To think ex shouldn’t have left DS with friends for 3 days?

[purpledaze24]

ExH and are share 50/50 care of 4 yo DS. Last week he had to go away for work on his days (which is very rare) and unfortunately I couldn’t have DS as I was also away for work (as I often am when I don’t have DS) ex said he’d arrange for DS to stay with his mum who lives nearby and who DS is very close to & comfortable with and who he’s stayed with many times before. I said that that was fine. However this week I find out that his mum couldn’t have him and instead he stayed with ex’s friends- DS knows them quite well, they’re a couple, no kids, have a nice flat & had a spare bedroom for DS. However he’s never stayed with them before. They’ve babysat for him before but AIBU to think it was completely inappropriate for him to stay with them in an unfamiliar house for FOUR days and 3 nights?! He’s only 4, I worry that he must’ve been really uncomfortable there and I’m pissed off at my ex for doing it. But maybe I’m being unreasonable about it?

I do think you are unreasonable if they are people that their father knows and trusts, and your little boy also knows them and feels safe with them. But I understand feeling protective about your little one and in your circumstances may have similar feelings. It’s hard to be objective when it’s your child. What is it specifically that upsets you about this- is it that he may have felt homesick or is it something else?

It wasn’t ideal but in the absence of any other options, I think as a one-off, considering you have a 50/50 arrangement which presumably means he’s a hands on dad and someone you trust to make sensible choices, it’s not the end of the world. I wouldn’t go too overboard on having a go at him: you never know when you might need equal goodwill from him if you have to make a less than ideal childcare arrangement yourself.

Have you asked DS about it? You’re assuming he must have been uncomfortable, but a holiday with some nice people he knows who were probably pretty indulgent with him and will have gone out of their way to make him feel welcome and comfortable may have been something he took in his stride.

Was your son really upset about it when he came home?

He knew the people and I can’t see why they are inappropriate, he needed help with childcare and he got it

I'm not sure what the solution was, to be honest if you couldn't have him, his father couldn't have him and your MIL was away? Poor kid. He seems to be an emcumbrance to you all.

It might have been horrid for him - but I'd mostly be feeling awed that any childless couple would be prepared to care for a friend's 4 yo for four days. They deserve a medal.

You say your DS knows them quite well, they weren't complete strangers and he has perhaps seen their house before...

It's not the worst thing

It's not great, he should have let you know, he lied and that would make me furious and anxious about what else he would lie about in regards to your son.
What else could he have done though? Do you have family that could have taken him?

I think you and your ex were both being unreasonable, by neither of you being able to have your child.
However, in the absence of his actual parents or family, close friends was what was available.
And, if your ex trusts them, well, it's his shout on his time.

I can imagine your child feeling uncomfortable bless him.

Your ex should have told work he couldn’t go away. Children are more important.

Really you both should have sorted it so one of you had him. It didnt matter who's turn it was .

It doesn’t sound as though he lied - he was planning to use his mum for childcare, and then she couldn’t do it. Honestly I’d think less of a dad who, rather than step up and take a situation in hand and sort it out himself as best he could, made it his ex’s problem by getting her involved when there was nothing she could do about it either without it either affecting her own work travel or causing her stress.

Neither of you could have the child and his usual childcare wasn't available so his father left him with people he knows and trusts, and who have babysat him before.
How would you feel if you left your DS with a trusted friend and he then got annoyed?
If it's a problem then this is an opportunity for you both to discuss where he goes if you're ever both away again.

This. If he had dumped the kid back with OP, everyone would have been up in arms saying that it was his time to have the kid, so it was his responsibility to make alternative arrangements.

I get that you don't like it, but when you separate, you don't have the ability to dictate what your ex does during his time with your child ( and the reverse is true for him)as long as it's not dangerous. These people were known to your child, it's not like he left them with someone he met in the pub last week

I am a mother and yes, my child is important to me. But my work pays for the house my child lives in, the food we eat, the ballet, horseriding and swimming lessons and one day it will pay for the driving lessons too.
So once in a blue moon work is more important than kids. Some of us need to work.
Stop guilt tripping working parents.

