mum offering £ to my partner

[follythefox]

Been with my partner for 14yrs. No kids by choice. Both mid 50s. A major issue in our relationship has been (from my pov) him and finances. He came with nothing to bring to the table, at all, and, frankly, freeloaded for far too long.

Repeatedly been a contentious issue. Not least as he has always gone to his mum whenever he had a £ crisis, which I find infantilising. A thousand here, more thousands there. £25k to put towards a property with me [I offered for him to buy additional shares in the house, as and when he could save up, to increase his stake. He never did.]

After splitting up last yr we have decided to remain in our relationship [because despite how this sounds, there really is a lot to love about him] but just live in separate houses.

I returned his £25k + the small interest that tiny % of the house had accrued, and his mum gave him ANOTHER £90k so he could buy a house by himself [his wages are very low and therefore could only get small mortgage; without his mum he wouldn't have got a house at all].

Finds money for his wine consumption which he won't talk about and which has been excessive.

Could only scrape the purchase of a house in total and absolute need of EVERYTHING doing to it - with no budget. Back to his mum. Who is loaning him £10k.

Today MY mum, who is fully aware of how his failure to financially plan throughout his life has been a huge problem in our relationship, has texted him to say she will pay to have his living room plastered, new kitchen floor and "we'll talk about your kitchen later".

I am incensed.

She and I have a difficult relationship and whilst she is genuinely generous, she uses £ in a manipulative way that I really don't like.

When partner and I split up last yr, she texted him [without telling me] to ask if they could meet alone. To his credit he didn't go.

I am against 2 mothers who do nothing but continue to infantilise this 56yr old man, and make it additionally hard for me to try to help him/us to have a mature relationship with our (still, in some ways) conjoined finances. I have been angry with his mum (silently) about her failure to inculcate any financial responsibility in him, and now my mum.

I am so angry right now.

AIBU?

I'm glad you've made him move out. I don't understand how you can still want a relationship with this man - how can you possibly be attracted to a man who can't provide for himself, much less you? Who is dependent on alcohol and hand outs from you, his mother and now your mother? I really think you should look up codependency, this relationship has benefitted you in some way - namely, that you're able to feel superior, probably. And that he likely won't leave you because he is a loser. You likely have poor selfesteem. If this recent behaviour of your mother towards him is typical of her character, I can understand why you would have low SE.
I'm so, so tired of seeing women settle for such useless men.

He's a loser, but his relationship with his mother and her finances are their business.

Your mother is yours.
Step away from her.
She sounds toxic.
Sticking her nose into your relationship like that.
Clearly trying to buy him.

Time to dump him fully.

I don’t think you have any choice but to end the relationship. It’s all so toxic and enmeshed with both MILs.