrible to me...
I think we should stick together as team. Build bridges with both of us.. how would you deal with this

OP posts:
InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 18:45

It's his brother. Probably best he meets him without you to see where the land lies.

Dartmoorcheffy · 04/07/2025 18:45

It is his brother. I think you need to get them clear the air together first.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 04/07/2025 18:45

Well even if they want to make amends with you eventually, it makes sense they’d speak to him first. What does your husband want?

Spies · 04/07/2025 18:45

It's up to your husband whether or not he wants contact with his brother. 10 years is a long time and if he wants to explore contact then that is his decision.

GRex · 04/07/2025 18:48

I think you should consider that this is your DH's family, who his entire childhood history was with. If HE found them difficult, then concern would be reasonable for him meeting one brother on his own. Your intent by blocking this is immensely controlling and very concerning. If I were his family, I would worry for him. If you don't feel that's really you, then take the message and step well back. He is not you. He is an independent human. Let him navigate his own relationships.

Original poster
7372dm · 04/07/2025 18:48

ToKittyornottoKitty · 04/07/2025 18:45

Well even if they want to make amends with you eventually, it makes sense they’d speak to him first. What does your husband want?

He is the same as me. Both of us together.. they keep moving the goalposts. Do had agreed to meet him at our home. Next message was that bil thought it would be better to meet him for drinks..

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 04/07/2025 18:49

7372dm · 04/07/2025 18:48

He is the same as me. Both of us together.. they keep moving the goalposts. Do had agreed to meet him at our home. Next message was that bil thought it would be better to meet him for drinks..

Show quote history

Well neutral territory makes sense so he’s right there. What difference does it make if it’s in your home or not?

Newgirls · 04/07/2025 18:50

Leave the brothers to it 100%

in messy families the siblings often lose out and find it hard to stand up to parents. Let them rebuild their relationship before anything else

Spies · 04/07/2025 18:51

7372dm · 04/07/2025 18:48

He is the same as me. Both of us together.. they keep moving the goalposts. Do had agreed to meet him at our home. Next message was that bil thought it would be better to meet him for drinks..

Show quote history

Well meeting in you home wasn't a great idea neutral ground sounds much more sensible. It sounds like you just want to create more drama to be honest?

slideitoverthere · 04/07/2025 18:53

Either you feel like your Dh has your back or you don't. I think he should meet his brother alone, they can then thrash everything out. Your Dh will no doubt back you, defend you etc. What are you so worried about?

Honestly, this is his brother. He wants to meet up with him. The whole we come as a team is a little immature. Unless of course in future when your own children get partners you never get to see your child alone ever again.

GuevarasBeret · 04/07/2025 18:55

I would see a spouse that felt entitled to gatekeep my relationship with my sibling as very very controlling. We would instantly recognize that dynamic if you were the male partner, and see it for the red flag it is.

I can get that the normal rules don’t apply. But if there are other people where he needs to (in effect) get your permission before speaking to them, then maybe a bit of the problem is you.

Assuming the above is not the case, I think it is clear that after ten years your husband has your back. It would seem to me that there are many appropriate situations for him to speak with his brother alone, e.g. a dying parent/sibling perhaps in pain, wants to see their child or brother, and doesn’t want you around.
Families are complex, and depending on what “horrible” actually looked like I would try to take the moral high ground.
Do you feel more secure in yourself now, or is this still very raw for you?

AlannaOfTrebond · 04/07/2025 18:58

I'm NC with my inlaws due to their treatment of me, but I would never want DH to lose contact with his family.

Maintain the moral high ground by being the reasonable person in this scenario.

Oodlesof · 04/07/2025 19:00

After 10 years, this seems like a cautious and sensible first step.

AbzMoz · 04/07/2025 19:03

BiL suggestion is very sensible and reasonable. Neutral space which both can leave and both have other spectators to stop it getting too heated; just the two of them, having a first conversation… it’s a good idea.

It’s the first meeting for a very long time, and will probably be mostly around just seeing that they’re each doing ok and thinking about how they can show some intent to improve the situation and figure out a way forward. Nothing will get done and dusted on day 1.

I will say too - if you’re the most aggrieved person here it can be more helpful in having your DH as your advocate: him saying ‘7372 was really hurt by xyz and really needs to hear an apology before she can think about moving on’ is more powerful and could lead to some progress rather than you saying ‘you hurt me’.

You do sound very hurt (likely justifiably) but if you’re so close to it you’ll see the malice in every move (eg you saying they’ve moved the goalpost.) Do try and keep a neutral tone and maybe accept that this will be very hard for DH.

Disturbia81 · 04/07/2025 19:05

It’s his brother so it’s best he meets him alone.

CheezePleeze · 04/07/2025 19:06

Your DH obviously wants to build a bridge too otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to meet him at all.

I agree with his brother that meeting on neutral ground for a drink between the two of them sounds best.

Original poster
7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:32

InterestedBeing · 04/07/2025 18:45

It's his brother. Probably best he meets him without you to see where the land lies.

I was not going to be at home when he came x

OP posts:
Original poster
7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:34

AlannaOfTrebond · 04/07/2025 18:58

I'm NC with my inlaws due to their treatment of me, but I would never want DH to lose contact with his family.

Maintain the moral high ground by being the reasonable person in this scenario.

It wasn't only me they were horrible too. They were horrible to him long before I even met him.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 04/07/2025 19:37

7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:32

I was not going to be at home when he came x

Show quote history

If that's the case, why can't they meet away from your home?

Is there even a slight chance your husband is afraid this will upset you too much, so is trying to keep the peace?

Why aren't you encouraging him to just go and meet him outside? If he's up to something, he can just cut him off again.

Original poster
7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:38

CheezePleeze · 04/07/2025 19:06

Your DH obviously wants to build a bridge too otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to meet him at all.

I agree with his brother that meeting on neutral ground for a drink between the two of them sounds best.

How does my dh know that more than him wont arrive. There is no trust. It was me that said to him he could see what he has to say when it was going to be at our home. X

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 04/07/2025 19:41

It is his brother let them talk and sort stuff out, your husband knows your views i am sure he will keep them in mind.

Original poster
7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:42

Coffeeishot · 04/07/2025 19:41

It is his brother let them talk and sort stuff out, your husband knows your views i am sure he will keep them in mind.

Yes i know he will. I'm not stopping him. X

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 04/07/2025 19:44

7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:32

I was not going to be at home when he came x

Show quote history

It is better they meet on neutral ground so if it doesn't go well they can part ways. Dh and his brother fell out for years they met up because there was a family matter to deal with, but it was in a public place .

tripleginandtonic · 04/07/2025 19:44

7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:32

I was not going to be at home when he came x

Show quote history

So what difference does meeting at the pub nake then?

Staffling · 04/07/2025 19:44

7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:38

How does my dh know that more than him wont arrive. There is no trust. It was me that said to him he could see what he has to say when it was going to be at our home. X

Show quote history

Apologies. I misread your post.