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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think if a BF said this?

92 replies

LuckyAquaExpert · 03/07/2025 22:48

"I'll sort myself out" when I didn't want sex. He said he was excited and wouldn't be able to sleep unless he could get pleasure.

It made my stomach turn but he's saying that it's more considerate of him.

OP posts:
Doingtheboxerbeat · 04/07/2025 00:51

I'm honestly surprised by you being in peri and never coming sorry for the pun 🫣 across this before , I thought you sounded quite young.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 04/07/2025 01:04

Wouldn’t both me at all. In fact I’d probably watch

JMSA · 04/07/2025 01:13

I get it, OP. I understand the surprise and the awkwardness.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/07/2025 01:38

YANBU

Depending on the tone it was said, it comes across as sulky and that he just wanted to use your body for pleasure, now he has the hump that he has to do it himself.

So yeah, I'd be turned off too.

If it was said in a jokey way and not a sex pest way, then I'd be fine with it.

yeticooler · 04/07/2025 01:53

Right so you don’t want sex which is fine and your right to say no. However you also don’t want him to self pleasure and have an orgasm unless you’re also in the mood however you also say you have no sex drive..

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 04/07/2025 02:18

It wouldn't bother me at all. I might watch.

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 02:21

I’d probably be a bit annoyed.

MarxistMags · 04/07/2025 02:36

Controlling ? I don't think so.Get a grip of yourselves OPs . I'd be saying 'don't make too much noise then'
Why are respondents so quick to judge on here ? And yes, I do know I'm judging too......

Teaandtoast12 · 04/07/2025 03:04

I think it really depends on how it’s being said - I was in a very controlling relationship where this was used to make me pressured into sleeping with him. Now with my current partner if he said this it would be in a more healthy honest sense of - you know what I am horny I’ll do it myself this has only ever happened a few times and it has been when I am then going out / sleep not so that he has just done it in front of me as such but I think it totally depends on the context and if you have had a controlling relationship in the past it can take a while to get used to things and see them as face value. So I do really hope you’re okay and it’s definitely okay to question something based on how it made you feel.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 04/07/2025 03:14

I'm quite prudish in many ways, I'd probably rather not know if he did masturbate to be honest. I felt awkward waiting for him to come back to bed

But why can't he have a wank lying next to you? Isn't that what you do?

simsbustinoutmimi · 04/07/2025 03:24

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 04/07/2025 03:14

I'm quite prudish in many ways, I'd probably rather not know if he did masturbate to be honest. I felt awkward waiting for him to come back to bed

But why can't he have a wank lying next to you? Isn't that what you do?

No. I wait till the next day or go out the room.

if op doesn’t want him having a wank next to her she’s valid to feel that way and for him to do it elsewhere

FeistyCat · 04/07/2025 05:40

LuckyAquaExpert · 03/07/2025 22:54

No, I just think it's odd as he never mentioned that before. He might just wait until it might suit us both

You don't know much about the male sex of the species, do you. Men can't just 'wait' until next time. Ever heard of blue balls? It's not just an excuse from men, google it. They need to masturbate.

FeistyCat · 04/07/2025 05:45

LuckyAquaExpert · 03/07/2025 23:19

I could see that viewpoint to be fair, it's his body

I'm quite prudish in many ways, I'd probably rather not know if he did masturbate to be honest. I felt awkward waiting for him to come back to bed 😅

Show quote history

I felt awkward waiting for him to come back to bed

You expect him to leave the bed to masturbate elsewhere other than his own bed? You really have control issues and issues to do with sex. And this is 2025, not the 1940s, mind you. I suggest you get therapy, and I mean that kindly. Your poor husband! I am getting an image of Hyacinth Bucket and your husband being Richard.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 04/07/2025 05:48

I'd be glad. If he has form form for being an aresehole though, it could mean he's trying to be manipulative, make you feel bad or "jealous". Personally someone needing to announce it would give me a bit of the ick

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 04/07/2025 05:50

FeistyCat · 04/07/2025 05:45

I felt awkward waiting for him to come back to bed

You expect him to leave the bed to masturbate elsewhere other than his own bed? You really have control issues and issues to do with sex. And this is 2025, not the 1940s, mind you. I suggest you get therapy, and I mean that kindly. Your poor husband! I am getting an image of Hyacinth Bucket and your husband being Richard.

