To think he should offer to pay for me to go on the holiday

[GoInTheDaxrk]

I’ve never been on holiday, literally never. Grew up in a poor family and couldn’t even afford caravan holidays. Then in my teens and early 20s never had any friends to go away with (I have autism so never made deep friendships). Closest thing I’ve had to a holiday was a long weekend in Newcastle for a wedding.

I’m absolutely desperate to go abroad but have never managed. Every time I save a bit up, the car conks out, or I’ve had to lend money to my sibling who is a single parent and living on the breadline (bailiffs at door etc amongst other emergencies). I know that’s on me and not anyone else’s problem but it gets me down. I had South of France booked with a cousin for July 2020 but you all know what happened then, and then after lockdown lifted she went away without me and didn’t invite me again.

Anyway, been with boyfriend now for 2 years. We haven’t moved in together yet but planning by end of year. We’ve had a spa break together for one night and I adored it and he knows how much I’d like to go abroad and we’ve got tentative future plans once our financial situation settles, but if my luck continues as it has been a holiday won’t be on cards for a while. I’m in a minimum wage job and with my autism and executive functioning difficulties that go along with it, I would struggle in a job paying much more than minimum wage as I can’t cope with too much pressure, so I can’t rely on my pay ever increasing.

Partner’s family have a yearly trip to Rhodes, Greece. His brother’s both bring their long-term partners who they have kids with. I wasn’t invited last year, but didn’t mind as we hadn’t been together that long. They’ve now booked it again for August this year (it has to be August because nieces and nephews in school). Partners parents have paid for him, as they always do. I was invited too. I was so excited and grateful to be invited, and checked the cost as I of course didn’t expect DP parent’s to pay for me too. They are quite well-off and like an upmarket hotel, think a swim-up room, al a carte menu every night etc so it’s a pricey hotel. I would be £1100 to add me on an all-inclusive package in the hotel they are at, and not much less for half-board. I cannot afford it. Physically don’t have the money and can’t get credit nor would I want to. I spoke with my partner about this sort of expecting him to offer to pay. I’ve never asked for anything from him but thought he’d really want me to come but he just wasn’t arsed and shrugged his shoulders saying maybe next time and joked that I’ll enjoy the break from him. What really hurt me is when he suggested I get an AirBandB near their hotel and can self-cater to save money but meet up with them. That enraged me to be honest. I would feel like riff-raff, hanging around outside trying to see them and yet not allowed into their ‘exclusive’ resort. I told him as such, told him it was a vile thing to suggest and he fell out with me.

I know he can afford it, he is buying an £18,000 car outright soon and has more money put away. I just feel so hurt and rejected. I know it’s cheeky for me to expect him to pay but it just feels like I’m not important to him. I love his family and it would’ve made my year to be able to go and I’d have appreciated it so much.

I agree with this.

If he valued your presence on the holiday, then he would have discussed it with you before jumping at the chance to go with his parents without you, knowing full well you wouldn't be able to afford it. He could have said, "oh mum, I'd love for my gf to come to but £1000+ is little too steep for her. We'll get a nearby hotel." The fact he didn't say that, makes it seem he's not that bothered about spending time with you.

When I was with my DF in the early days, I was SO excited to plan holidays with him. Oh and disclaimer, his parents are quite well off and have always offered to treat us both equally once we were a couple. I've never been excluded from an event or holiday due to finances.

There is nothing wrong with a parent paying for their adult child if they want to. My mum had always said she wanted to take us all on a Nile cruise when she retired. So when she did, we all went and it was amazing. Was I embarrassed, no. Was I grateful, of course. Would I have paid for a boyfriend with whom I wasn't living to go (she had said she'd cover live in partners) no chance.

You’re in the minority with your thinking ..
Most people in a loving relationship would pay if they could afford it for their partner, because they would want them there with them ..
Otherwise , you’re talking about Frosty people
Who wants to be with a frosty person ..

I think it's shit Op. It's a big family get together, you have been with your boyfriend for two years, his family would like to see you there, he can afford to pay for you, you can't, I think it would be natural for him to pay your costs so you can be included. Have you let him know how you feel and asked him outright?

But he cant afford it. That's the point.

Where did you pull that from. ??
18 grand on a car ??

Sensible people don’t become someone else’s piggy bank.

Show some actual commitment - living together, marriage etc, then sure we’ll merge funds, and if we can’t afford it then nobody’s going.

Otherwise - pay for your own holiday. I’m nobody’s cash cow, and wouldn’t want anyone to be mine either.

It’s a week/10 day holiday, nobody will die if they don’t go together.

It’s a tricky one - after two years you’d think you’d be able to speak openly about stuff like this.

Could you ask him to pay and you’ll pay him back £100 per month or similar?

I get what you’re saying too , just you’d imagine 2 people in a commited relationship who love one another would make it work , where that is an arrangement to pay back , whatever , could be agreed on ..

I know it’s only 7/10 days , it’s where memories are made though 🤷🏻‍♀️

I didn't realise that having a boyfriend you don't live with made you entitled to his money and his parents.

How do you define committed. In what way are they in a committed relationship. They're exclusive. Other than that, they are not married.They don't live together. They've been together two years not twenty.

I'd say it's still pretty early days to be defining.It is a committed relationship what commitment has been made other than not to date other people.

