To think he should offer to pay for me to go on the holiday

[GoInTheDaxrk]

I’ve never been on holiday, literally never. Grew up in a poor family and couldn’t even afford caravan holidays. Then in my teens and early 20s never had any friends to go away with (I have autism so never made deep friendships). Closest thing I’ve had to a holiday was a long weekend in Newcastle for a wedding.

I’m absolutely desperate to go abroad but have never managed. Every time I save a bit up, the car conks out, or I’ve had to lend money to my sibling who is a single parent and living on the breadline (bailiffs at door etc amongst other emergencies). I know that’s on me and not anyone else’s problem but it gets me down. I had South of France booked with a cousin for July 2020 but you all know what happened then, and then after lockdown lifted she went away without me and didn’t invite me again.

Anyway, been with boyfriend now for 2 years. We haven’t moved in together yet but planning by end of year. We’ve had a spa break together for one night and I adored it and he knows how much I’d like to go abroad and we’ve got tentative future plans once our financial situation settles, but if my luck continues as it has been a holiday won’t be on cards for a while. I’m in a minimum wage job and with my autism and executive functioning difficulties that go along with it, I would struggle in a job paying much more than minimum wage as I can’t cope with too much pressure, so I can’t rely on my pay ever increasing.

Partner’s family have a yearly trip to Rhodes, Greece. His brother’s both bring their long-term partners who they have kids with. I wasn’t invited last year, but didn’t mind as we hadn’t been together that long. They’ve now booked it again for August this year (it has to be August because nieces and nephews in school). Partners parents have paid for him, as they always do. I was invited too. I was so excited and grateful to be invited, and checked the cost as I of course didn’t expect DP parent’s to pay for me too. They are quite well-off and like an upmarket hotel, think a swim-up room, al a carte menu every night etc so it’s a pricey hotel. I would be £1100 to add me on an all-inclusive package in the hotel they are at, and not much less for half-board. I cannot afford it. Physically don’t have the money and can’t get credit nor would I want to. I spoke with my partner about this sort of expecting him to offer to pay. I’ve never asked for anything from him but thought he’d really want me to come but he just wasn’t arsed and shrugged his shoulders saying maybe next time and joked that I’ll enjoy the break from him. What really hurt me is when he suggested I get an AirBandB near their hotel and can self-cater to save money but meet up with them. That enraged me to be honest. I would feel like riff-raff, hanging around outside trying to see them and yet not allowed into their ‘exclusive’ resort. I told him as such, told him it was a vile thing to suggest and he fell out with me.

I know he can afford it, he is buying an £18,000 car outright soon and has more money put away. I just feel so hurt and rejected. I know it’s cheeky for me to expect him to pay but it just feels like I’m not important to him. I love his family and it would’ve made my year to be able to go and I’d have appreciated it so much.

Several posters do have a point - as an autistic person who has not travelled before, would it even be in your best interest to go abroad with a large group with all the crowds, hot weather, possible flight delays etc?

Every autistic person is different (I'm one myself) and you know yourself, but it is something to think about.

For £500, why not take yourself off on a short mini break? (Stuff him).

Him not offering to pay for you or to help you pay is one thing but then suggesting that you stay somewhere else and self cater is insulting.

I wouldn't move in with him.

That is ridiculous when you both know the only solution is his parents paying for you.

The alternative to this is he could be thinking 'if she really wanted to be there she'd have actually asked me'.

I'm so sorry but (in the parlance) he's just not that into you. He just doesn't see you as a partnership or someone he values/wants to spend quality time with. Sooner or later this will become more obvious to you and ultimately, untenable. Personally I would move on now and find someone who can't imagine experiencing new places and fun things without wanting you by their side to share them. Hopefully you will soon find a DP who will be happier going on a bargain break with you than a luxury holiday without you.

@SunShow no alarms here, been together almost 8 years now

YANBU. I agree with PP this is a bad sign.

Early in my relationship with my bf, I went to a festival with my dad and sister. A little family thing we do together rather than a holiday. I wanted my bf to come, he earns less than me and couldn’t afford it, so I paid for us both. There were no difficult conversations as I sensed where he was at financially so I just offered it, as I wanted him there.

Of course on MN you shouldn’t go on holiday with a man until you e dated for at least 5 years 🙄

I don't equate him not paying, with not being into you.

That said, I think you are exceptionally unreasonable to expect him to pay. Why on earth should he? You're boyfriend and girlfriend, not even co-habiting, earn the same money, and expect him to cover you. Why should he?

I think the airbnb response was fine, showed he'd like you there if you can afford it yourself.

Shoe was on the other foot, people would be calling him a freeloader

he benefits from free holidays from them and gets given money for emergencies

Below...In your own words from your OP

or I’ve had to lend money to my sibling who is a single parent and living on the breadline (bailiffs at door etc amongst other emergencies).

Both you and his parents are helping out close family members.

The only difference between his parents giving him money and you giving your sibling money seems to be they can afford do so.

Clearly by you expecting others to pay for your holiday you can't afford to be "lending" money, maybe they see this and don't see why in the long run they should be subbing your sibling.

