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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Both of us or none of us!!!

40 replies

7372dm · 04/07/2025 18:44

We have been no contact with inlaws for 10 years.. bil has reached out to dh but wants to meet him away from our family home so I'm not included...
The reason we went no contact they were horrible to me...
I think we should stick together as team. Build bridges with both of us.. how would you deal with this

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 04/07/2025 19:47

7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:38

How does my dh know that more than him wont arrive. There is no trust. It was me that said to him he could see what he has to say when it was going to be at our home. X

Show quote history

Well then the pub should be fine

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/07/2025 19:49

If your DH wants to consider rebuilding a relationship with his brother then the two of them meeting on neutral ground without you there is the right approach. You say the family were horrible to your DH before you, all of the family or just the parents? I’m wondering if he grew up in an abusive situation and that his brother is potentially also a victim. A lot more information is needed to say whether they should meet or not, but definitely just the two of them on neutral ground if they do meet.

Flashahah · 04/07/2025 19:51

Let them meet on neutral ground, where it needs to remain calm.

They’re the ones that need to sort this out.

Original poster
7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:51

AbzMoz · 04/07/2025 19:03

BiL suggestion is very sensible and reasonable. Neutral space which both can leave and both have other spectators to stop it getting too heated; just the two of them, having a first conversation… it’s a good idea.

It’s the first meeting for a very long time, and will probably be mostly around just seeing that they’re each doing ok and thinking about how they can show some intent to improve the situation and figure out a way forward. Nothing will get done and dusted on day 1.

I will say too - if you’re the most aggrieved person here it can be more helpful in having your DH as your advocate: him saying ‘7372 was really hurt by xyz and really needs to hear an apology before she can think about moving on’ is more powerful and could lead to some progress rather than you saying ‘you hurt me’.

You do sound very hurt (likely justifiably) but if you’re so close to it you’ll see the malice in every move (eg you saying they’ve moved the goalpost.) Do try and keep a neutral tone and maybe accept that this will be very hard for DH.

Edited

Thank you. Bil is a heavy drinker so going for a drink nothing worthwhile will come from it. Dh was left really hurt by them. Also they ignored me at family gatherings. Dirty looks and I honestly did nothing on them. A happy marrage lovely home well educated children.. dh in a great job... I will take on board what yiu say thank you x

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 04/07/2025 19:53

GuevarasBeret · 04/07/2025 18:55

I would see a spouse that felt entitled to gatekeep my relationship with my sibling as very very controlling. We would instantly recognize that dynamic if you were the male partner, and see it for the red flag it is.

I can get that the normal rules don’t apply. But if there are other people where he needs to (in effect) get your permission before speaking to them, then maybe a bit of the problem is you.

Assuming the above is not the case, I think it is clear that after ten years your husband has your back. It would seem to me that there are many appropriate situations for him to speak with his brother alone, e.g. a dying parent/sibling perhaps in pain, wants to see their child or brother, and doesn’t want you around.
Families are complex, and depending on what “horrible” actually looked like I would try to take the moral high ground.
Do you feel more secure in yourself now, or is this still very raw for you?

This and on the back of today's 'my 22 yo bf of 1 year is going no contact because I eavesdropped on a private conversation' ... what exactly did they do?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 04/07/2025 20:00

Are you worried that at an outside meet, your DH will be ambushed by other relatives he wasn’t expecting?

Original poster
7372dm · 04/07/2025 20:02

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 04/07/2025 20:00

Are you worried that at an outside meet, your DH will be ambushed by other relatives he wasn’t expecting?

He is afraid of that x he only agreed to meet because I said listen to what he has to say x

OP posts:
Utterlyconfusednow · 04/07/2025 20:04

7372dm · 04/07/2025 20:02

He is afraid of that x he only agreed to meet because I said listen to what he has to say x

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You sound controlling xx

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 04/07/2025 20:05

If it is being done with urgency, have you considered that someone in the family might be seriously ill?

ARichtGoodDram · 04/07/2025 20:08

He is afraid of that x he only agreed to meet because I said listen to what he has to say x

If he's concerned about an ambush then a neutral venue is a much better idea than your home.

At your home there is nowhere for your DH to escape to.

A pub or cafe gives exits if needed, and even toilets if a moment is needed.

It also gives CCTV and witnesses if anything horrendous happens (or is falsely accused).

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 04/07/2025 20:45

7372dm · 04/07/2025 20:02

He is afraid of that x he only agreed to meet because I said listen to what he has to say x

Show quote history

There’s nothing to stop them talking on the phone. Maybe that would be a better first step.

AbzMoz · 04/07/2025 20:46

7372dm · 04/07/2025 19:51

Thank you. Bil is a heavy drinker so going for a drink nothing worthwhile will come from it. Dh was left really hurt by them. Also they ignored me at family gatherings. Dirty looks and I honestly did nothing on them. A happy marrage lovely home well educated children.. dh in a great job... I will take on board what yiu say thank you x

Show quote history

Hadn’t accounted that ‘a drink’ may turn into a session, apologies. Can a coffee shop work or both agree to stick to low alcohol? Or meet on a lunchtime with a set evening plan which means they’ll finish up for that day?

Might it be good to put a bit of a time limit on it and make clear this is a ‘first’ meet so they aren’t going to cover the entire world all at once?

CheezePleeze · 04/07/2025 21:32

The BIL being a heavy drinker has nothing to do with it unless he's going to pin his brother down and pour it in his mouth.

He can get the chat out of the way and leave him to drink as much as he wants.

Original poster
7372dm · 08/07/2025 21:52

Just an update. Bil rang dh constantly on Friday night. Sent disrespectful messages. Give an inch

OP posts:
Original poster
7372dm · 08/07/2025 21:55

My dh doesn't doesn't drink

OP posts:
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