Neighbour’s strange comments about breastfeeding.

[corsawill]

I’ll try to keep this brief and as vague as possible, also name changed & not a weirdo.

I’ve a group of neighbours who we socialise with, sometimes individually & sometimes collectively. DN1 invited us out with their children last week, I find the husband quite unsavoury. He’s financially & emotionally abusive at the very least but I try to stay in touch with the wife because I know that he tries to isolate her from her family and she’s vulnerable. I’ll leave it for another thread but it’s very difficult to speak to her alone.

I’m breastfeeding a 4 month old at the moment. I’m not ashamed in breastfeeding & will often feed on transport/restaurants etc. I don’t usually cover up with a muslin because DD doesn’t like it & I think it draws more attention if anything. However, I know DN1 DH is uncomfortable with breastfeeding (from comments he’s made in the past) so whilst out with them last week, both times I made an effort to completely turn my chair away or cover with a muslin.

We stopped for food & I took a seat, covered latched baby with muslin whilst I was eating. He returned with his food, tucked in and after about a minute asked where the baby was. I replied that I was feeding her. He made a very animated show of looking everywhere but at us, sighing and then got up and walked off outside. Same again a few hours later in a pub, I had turned to face the wall completely whilst covered with a muslin and received the same reaction.

Fast forward to today & DN2 who we also socialise with let me know that what happened had come up in conversation whilst hosting DN1 couple. For context, DN2 exclusively pumps and said she’d been made to feel awkward putting her discreet pumps on in her home. She’s had the same reaction from him when out with DN1 couple in the past too. DN1 husband apparently brought up our day out and said things along the lines of “she just whipped it out in front of me, it was all in my face, I had to get up and walk away because I don’t like it and I can’t control myself and control what I say”.

I was really taken aback. I knew that DN1 wasn’t comfortable with breastfeeding (although not how strongly) but I refuse to feed in the loos or move elsewhere, as far as I’m concerned, he’s welcome to move away if he feels uncomfortable. I feel disgusted by his comments though and mentioned it to DP and he is now dying to confront him on it.

I’d hate to have to end the friendship with the wife but he makes it very difficult to socialise with her alone.

Sorry, a little longer than I’d intended but what can I say to him? Or was I in the wrong?

it’s up to you entirely whether you completely stop socialising with them, carry on as normal or something in between where you are a bit more assertive with him. Do whatever you want on this front. As he is part of a larger social group and you like his partner, I’d be personally inclined just to swerve where you can at larger group gatherings, start being a lot more direct with him and not hanging out just with the two of them

You can confront him directly by continuing to feed as you are by just giving him a warning “I’m gonna feed the baby now so you might want to go somewhere else, I know you don’t like it “

He’s already made that very clear to you with his display, so you can riff off that and don’t need to mention anything about the neighbour.

What an absolute shitbag he is, he sounds repulsive. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s good and important that women are relaxed about feeding publicly

You’re definitely not in the wrong but I can’t see that there’s anything to be gained from confronting him. You know that you was in the right and you know he’s a horrible man, you don’t need him to approve how and where you feed your baby.

Just step back for a minute, his reaction and horrible behaviour are having such an impact on you, but he has no relevance or power over over you. You can simply choose to dismiss the man from your life, your thoughts and not allow his twattery to touch you. Just nod and say hello if you see him but don't engage (confronting him may make things worse for her). You can't argue with an abuser, there's no point.
His wife is trapped in an abusive relationship with him, it's normal that she will feel drained and unable to act, she needs DV support as you say, you can keep suggesting that.
Carry on maintaining a safe connection with her. Let her know you are there for her and why you can't be around him, making it clear she can still pop round, use your phone etc. You not tolerating him might actually help her.
Maybe she could call a DV support line from your house when he is out?

Gosh he sounds awful. Where does he expect you to feed your baby!?
I wouldn't bother confronting him as he will probably restrict his wife from seeing you in the future and sounds like she really needs her neighbours. I'd not be arranging any more socialising with him unless it's part of a wider group.
Continue to ignore him if youre in that situation again, you're doing nothing wrong.

Stand up for your baby's right to be fed the best food available, these are stupid, irrational views / feelings of people who need to grow up. This will not change without people being prepared to stand up for BF.
You are doing best for your DC and should be proud of yourself not shamed by pathetic people like this.

I'd start a rumour that you felt like he was looking at your breasts and walked off because you clocked him 😝
I personally hated breastfeeding and would go out of my way to avoid it in public or around anyone, but he's being a drama queen

Id send my husband round to sort him out and go on breastfeeding as you do

Sounds straightforward coercion. Try to be there for her and have some information about women's organisation around discreet but available.

I would definitely sympathise with him about being ‘so emotional’ and be concerned that his paranoia about breastfeeding is most ‘hysterical’, but you fully empathise. Suggest that if he eats his meal in the toilet, then your baby will too! That is only fair! Be sure to use the words emotional and hysterical at every opportunity, so he truly understands the empathy that you are showing him 😉

Are you sure it wasn't a deliberate ploy to cause friction between you and his wife, thus alienating her further?

Feed away in public. What an arsehole

What kind of neighbours do you have? Neighbours should be that, neighbours. Why socialise with them? I would hate to have a fall out with neighbour due to socialising and then it’s all awkward as you can’t just up and leave your house.
I find it odd, that the dw doesn’t have a phone, comes to
yours to call her mum if he’s not home. I just can’t imagine socialising with the type of people you’ve just described

I’ve definitely learnt my lesson! DP told me to keep them at arms length so he’s obviously got the right idea. I just felt sorry for the wife, she looks run ragged trying to sort childcare and keep her job, I’ve had her 2 toddlers a few times when childcare has fallen through.

The DW doesn’t have a phone because it’s always being broken by their toddler, supposedly. So she uses his phone to access her WhatsApp, conveniently, he can then read all of her text messages.

Sometimes she does have a phone but doesn’t have any credit as can’t afford it, despite being the only one working, other times she’ll tell me she’s had to put her phone in cash converters for a week so that she can buy some food. Her DH however appears to have no end of cash to spend down the pub.

These are my thoughts exactly and I’d hate to alienate her any further.

DP would love this idea but I’d hate to get the nice neighbour involved, also don’t like the idea of winding him up as we only live opposite and his DW has to live with him.

Thank you Jasmine. I feel so proud that I’ve made it this far with breastfeeding and pushed past the initial few weeks. None of my family/friends breastfed or attempted to so it was all learning as I went. Not sure if the breastfeeding rates are low where I grew up but I don’t recall ever seeing it. I love seeing other women feeding it public when I am too.

I breastfed everywhere, including standing up in the queue at security at Stansted airport. I wore those breastfeeding tops that opened up slightly and that was that - no muslin or anything. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you feeding the baby, and part of the reason the breastfeeding rates in the U.K. are so appalling low are that women are made to feel it’s weird or something that has to be done privately. You are totally fine to feed your baby wherever and whenever you want, and you were already pandering to the loser with the Muslim and chair tilting.

But while I would happily have a lively debate with a man who felt uncomfortable being near a breastfeeding women in general, I wouldn’t confront him in this situation because you need to play the long game for the sake of the poor women who may well need your help. Don’t give him a reason to stop her seeing you.