You may be dodging a bullet here, family holidays are rarely all light and laughter, especially if parents paying for it all. And you are a virtual stranger, you could find yourself hiding in your room!

The idea of going to an air BNB is also faulty, most places self catering costs more than all inclusive, unless you live on toast and don't go out the whole time. You also won't be seeing your boyfriend because he'll be eating and drinking at the hotel!

Ideally, your boyfriend isn't completely uncaring, he just doesn't see what the big deal is with this holiday, it's just what he does with his parents.

If he is any use to you at all, the two of you can book a morderately priced break for yourselves in September.

All the best

Surely his suggestion of an AirBnB was exactly that - and you clearly didn’t welcome that suggestion!

Given that his earnings are low, and similar to yours, I think it would be completely unreasonable to expect him to pay £1000 for you to go on holiday. It would be a huge proportion of is salary. Whether his parents should pay is a different matter, as presumably they could afford to, but it would be awkward to pay for you if they don’t pay for their other children’s partners.

Far better to miss this one and save up for a cheaper holiday with just him where you can go as equals.

It’s wild that he is spending this on a new car rather than a house deposit. He’s not making good financial decisions.

Does he even have the money to pay for you? Sorry but I actually think you think you’re entitled to his parents money.

The money gap is too wide. Move on from him, it will only get worse.

I can see both sides really.

He's already getting a free place so paying for half the cost of yours is effectively splitting the cost of you having a holiday together. Plus it will of course be hurtful that he doesn't seem to care if you go or not.

From his side, one of the main attractions of going on a family holiday is probably that is free. By paying for you to come (or even half) means his "free" holiday is suddenly going to cost between £600-1100. And he probably doesn't want to set a precedent whereby he always pays for you or subsidises your holidays.

It sounds like the idea of having holidays is really appealing to you. You can probably afford to save for a modest holiday particularly as you don't need to go in term time, can choose when and where and without the added stress of your partners family being there.

When I first got together with my husband my MIL who was very overbearing announced that she would really like us to come to her home country for a big family reunion the following year. She made it sound like her treat but I was sceptical. Sure enough it emerged that we were expected to pay for our own flights (ok) and accommodation (she was staying with family) and a whole programme of excursions already agreed (bloody expensive). I thought no, if it was mainly a treat I would consider it but it's a whole chunk of annual leave and a lot of my hard earned cash to pay for a trip which I've had no say in choosing. Husband said "she's going to be really upset" and I said OK if you feel that strongly so you can be paying for us both. Reader, he didn't and neither of us went!

Have a good think about whether this man is right for you. I've got an uncomfortable feeling he'll be happy to enjoy his free holiday and other treats every year while you go without or do something cheaper on your own. A selfish mummy's boy and I bet that's just how his parents like it.

If you want to go then you should pay for it yourself. I think it’s unreasonable that you expect him or his family to do so!

At the beginning of our relationship my partner bought a couple of holidays for us but they were for us. But he was earning considerably more than me at the time.
If youbare both earning the same then I would think that you should go equalshare.
However, I dont think this is the holiday to do it on.
You should plan an affordable trip for you both and save together for it.
His expensive family trip probably iant the best place to have your first holiday. And then if he did pay you would be kind of obligated to do everything he and his family want to do.

But that was a legit response to you saying you could spend £500. He knows you want a holiday/to join them out there, but you can only afford £500 so he suggested an option you could afford. It'd be different if he was loaded but as you know he only earns the same as you, it's mad that you think he should pay your way. The fact he's splashed out recently on a car means he's even less likely to have £600 to blow on you. You keep saying you know it's cheeky to expect him to pay for your and yet that what's you expected to happen. His parents' money doesn't really come into it. He's lucky they can treat him or get him out of holes, but it's their money not his and certainly not yours. Maybe if you were married they pay for you as family or he'd have a different set-up with you sharing family expenses, but as it stands, you're a girlfriend of 2 years and don't get £600 for nothing. You can have a holiday with your £500 if you want.

That might not work out for OP. She'll be excluded from a lot of this holiday. That means DP has to give up time in the hotel to be with her. If he can't afford his own 5* trips he might want to make the most of it while he can. How much time would he really spend with her while everyone else is living the high life down the street?

@GoInTheDaxrk do you get the money back that you loan your sibling? If not, please stop seeing it as a loan, it is a gift. One it sounds like you can't afford to give. Your sibling, if renting, could very well have a higher income than you if they are a single parent. You need to put yourself first. If I was your boyfriend I wouldn't pay for you while you bail out your sibling.

Rhodes does have different areas. It's not all Faliraki

Absolutely agree.

Parents pay for the big stuff - holidays, furniture, white goods, other items for the home, fixing or buying a car, computers, plus large cash gifts for Xmas/birthdays etc.

Adult child saves the money they would have spent on it all instead. That's how you have DP on minimum wage with savings.

Do you own a passport OP?
What about booking something overseas with your bf that fits your budget of £500? I’m assuming that you can get to an airport easily so that the £500 goes further.

He would have known there was no solution though (as you have admitted yourself) so thought it would have been a pointless exercise.