Neighbour’s strange comments about breastfeeding.

[corsawill]

I’ll try to keep this brief and as vague as possible, also name changed & not a weirdo.

I’ve a group of neighbours who we socialise with, sometimes individually & sometimes collectively. DN1 invited us out with their children last week, I find the husband quite unsavoury. He’s financially & emotionally abusive at the very least but I try to stay in touch with the wife because I know that he tries to isolate her from her family and she’s vulnerable. I’ll leave it for another thread but it’s very difficult to speak to her alone.

I’m breastfeeding a 4 month old at the moment. I’m not ashamed in breastfeeding & will often feed on transport/restaurants etc. I don’t usually cover up with a muslin because DD doesn’t like it & I think it draws more attention if anything. However, I know DN1 DH is uncomfortable with breastfeeding (from comments he’s made in the past) so whilst out with them last week, both times I made an effort to completely turn my chair away or cover with a muslin.

We stopped for food & I took a seat, covered latched baby with muslin whilst I was eating. He returned with his food, tucked in and after about a minute asked where the baby was. I replied that I was feeding her. He made a very animated show of looking everywhere but at us, sighing and then got up and walked off outside. Same again a few hours later in a pub, I had turned to face the wall completely whilst covered with a muslin and received the same reaction.

Fast forward to today & DN2 who we also socialise with let me know that what happened had come up in conversation whilst hosting DN1 couple. For context, DN2 exclusively pumps and said she’d been made to feel awkward putting her discreet pumps on in her home. She’s had the same reaction from him when out with DN1 couple in the past too. DN1 husband apparently brought up our day out and said things along the lines of “she just whipped it out in front of me, it was all in my face, I had to get up and walk away because I don’t like it and I can’t control myself and control what I say”.

I was really taken aback. I knew that DN1 wasn’t comfortable with breastfeeding (although not how strongly) but I refuse to feed in the loos or move elsewhere, as far as I’m concerned, he’s welcome to move away if he feels uncomfortable. I feel disgusted by his comments though and mentioned it to DP and he is now dying to confront him on it.

I’d hate to have to end the friendship with the wife but he makes it very difficult to socialise with her alone.

Sorry, a little longer than I’d intended but what can I say to him? Or was I in the wrong?

Not at all hes a controlling prick

Wouldn't want to be around him either.

Or was I in the wrong?

🙄

DP & I have agreed that of course we won’t be socialising with them as a couple again but I’d like to confront him without letting on what the other neighbour has told me and without aggravating the DW’s home life.

It’s tricky because as I say, it’s not often that I’m able to speak to the DW alone. Her phone is always “broken” and she is using his to message. Often knocks on my door to call her mum if he’s out etc. She always “loses” her bank card and has to ask him for money, but I know that he isn’t allowed to have a bank account or card so controls hers. Her family are aware of the situation and I’ve spoken to her about squirrelling some money away & directed her to DV charities etc but she seems so worn down by him.

@IPMTo be honest, from his reaction I was starting to wonder whether I should be so open with feeding in public.

I doubt there's anything worth saying to him. He's a controlling, misogynist pig with a breast obsession and very bad manners. No well-chosen words will change that.

I'd be tempted to make a big, breasty show of feeding baby in front of him 😂 but that's because men like him bring out the worst in me!

it was all in my face - Untrue, obviously, and it tells us how he perceived it. Merely knowing a breast is active in the vicinity is enough for him to get all hot, bothered, and lose control of himself.

I can’t control myself and control what I say - What an admission. What a dreadful, potentially dangerous individual.

His poor wife!

He truly is awful @GarlicMetrehe really creeped me out whilst I was pregnant, filled me with dread and anger. I try to avoid him but I feel awful for his poor wife. I can’t even pop over without him video calling her and listening in.

I like your style Garlic but the thought of him thinking about it in that way is making me feel sick! Ordinarily, I’d be all over it but he’s making me want to cower away.

You've done nothing wrong.

Please please keep in touch with his wife. Even if it means tolerating him for now. She needs you and you might be the key to her eventually leaving.

He sounds utterly awful.

You definitely weren't in the wrong. If it wasn't for the fact that your neighbour is abusing his wife, I would say call it a day on that friendship. It's not enough for him to be controlling with his wife he wants to control other women too. I am curious about how neighbour 2 responded to his ridiculous rant. I hope she challanged him.

Don't let your husband confront him though as your neighbour is clearly looking for an excuse to isolate his wife and he'd make any fallout his reason. However if he is rude to you directly or in front of your husband, I'd suggest a somewhat curt response from either of you and then move the conversation along and then don't engsge with any response from them even if it means an awkward silence before reverting back to the new conversation, hopefully showing how insignificant his opinions are.

Reading your post really made my blood boil.

Well, don't cower. Look at the incredible POWER you - or, rather, your body's reproductive capabilities - have over him! He fixates on it to the extent he can't sit still, doesn't know where to put himself and will even admit to others that he's lost control.

Whether you choose to wield your fearsome power is up to you. Remember that you have it, though! He is nothing to you; you can make him lose the plot by simply being somewhere near him 👑

but I’d like to confront him without letting on what the other neighbour has told me.