I'm sure he was OK.physically with these people but honestly him knowing neither his mother nor his father coukdn't alter their plans to prioritise him must be quite horrible for him.
He certainly will pick up on just how important he is in the priorities of his parents.

4 days sounds like a lot for a first stay, building up e.g. an overnight stay first would be better.

But having a job is also pretty important for the raising of children: you can't raise them on fresh air and goodwill. When people come out with sanctimonious stuff like "children are more important" its usually a clear sign that they never have to make these difficult choices. A lot of people don't have the luxury of putting their foot down about things like this.

I don't think he did anything wrong in the scheme of things. He found responsible, trusted care from people who your son knows.

On the other hand he should have told you and I would be pissed off to have found out about this after the event.

Yes the issue is mainly that he lied (or at least held back the information) so I never had the opportunity to cancel my work trip to take DS, which I would have done. I only found out from DS (how ex didn’t think he would mention it I don’t understand). The issue wasn’t his safety, I trust them and they’re responsible, it’s more that 4 days is a long time for a 4 yo to be staying with people who aren’t family or that he isn’t super close to. He’s never stayed away from either me or his dad for that long before and I worried that he was homesick and wondered what was going on. He didn’t say he was upset but that’s not something he’d really be able to articulate days later at his age anyway unless he was VERY upset

I think this is the bit that you now need to make clear to him: you would have been able to adjust your plans to take DS with you had you known, and in future you want to know so you can do that. Otherwise, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he probably thought that giving you the information knowing that you needed to be away would have then made you feel guilty, worried, as though you should have cancelled, and that it would have affected your work and given you a whole lot of additional stress.

Otherwise, I think it’s okay to be annoyed with him, but ultimately take DS’s lead on this: he seems to have been fine. I took my friends’ daughter a while back for a couple of days in similar both-parents-traveling circumstances. It wasn’t ideal, but it solved the problem. She left pretty happy: I’m not her parent, I’m not obliged to be one, so we had a brilliant time eating weird combinations of food, watched more TV than is usually allowed, sat in the garden until late watching for the bats when they came out of roost, and stopped for hot chocolate in a cafe each morning before school. I don’t get the impression her lasting memory of the experience is that neither of her parents prioritised her, but that she hopes they do it again!

The lying is the issue as you've just said.

Whilst the couple were a valid childcare option (I have friends who I'd leave my 4yo with and whose 4yo's I'd look after) - you didn't get the option to cancel your* work trip with full information.

Get this situation written down (who the kid can stay with if the other is unavailable) and what measures/info needs to be shared in advance. Or if work trips should be cancelled.

• of course he should/could have rearranged his work trip but sometimes that's not possible. Maybe it's what you would have done but you can't control his choices only your own.

You cannot dictate who the other parent is allowed to leave the child with (unless there are safety concerns of course), that's ridiculous. Would you accept it from the father of the child if the roles were reversed?

He asked you to have him and you said you couldn't.

He asked him mum and she couldn't.

So he did the next best thing.

I don't think you can be cross with him for not telling you so that you could cancel your trip because he'd already asked you and you'd told him you were away with work. That was your chance to reply "I've got a work trip, but I could cancel if your Mum can't have him" or similar.

I'd tell him that next time you'd like to know exactly where DS is/what the plan is, but I wouldn't be particularly annoyed with him.

Do you have no contact at all when you dont see him for 4 days ? No phone call to say hi?

Did you not speak to your child the entire time? Surely you would have noticed this on day 1??

How did you not know until after the 4 days? Was there no contact with your son or MIL all that time?

My son is just turning six and has only just started asking to message his dad from my phone sometimes when he's not seen him for a few days. We speak to each other about him most days, but he's never wanted to do calls so we don't make him just because we miss him. (He knows he can!)