How to tell a bridesmaid I don’t want her to be anymore?

[MummaHud]

I’m 7 weeks from getting married, and my bridesmaid and friend of years, has been every toxic towards me, it came to a head in a conversation we had yesterday. Very much gaslighting, bullying, passive aggressive, patronising behaviours.

my partner is seeing it and he is really not impressed and it’s happening infront of other people, I feel embarrassed.

I don’t want her in my bridal party anymore.

Would need more specific detail as women sometimes turn into bridezillas with OTT expectations. What did she say?

Send her a message: “I’m really upset that you said x to me yesterday. I don’t want you to attend my wedding anymore. Hope you can understand that and perhaps we can talk it through after the wedding as I have a lot going on right now.”

What did she say?

You need to tell her then. You don't sound like you're being unreasonable if she's being a dick to you. I think send the message suggested in the post above. I hope you have a wonderful day went comes

Is there someone a bit more objective than your partner you could talk to?

It was the other way round for me. I pulled out of being a friends bridesmaid just 3 weeks before the wedding.

I put up with so many judgemental comments and borderline bullying for many years, she went a bit bridezilla and would be fuming at me if I couldn’t attend things at the drop of the hat.

I snapped 3 weeks before the wedding and couldn’t bare pretending to be all fine and dandy when deep down, I just didn’t want to be her bridesmaid (or friend!) anymore

I sent her a text saying that I couldn’t over look her behaviour anymore and I knew she wouldn’t change as I’ve given her chances before. I knew she’d be upset, but I had to do what we best for me and step back from the friendship which meant in turn no longer being bridesmaid. I wished her all the best on her big day and future, but that was it for our friendship now.

I felt guilty (I’m sure you feel guilty too) but honestly, better to Chuck her out the party now than leave it to the last minuite like I did - or, even worse, have her on the big day when you don’t want her to be

That is batshit.

' you can fuck off my wedding but we'll have a coffee in a month or so'

Be prepared for the fall out, my husband sacked his sister as my bridesmaid as she had been an absolute nightmare in the run up to the wedding, caused a lot of stress over lots of things and I honestly wasn't a bridezilla.

She refused to speak to me on the day, carried on being horrid afterwards as well - the relationship has never repaired even 12 years on. However I do not regret it for one minute, she ruined what should have been a lovely time and I spent my wedding day on egg shells waiting for her to be a nightmare.

Whatever you do, don’t do it by messaging. It’ll turn into an escalating message war and terrible things will be written. I know it feels easier, but difficult conversations should be done in person so that you can keep it civil.

just Do it. I wish I had.

I suggest then you revoke her wedding invite completely and save face by saying she’s ill.

I think you were both brave for sacking her from bridesmaid but still letting her come to the wedding! You made the right choice, but why spend your whole day on egg shells

Don’t text her! Christ.

I can’t see the benefit of having bridesmaids these days as there always seems to be drama over the incredibly lengthy, expensive and complied preparation periods required now and someone from at least one side is always disappointing someone else. Tbh I would say just suck it up, reduce all the events involving bridesmaids for the rest of the time and just know that she will be a tiny part of your wedding day.

Is your dp really engaging with this or is he just agreeing with what you tell him about her for a quiet life? Tbh wouldn’t he really want you just not to be having big rows he has to hear about?

I don’t think OP should “suck it up” and have a crappy friend by her side on her big day.

Some partners don’t agree for a “quiet life” and actually do care about what’s going on in their partners life

Husbands sister - not a lot of choice about it without it going even more nuclear than it was!!!

Trust me the stand up row in Toby Carvery 6 weeks after was spectacular!

Are you a bridezilla?

Can you elaborate?

She may be relieved if you sack her.

Though its difficult to tell with so little info in OP

Deffo more context needed!

Sorry, but it’s your wedding day and if you feel she has been awful [and DHtobe agrees] then you are within your rights to tell her she is out. I’d send a more strongly suggested text:

‘Dear XX, I am really upset by what you said/did yesterday and feel it is part of an escalating set of incidents that have been upsetting not only to me but others who have observed it. I am afraid I now feel we are no longer the friends that I thought we were and would prefer not to have you attend my wedding in any capacity. It’s a special day both for me and my soon to be DH - and our families - and we really only want to share it with people who genuinely care for us. We now realise you are not one of those people. Regards.’

the only thing that I would consider is has she spent money for anything?

Hen do, hotel room, shoes etc. You would need to reimburse her for that really.

It doesn’t really matter. OP doesn’t want her there. Whatever has led to the fall out, that won’t change.

We need more info op

Really? She’s the one who’s been behaving badly - gaslighting, bullying, patronising etc. Why would she still be invited to the wedding? It would be worse to demote her as a bridesmaid and still have her at the wedding. At the same time you can signal that you’re willing to work through the conflict and remain friends in the future once everything has calmed down.

Although I think the message the next poster suggested is better than my suggestion.

What SeaShellsSanctuary1 means is that it’s an absurd idea to kick someone out of your wedding but wanting to discuss what lead to it with the very same person after the wedding. The kicked-out bridesmaid is highly unlikely to sit down and discuss this with the bride.