Show quote history

You'd have someone masturbate next to you in bed? (While you were sleeping, reading a book etc). OK now that is weird and kindof gross. * *

SendTheNextOneIn · 04/07/2025 05:52

I think it depends on how he said it. If he was all ‘ok no problem, I’ll sort myself out’, then that’s fine. If he said it like ‘ugh, fine, I guess I’ll sort myself out then’, then no that’s not ok.

whynotmereally · 04/07/2025 05:55

In the bed next to me while I was trying to sleep would be weird but if he went to another room I’d be fine. Dh and I both know the other masterbates it’s totally normal, but we don’t tend to do it in front of each other (unless part of sex. )
If he said it and was looking at you for a reaction and didn’t seem to have any intention of leaving I can see why you might feel like he was trying to change your mind but if he had moved away and said it while getting up I’d just take it as he wanted a orgasim and you didn’t. Both are valid.

InterestedDad37 · 04/07/2025 06:04

Sounds like he took himself off to another room(bathroom?). If he was already 'rising to occasion' then yeah, it's kind of better to finish the process. As long as it wasn't said in a snidey way - depends on your relationship I suppose.
As long as he didn't go off to the kitchen 🤔🙂

MightyGoldBear · 04/07/2025 06:53

FeistyCat · 04/07/2025 05:40

You don't know much about the male sex of the species, do you. Men can't just 'wait' until next time. Ever heard of blue balls? It's not just an excuse from men, google it. They need to masturbate.

Show quote history

Blue balls is a myth. Men are quite capable of having an erection even participating in foreplay right up to near orgasm then stopping and going to sleep. They don't need to masturbate.

They are very much in control of their bodies and when they orgasm. They absolutely can wait till the next time. The body easily re absorbs sperm and creates fresh.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 04/07/2025 06:53

This is a boyfriend, not husband.
How long have they been together?
What's the sex talk like? ie how open?
Whose bed/house? Living together?

I'll sort myself is weird to say, and the, or I won't sleep is a bit 🙄
A more discreet, I'm going to take a shower before bed, would be better.

FeistyCat · 04/07/2025 07:03

MightyGoldBear · 04/07/2025 06:53

Blue balls is a myth. Men are quite capable of having an erection even participating in foreplay right up to near orgasm then stopping and going to sleep. They don't need to masturbate.

They are very much in control of their bodies and when they orgasm. They absolutely can wait till the next time. The body easily re absorbs sperm and creates fresh.

Show quote history

No it is not a myth. Google it. They experience tension and pain. Sure, they won't die or anything. But it's preferable for them to have that release. It does cause pain. Better off not doing something that will cause you pain and discomfort.

MightyGoldBear · 04/07/2025 07:05

I think you're very valid in how you feel op. I would trust your gut. What's needed is some further investigating for you in why this is causing you to feel unease. There could be lots of context here that none of us are aware of. You can set your own boundaries within your relationship. So just because other people in their relationships would find it fine doesn't mean you have to feel the same op.

Perhaps sit and imagine your ideal scenario. What that would of looked like and felt like.

Would you feel comfortable enough to have a conversation with your partner about this? Do they have the skills to hear you and understand your view point even if they don't necessarily agree?

Mama2many73 · 04/07/2025 07:12

LuckyAquaExpert · 03/07/2025 22:55

It somehow made me feel pressured. That's how I read it, wrongly or not

I think it depends on how it was suggested. Do you think it was said to pressure you into backing down?
Or could it have been said in a way that meant he was OK with you saying no but was still gonna need it himself?
That would make a difference to me. Personally I'd have said ok , crack on.mate!

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/07/2025 07:22

Yanbu, whilst he's free to do what he wants with his body he didn't need to say it to you, he should have just taken himself off to do it. I'd have not waited for him to come to bed either, I'd have been straight off to sleep.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 04/07/2025 07:26

I’m with you op, I’m a bit prudish too. I’m aware that most men will wank but it’s not really necessary to say that you are going to knock one out. I’d be surprised if someone mastrubated in bed beside me as would expect them to seek out privacy/ go for a shower or something.