How to tell a bridesmaid I don’t want her to be anymore?

[MummaHud]

I’m 7 weeks from getting married, and my bridesmaid and friend of years, has been every toxic towards me, it came to a head in a conversation we had yesterday. Very much gaslighting, bullying, passive aggressive, patronising behaviours.

my partner is seeing it and he is really not impressed and it’s happening infront of other people, I feel embarrassed.

I don’t want her in my bridal party anymore.

I think people see others’ true colours at events like weddings, births, deaths & funerals. It’s usually behaviour that was therefore before but becomes more pronounced/toxic. Before you decide to uninvite her I’d consider what role she has in your immediate circle if any. Is she retaliatory & will she make trouble, slander or try to smear your reputation as a result? Ie slag you off to all the wedding party & make you out to be the one at fault? Are you simply friends not related? As ongoing relationship(s) will need managing & if tied to her in any way (as with family) will be harder to disentangle from going forwards potentially. Without any more context difficult to say - if me I’d be terminating the friendship or going no contact after as if what’s she’s doing is so serious/toxic there’d be no way you could salvage a friendship with them. Presumably others in your circle & wedding know what she’s like?? Are you completely sure your side in this is completely blame free? What is she doing or saying that’s proving so tricky? What demands or expectations are you placing on her that she’s reacting so badly to? Not that you’re being a zilla, some pple just cannot cope with having to defer to the “rules” & conform to someone else’s wishes (no matter how reasonable those rules /expectations are). I’d point this out & rather than say you’re hurt etc demonstrate how she’s clearly unable to perform in the way you need her to in order to do the role of bridesmaid. Eg refusing to wear x or wanting to do y. I’d simply treat it like it’s a job she’s not capable of doing & you can see how unhappy it’s making her. Better that you don’t ask her to do something she so clearly is unhappy doing. You’d like her to do x but you can see how unhappy she is about doing that & so best all round that she doesn’t after all. And that’s ok. You want one thing & she wants another. You can’t see any other solution so best option will to relieve her of that duty to you altogether. And that’s that! Just be prepared for some fallout!

It will cause a permanent rift, but if you are upset and you have tried discussing it with no improvement then yes you need to tell her.

It depends on the details of what happened before we can advise

I would look at this behaviour against the wider background of the friendship. If you have been friends for a decade, for example, and mostly good, I would be inclined to sort it out with her. Not via text!

Meet up with her and find out what is going on. Take it from there.

Exactly!!!!! Face to face.

My sister had a massive falling out with her best friend before her wedding due to her constantly bitching and making digs.

Turned out the friend was furious that DSis was getting married before her as she always assumed she would be the first to do it. Her BF at the time was a total commitmentphobe. If he didnt want to marry the wonderful perfect friend then no one would possibly want to marry Dsis would they? Looking back Dsis realised that the "friend" had always needed to be Queen Bee and treated sis like her entourage. She needed to be biggest, best, first...sis getting married first took her down a peg or two and she didnt like it one bit.

Any chance its anything like that?

Be straight . Tell her you don’t like her behaviour and she is uninvited . I had to uninvite a friend couple , was not easy but I’m so glad I did it

Simple text saying something like, I think after our conversation yesterday, i would (and I’m sure you would also prefer) you not to be in the wedding party anymore.

I would just phone her & be quite frank. She’s out.

Well it's hard to tell without knowing what on earth is going on really. What has she said and done.

There doesn’t have to be a text war if you block her immediately after sending her a message.

’Beatrice, the falling out we had recently has made me realise our friendship is over and I don’t want any bad feeling at my wedding and I’m sure you don’t want to feel obliged to attend, so let’s consider the matter dealt with and you are no longer bridesmaid and will not be attending mine and Brian’s wedding as a guest.

We had some good, fun times over the years which I will always have fond memories of, but the friendship has now run its course and I wish you well for the future, Marie.’

It’s crossing the Rubicon -

so you either say ‘I’ve really valued our friendship over the years, but I have been appalled by XYZ behaviour, and I am afraid I don’t want you as a bridesmaid or at my wedding . I wish you well of course, but our friendship is over.’

or you tell her to stop being a twat and put up her as a bridesmaid