Ex trying to get me to sign child arrangement agreement.

[VenusJupiter]

I'm leaving the father of my child for emotional and mental abuse ( at times physically intimidating too).
He says if I leave then I need to sign a 50 50 childcare agreement. I plan not to do this.
I guess I'm allowing him to make me feel guilty?

You don't need to sign anything of the sort. You need to arrange child access in a way that is best for the child - whatever that may be. It's often 50/50 but not always.

Don't sign anything, you are not legally obligated to do so, chose a day(s) and times that you can make available but if he wants formal access then he can apply through the courts.
Make sure you only contact him through text and email, that way you have a written record of his communication.

Don’t sign anything from him. He’s just using this to carry on abusing you.

Let a solicitor sort this OP. Yes, he may be entitled to 50:50 but that is not for him to unilaterally decide.

Thanks for all the replies.
Appreciate people taking the time.

Friends have told me there is no way they will give 50 50 access for a 3 month old baby.

He really does not want to pay me child support

Yes no way, especially if breastfed. I'd be planning to BF as long as possible if you can.

With baby being only 3 months old and (E?)BF, I’d be surprised if he ever had unsupervised contact let alone one night a week even!

The 3mo baby part is very relevant OP. 50/50 isn't in the babies best interest.

Really hope you’re breastfeeding. But either way, 50:50 at 3 months would be nuts.

Don't sign anything. He's an abusive man. Is your new house ready? Just pack your bags and leave while he is at work. You can arrange contact via the court later. No one is going to give him 50:50 of a small baby. Itbis not in the childs best interests. That are likely to give him short but often contact. Like 2 hours 2 or 3 times a week.

You just GO … let him do the leg work of applying through the courts.. the best he will get is frequent contact for 2-3 hours a time .. perhaps 4-5 x a week.. No overnights … bang in that CM claim NOW !!

Sorry been super busy today organising so much.

Can I put the CM claim in now because I might only be out of here in the next 2 weeks ?I don't want to be here with him getting any notification that I have applied.

Also how likely is that I get it because he is off to be a full time student ( he still won't give a straight answer regarding his plans. Total narc!)

If he doesn't have an income, the reality is that you will get very little if anything in the way of CM, so don't put yourself in danger by applying for it now. It might be something to look into once you are safely out, but for now just focus on getting out safely.

Hi
I'm.sorry you are going thru this.
I am going thru something similar. Also 3 months post partum.
Firstly get a non molestation order without notice. Contact the NCDV - they can help you draft this. 0808 200 0247. Please call them. Freeva is another good organisation and also LWA - living without abuse. Contact them all and they can try and help. È
You can also do a prhibitive steps order (costs around 250£) can also do this with the non mole. This stops him taking th baby out of your care
Don't sign anything.
Once the orders are in place. You will need a solicitor. You need to make it clear you're a victim of domestic abuse. And then Cafcass will get involved to interview you and him and understand the risks to the baby.
You don't need to prove your breast feeding so ignore the comments. You need to show evidence of the abuse and that he is unsafe to be around- i.e guve examples of instances when he has been abusive towards you in pregnancy and now with the baby.
It's a massive emotional roller coaster. Lean on your family and friends for help as it's really a lot. But you will get through it.
Homestly, the demands these men make with regards to babies and wanting them 50/50 is ridiculous..my husband wanted more days and he's never looked after the baby alone for more than 30 mins.
Good luck

I'm so sorry you are going through the same . I'm actually in Scotland and not England , so I'm unsure if the information you have given applies here- thank you for it.
Yes , it's amazing how they lose interest in the child, but when they get an inkling that you could be moving on, they want 50 50.
I have recently found out that no court in the land will give a newborn 50% of the time to the dad. They are delusional. My STBX stays up watching TV and playing PlayStation until all hours. There is no way he will cope with teething etc when that starts. This is my first child, is this yours?
Mine always had his bossy ways, but became worse after baby and distant with me. Everything I did was wrong and everything corrected. He would insult me and just be so hurtful. He would also disguise insults as 'jokes'. He said I needed to get to the gym. I never gained a pound during pregnancy plus I don't know if it's true, but after a natural birth I thought you were in danger of all sorts lifting weights in the first year.
I have quickly learnt not to react to him because that is all they are looking for.
God I was constantly punished with silent treatments and told I had to earn back the love wth. I could go on.... Also told me 'We may live together, but I don't need to tell you anything'. Just awful
I am moving to a flat for my daughter and me now. I will be filing a police report when I move saying I had to get out because of his emotional and mental abuse.
All he does is speak in riddles and I ask him to explain it and I get called stupid etc.
Also no affection , no cuddles , never ever asking how I am when I have asked him. I gave up with that because it was me all the time. He always says he wants a submissive woman , but now I know that's a woman that shuts up and puts up.

How are you feeling ? It's a total emotional roller coaster. Terrible.

How is your baby?

My STBX works non stop, so I feel like a single parent already, just better to be one minus his toxic games.

I have no family near by plus he jumped on the phone to my mum months ago saying it was all my fault I'm the abuser etc and everytime I cried he would laugh at me. Just a cruel cruel manipulator. Not a man at all.
How they all treated me I hope karma catches up with them.

I hope you can heal. You are all your child ever needs my dear. Xx

You sound really together and organised OP. You’ve got this. Just stay calm and get out.

