New partner seems to know nothing about his DD

[Hilliebillie]

Hi all,
So I’ve been seeing someone since late last year, he’s early 50s. Told me pretty early on he has one daughter, doesn’t live in the UK (he’s not British), he told me he doesn’t see her often but they are still “close”.

Last week we were chatting about my DDs university choices so I asked if his DD went to uni, he said yeah and told me where. I asked when she graduated (he’s told me she’s 24) and he sort of stumbled and since oh 2 or 3 years ago but didn’t really seem sure. He told me a while back he hadn’t seen her in a couple of years but they message often. I don’t know why but I pressed further and tried to get him to tell me about her but he didn’t seem to know what to say, he could only show me pictures of her as a teen.

I got curious, and searched her name on LinkedIn, found her. She seems to be working in Paris but it appears she was doing a masters in London 23/24.
I said this too him and he said “oh Paris, I thought she was in Spain (his home country)” it surprised me that he didn’t know where she was living, or that she had lived in the same city as him for a year?

He showed me their messages and they seem to message once a month but it’s usually about sports , football/tennis/F1. He never seems to ask how she is.

I asked if they have fallen out, he said no she’s just busy with her own life and not a child anymore.

AIBU to think this is a red flag?

To me it would be a red flag. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who took such little interest in his child. He and I clearly don’t share the same values.

It’s a very personal thing. Only you can decide if this attitude to his child troubles you. Clearly from this thread some folk would be relaxed/accepting/understanding of his view of fatherhood and family.

a good relationship?

he hasn't seen her for years, doesn't seem to have actually spoken to her for the same amount of time, doesn't have any photos of her that aren't at least half a decade old, doesn't even know which country she lives in, what her degree was or when she graduated, (and, it seems, what job she does), their only contact is a token message once a month about the most anodyne topics - how your sports team is doing is barely one step above the weather, something you'd send to a vague acquaintance not your only child.

Forget family, actually, forget even friends, I have colleagues I message more often and with more warmth than that!

I suspect he hardly saw her once he'd broken up with her mother. I couldn't be with a man like that.

Totally bizarre. I have a daughter a similar age and although she’s fully independent and travels a lot we are always in contact, swapping pics , making sure she’s safe where she is etc. Not in an overbearing way but it’s nice that she knows we’re at the end of the line if she runs into trouble. Likewise at 24 I had two kids and was very much independent but I think my parents would have always known which country I was in? Perhaps it’s slightly different when kids are in serious relationships/ married and you aren’t their main point of contact, but when they’re studying abroad surely a parent would be aware of where? Personally I’d see it as a a massive red flag, not least because I’d expect the other parent is doing or has done all the parenting.

I actually don’t think that’s too bad.
I don’t think my parents would remember the exact date I graduated and people are busy with their own lives. If you’re happy with him, keeping seeing him

Red flag

He seems like an absent father and they hardly know each other so talk about sport or something just like you would with a stringer.

depends on what qualities you find important. It would be a red flag for me. It’s not like you are expecting him to know her post code off the top of his head but to not even know which country she lives in shows they have a very superficial relationship. That’s not a father. And very telling that despite being in the same country for some years neither made any attempt to meet up so he’s clearly not been a very involved dad during her younger years for her not to even want to see him even once in the whole time she was in the UK. And Paris is not far either!

This will be my dh in 10 years. At present he is vague about the DCs birth dates and what subjects sitting for gcse etc etc

This. Although, men can be rubbish at this sort of stuff anyway, and Spanish men are typically rather traditional, so this may be normal for him culture wise too. This traditional also includes in gender roles, so I’d be watching out for this more really at your ages in life. They may also have their own reasons for not being emotionally close.

Flag wise, OP, depends on your intentions with the man I suppose, might be a flag for you.

Does he ask you questions? Does he pull his weight domestically? How does he treat you?

Just don’t expect his daughter to be in your life much I guess.

Not sure that should be a 'D'H if he cares so little about his children

You sound really nosy. If a new prospective boyfriend were asking so many questions about my DD, I'd think he was a weirdo and would answer as evasively as possible. You stalked his kid on LinkedIn? That's WILD.

A man who's a rubbish Dad (which is what he is) would be an absolute turn off for me.

Oh yeah he wouldn't be for me. It depends what you're looking for in a partner something casual perhaps. I would be concerned he doesn't have the emotional intelligence and intimacy for me. He thinks they are "close" be interesting to hear her side.

I grew up with a father who would play the role of amazing single dad to girlfriends when he was awful. Cared far more for his girlfriends than any of his children. I don't even get a once a month text he just isn't interested in being a father remotely, he never was. I don't respect him and I wouldn't respect this man for being so uninterested in his only child.

I wouldn’t like this. He doesn’t sound like a good father, and for me that’s a big no-no.

The older generation yes. People in their 40’s and 50’s with kids this is a little strange as those “traditional” roles are more common with people in their 60s plus. . Although saying that my Spanish father-in-law is very traditional and may not know the ins and outs of certain things with his kids, but their jobs and education, definitely, and he’s in his 70’s.

I would imagine that things happened in the past that are reasons why they aren't close and why he doesn't press for a closer relationship with her. Not necessarily only his fault but some complicated stuff maybe. It may be that they become closer in future (I barely spoke to my dad in my 20s and we are very close now) but it would make me think maybe your relationship with him isn't going to work - he still has things to work through.

Same with my dad
I told him the code for something was my birthday and he sheepishly rang me to ask when it was
he couldn’t tell you what GCSEs or degree I have
we are close though! He’s just a bit rubbish with factual things (unless you want the reg plate of every car he’s ever driven…)

I'm Southern European too and that level of detachment from a parent (even with adult offspring) is very very very far from the norm in our culture.

He’s not a ‘new prospective boyfriend’ though, is he? They’ve been together since ‘late last year’ and given that we’re now in July, that’s over six months.