I also hate this making memories thing. What does that even mean. Everything is a memory. You're making a memory right now by posting on mumsnet. You don't make memories they just are

There’s nothing to make work - as it stands he’s going on a family holiday, and she’s not. A year’s notice to save for the next one.

Let’s face it - 2 years in and living separately, it’s not that committed yet. Maybe when it is, the “who pays” conversation will change.

Your frosty is another's financially savvy.

A lot of people in relationships don't finance their partner. They expect people to pull their weight.

I think OP is coming off entitled and transactional and opportunistic. She wants her bf to finance her going to his family's holiday while she can't afford it for multiple reasons including financing her sister. She's dropping hints about him financing her.

He's probably picking up on them and if his family is well to do, knows exactly where she's going with this. He's not going to be her sugar daddy.

YABU expecting that your boyfriend or his family pay £1100 for YOUR holiday. You sound very entitled.

But she's not in the minority. 62% od people who voted and the majority of people who have posted agree with her.

Or she could try and save the £100 per month for next year’s trip.

Many people who earn more than minimum wage can’t afford to go to five star all inclusive hotels at peak time, unfortunately this is life.

Do you think he was a bit put off by your hinting that he should pay for your holiday? I know for me, if someone 'hinted' it to me that I should contribute £600 to their holiday, it would be an instant red flag.

I’m really sorry op. I don’t think this guy is that into you. He clearly doesnt care if you come on holiday or not and that’s really sad.

And those who agree with op and that is awful and red flag that he won't pay for her...are simultaneously being derogatory to the bf as his parents are paying for him! 😆 so confusing....

I think you're cheeky expecting him to pay. I understand you're disappointed. Its not his place to fund you.

Hi OP
Audhd here (from Sussex, England)
What a painful difficult situation. I'm curious is your boyfriend also autistic /ND? His reaction seems very disconnected & not what a loving bonded moving-in-together would be like - tho if you are like me, & you say you've had difficulty with friendships (me too) you probably don't expect much.. but valuing yourself more, learning better communication, & expressing your feelings more directly is all essential or you likely end up with chronic health issues in later years (as I have) .. as Gabor Mate's book title "When the body says no" - because we haven't.
It feels to me not really about who pays or if you go, more what you said about him not responding more lovingly, not sitting down with you to figure out possibilities, & most of all him not minding if you don't go. Even tho you would love to, & get on with his family, & have been invited by them - which is right as you have been together 2 yrs & are moving in together. For me I would find it hard to forget this situation, & feeling unsupported, maybe even unloved - I obviously don't know how he is towards you other times. But this is not 'good' treatment & does not bode well for a happy life together. Money is a difficult subject for many folks. There are a lot of free things / low cost apps, & frequency healing etc about better money programming .. our childhoods do programme our subconscious mind, which apparently runs 95% of our behaviours, habits, instincts even, & if your sibling is also living in poverty then your family programming really needs clearing & changing. SynchroShakti is a lovely teacher, free videos on YouTube. Many others, I heartily recommend you to look into this. EFT aka Tapping is effective too, tho you may prefer guidance for that, but there's an app etc.
I wish you love & some way to go for This holiday, AND(!) other holidays - maybe places currently cheaper eg Poland I was astonished to hear it's possible to get a flight to Gadansk for £29!! But mostly I wish you a solid supportive loving relationship, keep your standards high.
My opinion is that you are reasonable to expect him to help financially towards you accepting the invitation, partly because he just wants you to be there because he loves you.. where there's a will there's a way as my Nanna would say. At least to share cost. Why should you pay full cost to go & him pay nothing? Maybe he could speak to his parents. To me, it would be ok to be paid for, if they understood the situation & offered, or were willing to contribute etc. It's clear you are not trying to take advantage. This is a precious opportunity for you. I feel for you. Hope you can create a happy outcome one way or another eg if you don't go to Greece this year then maybe go away somewhere cheaper or even local yourself at the same time they are away, & have a wonderful adventure. Kindness & appreciation is my motto, but I've learned the hard way that it really does need to go both ways. Huggggs xx

I don't think he is the one for you. You don't appear to have an equal partnership as you will probably always struggle for money - compared to your BF with "rich" parents. I think this holiday is a sign not to move in together or share finances as I don't think you will be happy with the him in the long term. Imagine every year being like this one - he goes away on holiday to the 5 star hotel with his parents and you stay behind - doesn't look good does it?

She said above he earns very similar to her so no, no huge discrepancy, his parents are paying for his holiday as it is their right to not pay also for the girlfriend! Ridiculous entitlement, was she expecting him to ask his parents to pay for her too? I really don't understand what was the expectation from the OP

Are you resentful his parents can afford to help him? You sound it a bit. A lot of parents who are able to help their children and adult children do so, it’s not a negative. I will help mine when they need it. Better to help them when they need it rather than save it all for a lump sum when we pass

Can someone explain to me why the OP can’t join them a few days later and stay at the same AI with money she does have saved?

I wondered too if the boyfriend might be on the spectrum and not picking on why Op was unhappy about the situation.

Op, can you speak to him really honestly and frankly and let him know how you feel? At the moment you are feeling upset and rejected but he can't put it right (and that might not be by paying) as he doesn't know. If you don't have an open and honest conversation this could build up resentment.