Three months old!!!!

No!!'

You either take baby and go when he is out of the house, or if it's your home then you report him to police for his domestic abuse and get an occupation order so he needs to leave the property.

Stop talking to him about leaving until you have made a plan and then do the plan before you tell him.

At three months baby need to be with you, dad can visit twice a week

Get away from him first and then do the claim and repot him. While there is open criminal investigation a court will be extremely cautious with a child who can't speak you're both so vulnerable

Very good point, just tell him you're not expecting him to pay anything

My ex was just how you describe your baby's father. He stormed out a few weeks before baby was born.
My baby is 2 now.
It's been a tricky time but so far no court and we've worked up to baby spending a night a week with himself

Yes it's awful just all lies and not straight to the point , but it's all part of the mind games. They also can't commit and support a woman. I don't know if you have a DD, but I do and makes me wonder how he would feel if somebody treated his DD this way.

@VenusJupiter
Yes my first baby. Your guy does sound exactly like my husband. Master manipulators, always projecting blame, leave you in limbo as they don't want to answer to anything.
I was physically abused during my pregnancy and told his family who did nothing
Look it's my first time on this app yesterday. I don't know how it works but if you want to message me, please do. I can walk you thru the legal stuff as I just did it all a month ago.
First things first - contact ncdv (I think ok for scotland) if not they will have an equivalent.
I am really glad you are moving
Unfortunately if he is not working, he will claim he cannot pay child maintenance.
Mediation is another way to try and resolve things. It's a bit cheaper than a solicitors. However if you don't want to mediate with him in the room to agree any child arrangements etc, then you can do shuttle mediation.
I did not do this as I want to restrict his access, hence I have cafcass involved as I have safety concerns if he is looking after the baby.
I look at my life and think, how did I end up here?? But unfortunately these are the cards life has dealt me so I just need to get on with it.

Good morning new mum,

Yes exactly like mine, he had the beginnings of becoming physically abusive too, like putting barriers up with his hands if I went to pick up DD. Funny last night and this morning he forgot she exists and off to work he went..
Mine is working two jobs non stop. As he is Nigerian ( had a British Passport since 2012), he works non stop. He makes out the rent and bills are extortionate, but I think it's a lie. He has never shown me proof of anything. I have a feeling he might still try to work if ans when a student again. He already has degree, pg etc, so makes me wonder if he is self funding, again I don't know plus this is Scotland, not England.
It's been horrendous. He ran to my parents saying I was the problem. My mum just gobbles up what he says and thinks the sun shines out his backside. Dad is on to him, but doesn't confront him which is good because it might only just give him fuel.
Sorry about his family, I understand that as he has also told his family it's all me.
Mine even went and applied for DD's passport and I never saw the colour of the application form.
I know I'm being punished because I put a stop to my parents helping out. Especially when my mother handed an envelope with cash to him towards our holiday ( not going on that anymore). I was really bullied badly after that. My DD is 3 months old ans before he was going around saying I had PP depression. Have sat with GP plus have a support worker from a charity here called homestart who I meet with every Friday and she said no way I am depressed. HV said the same and it was her I actually confided in at first as she sensed something was going on.
He was trying badly to get Mr on anti depressants. My own mother joining in too because of his garbage. Even have his friend's wife who is a nosy cow constantly knocking our door under the disguise that her 4 year old wants to say either hello to her 'uncle' ( my stbx) or that her kid wants to say hello to DD. I'm surrounded by flying monkeys!!! She even sent me a good luck message for the future, so God knows what he has filled her head with. Creepy anyway that another man's wife always comes to what is meant be our family home always knocking on the door. I have always thought he fancied her. Just my feeling as that's who he modelled himself on.
Funny how they make you out to be this and that, but it's really THEM.

Thank you again for that info, I will ask the support worker I'm seeing this morning , but I know WA can help too.

I don't know how we can chat here or exchange contacts?

It's not us, it's them and to do this to the mother of their child(ren) is just disgusting .

You know mine has never taken me anywhere since the baby, not even on a walk. Probably too much to hide now and don't get me started on the possibility of other social media accounts etc.

You are like me having your safe guarding issues around him and contact. I don't want my baby around a potential flatmate or anyone else. She is 3 months old!!!!!!

I hate them for us.

I hope you are fine today?
It's not easy I know and at times I worry, but I can't go on living here.

Wait - he has a passport for your child? Major red flag. Especially if it's a Nigerian passport. Why has he already got this?

You need to get some kind of stop on this. Talk to women's aid. If he takes your child abroad you will not get her back.

It's a British Passport, not Nigerian .
The woman I saw today is on it. She is taking me to WA on our next meeting.
He is just withholding the passport , but before I leave I'm gonna say I'm taking her abroad to see my parents' just to get the passport or I will think of something else.
With WA I will tell them everything like I told the SW from the homestart organisation that I met with today.

She's also gonna help me apply for CM when the time comes etc.

He knows I'm leaving hence why he is trying to get me to sign agreement ( hahaha no way ever will I). This is noted with the SW. She says if he tries to label me mental or anything then she will provide a full report on how I am not depressed etc.

He just got home from work. Loves his daughter so much that he doesn't even kiss her... She's asleep on me anyway.

Today the support worker told me not to cry in front of him and to just do so I private.

He loves a reaction , so she said not to give him what he wants.