Why would you?? Nothing good will come of it for your nice neighbour, you knew he left in a huff so you could have confronted him there and then if it bothered you both so much.

You obviously DON'T think you've done anything wrong otherwise you wouldn't want to confront him over it, so why are you pretending you think you've done something wrong on here? Load of drama over nothing.

I disagree that it’s a load of drama over nothing.@sandyhappypeopleIf he feels uncomfortable about me discreetly feeding a baby then thats on him to move away. I can’t control how other people may feel.

What I’m disgruntled about is the fact that he’s then gone to someone else to say that I had ‘whipped it out in front of him’ and it was ‘all in his face’

I’m asking for advice because to be frank, his reaction has me second guessing whether I was being too blasé about it. Then there’s the added layer of not wanting to isolate his wife any further without being made to feel uncomfortable in feeding my child.

I would avoid him as much as possible but if you are in his company just feed your baby as necessary. If he feels he has to remove himself from your presence that is a bonus. It's probably not worth you or your DH challenging him directly, try to forget about him.

What I’m disgruntled about is the fact that he’s then gone to someone else to say that I had ‘whipped it out in front of him’ and it was ‘all in his face’

So what? They already know he's a knob!

To be honest he's embarrassed himself with what he has told people, so why do you need to escalate it even further? He didn't like it, he walked out, he's over exaggerating it to people.. people are assuming he is being OTT, because it isn't likely that you got your tit out and actual put it 'all in his face', they will just assume the truth, which is, he can't handle being in the presence of a woman discreetly breast feeding, it's pathetic, you know, they know, everyone knows!

So what do you want, an apology? Him to stop saying it? neither of those things will happen so just let it roll off you, you're confident, you know you are right and he's a neighbourhood fucking joke.. There's no need for any drama over it.

next time flap your tit out right in front of him.

You have done nothing wrong. He sounds like a porn addled f**k wit who only sees a women’s body as a means of sexual gratification. Keep doing what you are doing and end the friendship. If you can get word to the poor wife who has to live with this Neanderthal that you are there for her if she needs you, then that would be good. Stay strong 💪

He's just an arsehole who clearly despises women. I really hope his poor wife sees the strength to leave him.

I'd tell him straight up that if he wants to walk off while I feed my child that's fine but I am not seeing why you feel the need to comment on something that is absolutely none of your concern.

He claims he 'won't be able to control himself'?! In what way?! Will he be so furious he'll attack someone, so aroused he'll immediately commit sexual assault?!

Crack on and feed your baby how and where and when you want.

you do what is comfy for you and the baby.

it is not compulsory for anyone in the vicinity to watch when you are feeding and should it be so distressing to see a perfectly natural thing - they can avert their gaze.

don’t bow down to pressure from anyone as to how you feed your baby. You do what you feel comfortable with.

don’t doubt yourself - he sounds like a seriously messed up guy with a lot of issues - they are not yours to resolve.

I have no idea what DN1 husband is all about. If it makes him uncomfortable that's his own problem. As for 'he couldnt control what he would say or do' is disgusting. If you have no impulse control as a fully grown adult then you really are the problem. My 6 year old DS told another mum at his younger brothers tots and toddlers group her unsettled baby needed 'boobies' a few weeks ago and the mums face lit up and agreed (thankfully a BFing mum so he didn't cause offence). Breastfeeding is normal. It needs to be normalised.

You can't rescue the neighbour's wife. Only she can rescue herself.

If it were me I'd withdraw entirely from socialising with this couple. With no drama. If I saw them on the drive it'd be a brief good morning and that's it.

You don't owe the wife anything. Just distance yourself. The man is a creep. If she decides to leave him, and needs help, she knows where to find you, you're not exactly far away.

And uh, obviously you did nothing wrong by feeding your baby.

Ignore.

dont make a drama of it or add fuel to the fire.

Why would you even be around them. I can’t fathom willingly spending time with such awful people. Life is too short for such nonsense!

What????
He is clearly an abusive controlling arsehole

WHY would you even care what his opinion is???

It was also completely clear what his "problem" was without the neighbour mentioning it.

Why you turned into wall and muslined the baby is beyond me...

"John if you have a problem it might be a good idea for you to get some air or go the bathroom, because i can't not feed my child"

I get the wife is struggling but honestly by helping her with money and what not you are enabling it.
"Janet - you are asking for ten pounds because your husband is financially controlling and abusing you. £10 wont help you, phoning womens aid will you can borrow my phone now if you want"

I would not be seeking her company or his and id redirect her to womens charities every. Single. Time.

OP this is HIS issue, so please please don’t feel like you can’t feed in public! The guy sounds like an absolute twat. ‘He can’t control himself’?! What does he even mean?!

I think there’s a way to respond and shut him down whilst not losing your shit (which would be very tempting if it not for his poor wife). Although I must say a big part of me would just not be around people like that because he’s clearly got severe issues and why should you have to put yourself in a situation where you are made to feel shit just to keep the peace. It’s men like this that make me sick by people having to modify their behaviour to appease them!

He's only making himself look like a prick, not you, which is feeding your child. It’s not like you’re standing topless jiggling your tits around because you fancy it!

I would continue to keep contact with his wife and stop socialising with both of them. I wouldn’t want to be around him at all.