New partner seems to know nothing about his DD

[Hilliebillie]

Hi all,
So I’ve been seeing someone since late last year, he’s early 50s. Told me pretty early on he has one daughter, doesn’t live in the UK (he’s not British), he told me he doesn’t see her often but they are still “close”.

Last week we were chatting about my DDs university choices so I asked if his DD went to uni, he said yeah and told me where. I asked when she graduated (he’s told me she’s 24) and he sort of stumbled and since oh 2 or 3 years ago but didn’t really seem sure. He told me a while back he hadn’t seen her in a couple of years but they message often. I don’t know why but I pressed further and tried to get him to tell me about her but he didn’t seem to know what to say, he could only show me pictures of her as a teen.

I got curious, and searched her name on LinkedIn, found her. She seems to be working in Paris but it appears she was doing a masters in London 23/24.
I said this too him and he said “oh Paris, I thought she was in Spain (his home country)” it surprised me that he didn’t know where she was living, or that she had lived in the same city as him for a year?

He showed me their messages and they seem to message once a month but it’s usually about sports , football/tennis/F1. He never seems to ask how she is.

I asked if they have fallen out, he said no she’s just busy with her own life and not a child anymore.

AIBU to think this is a red flag?

I thought it was a red flag but the last paragraph explains it. They have a good realtionship with other things to talk about another other than what they're doing. Can't say it would worry me.

I’d say it was a bit odd.

I wouldn't like that at all! She's his daughter and he doesn't even know where she's living. I'd like to hear her side of things.

I would find that weird. It’s the level of interaction with and knowledge of a friend from years ago who you used to watch sport with, or share classes with, but did very little else together.

That's so odd! Even though she's an adult, it is normal to know what country your daughter is living in. I really would find that weird and think less of him.

Exactly!

She’s an adult, They live in different countries and have common interests but are not in each others day to day lives. Also different cultures might be at play? I wouldn’t be concerned.

I have that kind of superficial, once a month or so contact relationship with my father. He would probably claim there is nothing wrong with our relationship. He would be very wrong. He was an abusive alcoholic for many years. I have a relationship with him because he really is trying to be a better man, but I will always be guarded because of the history. He has sort of blocked it all out. He either doesn’t remember or doesn’t want to remember.

just one anecdote. There could be any number of reasons they aren’t particularly close.

I would personally find it very unattractive if a man had so little interest in his own daughter.

This. I’m the child of immigrant parents and when I was living at home for a while in my early 20s, I used to disappear over weekends sometimes and my dad never cared to know what I was doing. He generally wasn’t interested in me much at all - culturally being a girl that wasn’t so odd. He just cared I was working lol and safe. I wouldn’t say he was a red flag. Was a sweet helpful guy to everyone.

Remember those old sitcoms where the adult child ringing home if the dad picked up the phone would automatically pass it to the mom - I think it just a sort of equivalent of that!

yes a red flag - he should be interested and care.
My sons father would say they’re close and they text often as we moved 5 hours away - but in all honestly my son would say that his dad knows nothing about his life or him, who he really is, I suspect it’s similar.

Yeah no, red flag, I can believe losing track if you have a bunch of kids but if you only have one this is quite poor.

He's clearly able to detach himself emotionally. I wouldn't be interested in him.

He’s not interested enough to ask her any questions about herself so doesn’t know much about her but as they message once a month, he claims they are close.
How can you be close if you don’t know much about a person, once a month is not often neither. He sounds very distant and doesn’t have much interest in his nearest and dearest, that’s a total red flag!

He wouldn't be for me.

London to Paris (or Spain) is hardly an epic journey. If I had a child there I'd make the effort to visit.

I don't think it's necessarily a 'red flag' though, unless you're planning to have children with him?

On the surface I guess like some posters say, there’s nothing wrong with it.

However, I grew up with a dad who couldn’t be bothered to visit me at all, ever. No presents, no cards, no nothing. About five letters in my whole childhood. Never came to where I lived (we were never more than five miles from where he too had lived with us), never invited me to where he lived.

My number one criteria for dating is if you have a child or children you must be a good dad. You must be involved, you must know where they are, what they’re doing, what they are working towards and so on. Any hint of vagueness and I switch off. It’s ok to be vague because I’m a complete stranger, but to be vague because you don’t know or you aren’t interested? Nah.

They’re Spanish. Not a culture known for its reserved and distant family relationships…..

It’s a red flag. A once a month text is not a relationship, he doesn’t seem to care about her, so why would he care about you?

I would be running for the hills. He clearly hasn’t seen or spoken to her in YEARS! She is not living on the moon, it’s Paris. A train ride away.

You were worried enough to fact check, that says it all.

a bit of a red flag - at the very least, he’s happy with what is in effect an acquaintance relationship with his only child, not a lot of evidence he’s invested in that relationship…

Which of them is interested in the sports and F1 - him or her?

Do they have a relationship where she only refers to stuff she knows he is interested in and he's never been interested in her as a person at all? Texting once a month, not knowing where she lives or when she graduated (she has graduated twice in fact) - all red flags that he has never been close - doesn't know the meaning of the word - and has no interest in her life at all.

It's up to you what you do with your qualms here.

Agree 100% with this.

Red flag imo. How can you say you're close to your DC and go years without seeing them? Sounds like one of those men who bleats on about how his young kids are his world but has never looked after them....this is the same thing just years down the line

I wonder if people would think this was OK if it was a mother.

I’m shocked some people think this isn’t a red flag?! He doesn’t know what country his only child is living in! That fact alone speaks volumes.

My DH is the same with his parents, they would say they are close because when they see each other they get on (once or twice a year).