mum offering £ to my partner

[follythefox]

Been with my partner for 14yrs. No kids by choice. Both mid 50s. A major issue in our relationship has been (from my pov) him and finances. He came with nothing to bring to the table, at all, and, frankly, freeloaded for far too long.

Repeatedly been a contentious issue. Not least as he has always gone to his mum whenever he had a £ crisis, which I find infantilising. A thousand here, more thousands there. £25k to put towards a property with me [I offered for him to buy additional shares in the house, as and when he could save up, to increase his stake. He never did.]

After splitting up last yr we have decided to remain in our relationship [because despite how this sounds, there really is a lot to love about him] but just live in separate houses.

I returned his £25k + the small interest that tiny % of the house had accrued, and his mum gave him ANOTHER £90k so he could buy a house by himself [his wages are very low and therefore could only get small mortgage; without his mum he wouldn't have got a house at all].

Finds money for his wine consumption which he won't talk about and which has been excessive.

Could only scrape the purchase of a house in total and absolute need of EVERYTHING doing to it - with no budget. Back to his mum. Who is loaning him £10k.

Today MY mum, who is fully aware of how his failure to financially plan throughout his life has been a huge problem in our relationship, has texted him to say she will pay to have his living room plastered, new kitchen floor and "we'll talk about your kitchen later".

I am incensed.

She and I have a difficult relationship and whilst she is genuinely generous, she uses £ in a manipulative way that I really don't like.

When partner and I split up last yr, she texted him [without telling me] to ask if they could meet alone. To his credit he didn't go.

I am against 2 mothers who do nothing but continue to infantilise this 56yr old man, and make it additionally hard for me to try to help him/us to have a mature relationship with our (still, in some ways) conjoined finances. I have been angry with his mum (silently) about her failure to inculcate any financial responsibility in him, and now my mum.

I am so angry right now.

AIBU?

I would be really angry about this! Time to end the relationship I think OP.

Eww. Is she after him herself?

With which one of them??

Your mother's behaviour is dreadful. If your relationship is on the acrimonious side she won't be doing it out of the goodness of her heart. I'd cut her off and him as well, if he accepts her offer.

The boyfriend obviously.

From your OP he's a financially reckless scrounger AND a borderline alcoholic. I'm sorry but you are also enabling his behaviour by accepting it because there's apparently a lot to love about him, so why can't they? You can be angry at your mum and his mum all you like, but in reality this is who HE is and that's not going to change. If it wasn't them letting him freeload, it would be someone else. YOU included.

How on earth could you possibly be in a relationship with a man willing to take money from SOMEONE ELSE'S mother (who is I am guessing retired and/or elderly).

It is actually sickening.

I would tell my mum that is she wants a relationship with me then she needs to stop giving him money.

You can't control the relationship between him and his own mum, but honestly... OP, you need to throw this one back.

Does she maybe think that she’s helping you in getting him more settled and better able to be in a relationship with you?

He’s 56 and looking for a bail out from his mother and even worse, yours. Truly
shocking.

What’s her motivation?

Honestly, I have no idea. It may well be what 'ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine' just suggested, but I don't like it, all the same. I feel it undermines me and us.

I would dump him, how can you respect a man that would take money from your mother.

Well you can't change him. Freeloading alcoholics gonna.

Aah that’s low OP. I’d feel furious and hurt by that. You need to talk with your mother though just to find out her motivation. Is he worth all this?

YABU to have remained in a relationship with this man-child!

Your mum isn't the only issue.

You have a fairly disappointing man and yet he has three grown adult women completely indulging him.

His mum and your mum doing so financially- stupid but maybe they are wealthy or can afford to lose it.

You, on the other hand, are absolutely insane to indulge this crap for 14 years. A man so financially incontinent that you even have to love separately.

You need to look at you and your behaviour first!

I'd dump him and go NC with your mother. She sounds a pain in the arse and completely unsupportive.

Honestly, neither of them bring anything to your life.

I completely agree. OP's mum's offer to give him money is purely to wind OP up and if he accepts it, he would be gone too.

I'd dump him, too, and let your mum decide what she's going to do about his new kitchen without your input.

The only person I can understand is his mum - if she's elderly she's probably really worried about his financial instability and wants to solve the problem for him. That's not the right thing to do but it is understandable.

I can't understand you staying with him. He doesn't have a spine.

I can't understand your mum at all and wonder whether she likes the attention from him.

I agree.
Its up to his mum what she does for him.

And tell your mum... Don't give him any money.
Im sure your home could do with a revamp now he's moved out.

You are not living together any more and therefore he's not really your partner because of the conditions made you ask him to move out.. in a while you might well have been ready to continue to split up completely.

But you can't allow your Mum to do this in the vague hope that you two might get back together or that everything will work out. It will only make things worse. Let her know that very firmly. Why is she interfering like this and allowing her self to be petitioned by this scrounger. The fact that he asked her at all is Icks ville.

She's giving away money that might be used for her care when she's older ... or that might enable you to access extra care/help/transport etc for her.. and she's giving it to this idiot. He won't be turning up to help her. I guarantee you that. I hope you can make her see sense.

Let his mum look after him.

That's another level of disfunction

His mum hasn’t done him any favours in the past to give him any incentive to be financially responsible but he is not going to change now. If she has plenty of money it makes sense to pass it down (she must be in her 70/80s). Your mum would be crazy to give or lend him anything.

I’d split with him properly and stop muddying the waters; it may help your mum see she has no responsibility for him. You just need to step away; if not car what his mum does but your mum’s actions seem strange for sure.

I agree with this.

Make it very clear to your DM he is out of your life an addict and financial abuser.

I voted YABU because it’s a futile waste of time trying to change a 57 year old man who has been bailed out by his mother forever and and now by your mother.

If as you say there are things you love about him despite his alchoholic failure to launch financially then you need to accept that it comes with his mother continuing to support him financially so I don’t see the point being upset especially if it’s silently.

Your mother is a different story, you say you have a difficult relationship with her so I would read her the riot act to stop reaching out to him and interfering, and also tell him to refuse any offer of help from her.

The big question is does he want to take the help from your mother?

End the one with him and put the other one on notice.
What does your mother think she is doing? Fix his house and you'll move to live with him? Fuck that. If she wants to contribute $$ she should give it to you, not him!